What practical steps to help my ds with online interaction with ‘friends’

[CobaltRewind]

DS is 12 so please I know that WhatsApp is for age 13 and over. 🙏🏼

My boy has ASD and ADD and has a tendency to think that everyone is his friend. 😕

Anyhow last night I heard him crying in his room and he showed me his phone and I was shocked at the messages on these WhatsApp groups from a particular child in his class. All still in primary school.

Telling him to F off, he had no friends, no one likes him, he can’t play the games properly, Santa isn’t real 😵‍💫 (teacher has remarked how there is no awareness of Santa). My son really struggles socially and can’t play or interact at school, he has full time support. So I thought a Play station would be a good idea at Christmas to help him feel included. He does stand alone at school, usually with his hood over his head, summer, winter.

Rules came with the device, door open, regular breaks, still walking the dog with me and off it by 8.30 (too early?). I don’t know, he his my eldest. Anyhow there are WhatsApp chat groups set up and I just don’t like what I’m seeing.

How do I navigate this? I can’t say right that’s it, no phone, no PlayStation because that’s not teaching him anything about dealing with things.

He was so upset last night that he got into bed beside me, a rairity. I reassured him we would sort it out in the morning but he’d done the right thing by talking about his feelings. I just don’t know what to do. For context my son never swears, I do 😳 but I have never heard him say even ‘god’ in his life. He also doesn’t seem capable of lying so he’s adamant he hasn’t done anything.

Its sad a 5 year friendship has ended over a stupid WhatsApp group and I can’t explain to my son why.

Hope this posts makes sense.

My son really struggles socially and can’t play or interact at school, he has full time support.

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How come you think he can handle WhatsApp on his own? Delete it!

Would also let hoy know about the messages, online bullying should be taken seriously.

Delete it for now. Explain the age limit and that it's no fault of his own that you're removing it. Work with him through this year on how to deal with trolls and bullying (walk away, leave the group, tell a trusted adult).

FGS get him off the devices! My NT older children don’t have WhatsApp, nor are they allowed to chat online on gaming platforms. It’s just not worth the drama. As they hit secondary, they are increasingly glad they aren’t part of the drama when it all goes south and school have to wade in. They don’t need to learn how to cope with it at this age.

TBH it doesn’t sound like his school peers are people you want him to be friends with anyway, by their behaviour. Does he do any hobbies outside of school that are not screen dependent, and might have kids more like him? Board game groups or something?

Screenshot the messages and take them into school and make school aware as soon as it reopens.

Get him off the groups as well. He doesn't need Whatsapp at primary.

Agreed. Tell the school.

Stick to iMessage / SMS for now

I hope he feels better today

He will learn to navigate what's app groups and social media.

Now is not the age to be doing it - not for an NT child and especially not for a child with ASD.

Park this one and look at it a few years down the line.

Find other ways of building social skills - scouts, Sen drama groups, whatever.

Not social media.

I’d be removing him from these group chats and blocking problematic ‘friends’. If it becomes an issue, a few days break to not be stuck on his phone (take it away, get him outside or doing an activity he enjoys not on a screen). WhatsApp itself is not the issue (you can have the same group chats and the same bullying over text messaging).

I personally think 8:30pm is a bit late on a day to day basis. My dd who is 12 doesn’t have her phone all the time, but it always comes down to the kitchen to be put away when we have dinner, which is usually around 7/7:30pm. She doesn’t get it back after dinner.

In my experience, reading the messages that get sent in the few group chats she’s in with friends, it’s those evening hours where it all kicks off. Only about 1/4 of the kids still have their phones at that time and it seems to be the ones without much parental supervision or who are more vulnerable to bullying than others. The mean kids really seem to pile on when they’re bored and no one else is around. You just need to make sure he’s not left in that environment to be bullied. When he’s older, he’ll need to learn how to navigate that himself, but for now, you just need to remove the opportunity and explain why and use it to talk about online safety and behaviour.

I appreciate the reply.

Honestly over the years I’ve taken him to every single possible group, extra curricular activity and he won’t participate. He won’t tolerate me being out if his sight at all or leaving him at a group.

Yes, I’ve sort of messed up again 😔 but I long for him to be part of something