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Original poster

Shared Parental Leave regret

13 replies

Blackcat910 · 04/01/2025 21:39

My DH and I agreed at the start of my maternity leave we would do shared parental leave with him taking 2 months at the end of my mat leave. This is booked to start in 5 weeks.

However I’m really not ready to go back to work as my baby just seems so little. If I hadn’t taken SPL I would have extended my maternity leave but I seem stuck on the arrangement now as it’s only 5 weeks away from ending.

I had a heart to heart with DH and he’s admitted he’s not looking forward to it either! And he wishes I had spoken sooner as he doesn’t want me to be regretting not having the leave. I hadn’t mentioned it sooner as I didn’t want to pressure him into giving up time with DS.

Wwyd in this scenario? I’m gutted to be honest.

OP posts:

Whatabouthow · 04/01/2025 21:48

Well if you both want you to do it can you arrange to change it?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/01/2025 21:50

Stick with it. Your maternity leave will be over soon either way, but those two months your husband spends taking care of the baby could be the making of him as a father. It could be the difference between you being the default parent or him being an equal parent.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 04/01/2025 21:51

I agree with pp. Carry on and let him be a father! He doesn't want to give up his freedom!

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Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 04/01/2025 21:54

Compromise and take a month together?

Original poster

Blackcat910 · 04/01/2025 22:12

I’m not sure if I can change things now anyway as it’s only 5 weeks until I’m due back at work. It just feels rubbish. I don’t feel too upset about being the default parent tbh as DH helps in other ways.

OP posts:

NotAPartyPerson · 04/01/2025 22:17

I think if there are definitely benefits to not trying to do the return to work at the same time as settling your baby into childcare. And this could also be great for your DH, his relationship with your DC, and the way you balance work/childcare/household tasks as a couple in the future.
also my first DC became very challenging around 9m and it would have been quite nice to hand over at this point

Icanttakethisanymore · 04/01/2025 22:20

I think it will benefit you all for him to do it. You literally can’t more for threads on here from women complaining about being the default parent. Honestly, embrace it and support him to step up.

WiseLurker · 04/01/2025 22:23

What you are feeling is normal.

We used shared parental leave and both felt exactly the same.

He will be a better father.
He will be a better partner too as he will understand everything that goes into childcare and running the home

You can return to work knowing that your child is still with one parent rather than a nursery just yet, etc.

You've just got some jitters for the change to come, that's okay.

CoralHare · 04/01/2025 22:25

Take the rest of the leave yourself. Get DP to take a a couple of weeks of ordinary parental leave afterwards when you go back to work.

etonmessedup · 04/01/2025 22:33

Could you use some of your holiday to do a phased return to work over those 2 months?

I went straight back full time and it was very hard to suddenly be away from my baby.

It does get easier and it's wonderful seeing them flourish from being with different people and learning different things.

Newhi · 04/01/2025 22:45

Shared parental leave is the best thing we ever did. I’ve noticed a marked difference with the couples I know who have done this. The load is shared, the parents seem easy and relaxed, they respect each other. Now it may be that it was like that before and that’s why they chose SPL, but don’t you want your child to experience a loving respectful relationship where both parents wanted to look after here and take an equal hand in bringing her up?

BarbaraHoward · 04/01/2025 22:52

Agree with others - DH took a month each time I went back to work and it was brilliant for all of us.

I could settle back into work without worrying about the baby settling into nursery.

DH was always an involved dad but he could strengthen his bond with the babies, combating some of that Parent A and Parent B dynamic that maternity leave and breastfeeding necessitate.

I'm convinced it was easier for DDs to settle into nursery when they were being dropped off by him not me (or my boobs).

Our DC are early primary aged now and both have a brilliant relationship with us both, and we both flex our hours to spend as much time with them as possible and work FT.

You won't want to go back in two months either, think long-term and do the SPL.

Thea43 · 04/01/2025 23:05

Can totally understand and think me and DH would feel the same way, he’s a great father and husband anyway and neither of us feel needed to go for SPL. However since you’re in this position now and sounds like would be difficult to change then I do think some of the posters have made a really good point about using this time to ease back into work. It is tough going back from maternity leave without stressing over baby being ill, getting both of you organised etc (they inevitably are ill for the first few weeks of starting childcare) I’m definitely going to see if DH can take some annual leave when I go back from leave

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