30ish years ago (early 90s).
My mum had a lot of mental health issues, spent a lot of my early years in psychiatric units. I think mostly day care units.
My dad was mostly ‘at work’ ie absent for huge chunks of time.
They did a good show of parenting; we were clean, nice clothes, never really hungry. My dad in particular was great at spending - we had holidays around the U.K., all sorts, we were tens of thousands in debt.
But in reality my mum was often very, very unwell. And my dad was to put it bluntly, a bit odd and quite scary.
They divorced very suddenly a long time ago. And that was the end of my dad’s time as a parent really, if ever he had been one.
I was looking at old solicitors letters earlier of my mum’s, trying to sift through stuff after clearing her house a couple of years ago. Both mum and dad claimed in writing that the other was incapable of parenting. One letter says I was on a child protection register.
We had lots of ‘help’ especially when my dad was around but also after he left. We had all sorts of agencies involved, when mum was in hospital we had childminders who were a mix of kind and less so. Foster care a few times.. I remember one woman would come round and put us to bed at night. We had lots of carers come round during the day, and in the summer we were sent to a special club for children who to my adult mind were vulnerable. We had social workers, etc etc.
My mum could make life very difficult for anyone trying to help and would happily tell social workers etc where to stick it, because she was loathe to admit there was a problem, and I think scared we would be removed - so most would just leave us to it.
And perhaps that was the best answer, because my mum did love us ultimately, and I got my exams at school and I’ve got 2 degrees, a decent job, etc.
As well as an awful lot of mental health problems, and flashbacks.
My mum was a wonderful mum when she was well - she was good and caring and funny, but she desperately needed help she never got and I never got the chance to make my peace with it by discussing it with her, and telling her she did her best.
If this happened to other families now, would they get better help?