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Original poster

Fed up of being the default parent

9 replies

Petching · 04/01/2025 09:12

I have two DSs aged 6 and 5 months. Whenever DS wants anything "fun" he goes straight to DH. Whenever he wants anything like a snack, or he wants to be in a mood or complain he comes to me. Even if I am all the way on the other side of the house and DH is right next to him! DH does more than his fair share of household stuff - I do all meal planning and cooking but he does all laundry, most of the cleaning, bin stuff, cat litter emptying, keeps on top of most of elder DS's school stuff. So I feel I can't complain. But I don't know if he understands things like how if he wants a shower he just goes and has one - I have to say, please can you take the baby while I have a shower. He gets to relax in bed at night whilst I get woken 10 times by the baby (EBF, velcro baby) who I usually end up co sleeping with so I can't even get into a comfortable position. He can say, I'm just popping to the shop and go whereas I have to pre plan everything because the baby is a milk monster and won't take a bottle. When I have a break from the baby it's often to do something like cook a meal or do some other household job.

I don't really know if I'm explaining myself very well but I just feel mentally I'm the default parent and I find it exhausting even though DH is supportive, kind, and does a lot more than a lot of other men do (appreciate that bar is very low).

OP posts:
curious79 · 04/01/2025 09:14

You are the default parent. You are clearly doing a wonderful job as a mother where you have a little boy who comes to you for his primary emotional and physical sustenance. You have a breast fed baby who clearly wants mummy. But ask your DH for the time you would like. It doesn’t sound like he would begrudge you it

Rainallnight · 04/01/2025 09:18

As the default parent here, I get it, big time. But a lot of the incidents you describe are due to have an EBF baby. Time to stop that and share the load?

Original poster
Petching · 04/01/2025 09:19

Rainallnight · 04/01/2025 09:18

As the default parent here, I get it, big time. But a lot of the incidents you describe are due to have an EBF baby. Time to stop that and share the load?

Can't- he won't take a bottle!

He's also pretty attached to me in general - won't nap on anyone else, for instance.

OP posts:

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Mumdiva99 · 04/01/2025 09:20

BF is tough because you are the default parent. And nights make you tired. However you are giving your child the best start.
It sounds like your husband pulls his weight. I do get what you mean about the asking to have a shower etc.
It will change as the kids get bigger. Your roles will change and adapt.
Please come here and vent.
But really - it looks like you have a great family.
You are doing great.
You will get more sleep as baby grows up.
Just read a few more posts on here about how 'baby daddy' won't even see their child. Or about how all 'dp' does is game all day. Etc etc. And you will start to feel grateful.

Original poster
Petching · 04/01/2025 09:23

Mumdiva99 · 04/01/2025 09:20

BF is tough because you are the default parent. And nights make you tired. However you are giving your child the best start.
It sounds like your husband pulls his weight. I do get what you mean about the asking to have a shower etc.
It will change as the kids get bigger. Your roles will change and adapt.
Please come here and vent.
But really - it looks like you have a great family.
You are doing great.
You will get more sleep as baby grows up.
Just read a few more posts on here about how 'baby daddy' won't even see their child. Or about how all 'dp' does is game all day. Etc etc. And you will start to feel grateful.

It's a low bar though isn't it. I mean I shouldn't have to feel grateful that the father of my children does more than the bare minimum. I doubt many men would say the same about their wives.

It's not about DH, I love him to bits. But doing what he does should not be out of the ordinary.

OP posts:
petedicks · 04/01/2025 09:36

You are the default parent as PPs say. Being a mother is a very different role to being a father and we should stop pretending they are the same or even similar - cause women are then disappointed like you are.

Good luck op.

Begaydocrime94 · 04/01/2025 09:42

Do have to agree that it sounds like the issue is primarily that your baby is breastfed and the frustration is due to that, if you exclusively breastfeed you sort of are the default parent. I’ve heard it’s best to introduce bottles early alongside boob so they take them but obvs it’s a bit late for that. Basically it won’t be too much longer, this period will pass xx

Original poster
Petching · 04/01/2025 09:46

Begaydocrime94 · 04/01/2025 09:42

Do have to agree that it sounds like the issue is primarily that your baby is breastfed and the frustration is due to that, if you exclusively breastfeed you sort of are the default parent. I’ve heard it’s best to introduce bottles early alongside boob so they take them but obvs it’s a bit late for that. Basically it won’t be too much longer, this period will pass xx

We introduced bottles from day 1 - he never took one.

OP posts:
LittleHangleton · 04/01/2025 09:53

So much will change in the next 20 years, in terms of which parent the children go to for what.

I recognise its hard for you now. But this really is just a tiny snapshot of time. When I got to Baby#4 I learnt to lean-in to the first year of being 100% of baby's world. Cliché, but you'll never get this time back.

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