How do you remain patient with your young kids?

[Halycon]

God I’m in such a bad place with parenting.

I’m late 30s and have a 3 year old. The DC was fully planned and very much wanted. I’m married too. I work part time when he’s at nursery and have my DC the rest of the time. No family support.

I should also mention that I have a chronic physical illness with uncontrolled pain. Things most of you take for granted (standing up from the couch, playing on the floor with your kid) is a major difficulty for me. The pain is exhausting and will get worse with time. I didn’t have any health issues prior to having my child.

Toddler years are in full swing and I do think my DC is within the “normal” toddler range (I don’t have other kids to compare but no developmental issues etc) in terms of behaviour. Good days and bad, tiredness is a major trigger for tantrums and he is often difficult to please. Other times he’s chatty, funny and very loving. All in all, normal, I think.

The issue for me is that I feel stressed and overwhelmed 90% of the time. The tantrums and general behaviour makes me so stressed. He can get up in the morning, we’ll go down for breakfast and I’ll get a spoon for his cereal. Cue screaming tantrum because he was going to get the spoon.
Same with me sitting on the wrong part of the sofa, putting something in the sink that he wanted to put in, saying no to something. Maybe some of it is connected to him being at the age where he wants to be independent and be a big boy. But it’s bloody hard.

We get out daily, but the public tantrums are making me not want to go. It’s physically hard for me to pick him up from the ground when he’s thrown himself down.

I find my patience is wearing so thin at times. I dread waking up in the morning because it all has to begin again. Being touched all day, battling with him to just do simple day to day things, the physical strain it puts on me.

My DH knows how I feel but is of the opinion that this is part and parcel of having a toddler. I don’t get much time away from my DC (except when I’m at work), maybe 3 hours every other week when I pop out alone.

I don’t want to be this parent. I’m starting to shout, swearing under my breath, wishing that my life was different. I think about what it would be like without a child - the places I could go, the calmness I’d feel. Those thoughts make me feel so guilty and ashamed, which no doubt makes everything else worse.

I want to relax more, to remember how little he is and how my pain is nothing to do with him. I do my best but I’m failing terribly at this and I think he’d be better off without me. I try to look at his little hands and feet and compare them with mine so that I remember how much more growing up he has to do.

Will gladly accept any wisdom, insight or opinions.

Sounds like getting your pain under control would help massively but I assume that’s not realistic or you would have explored that already 😕
tbh I don’t have any wisdom to offer other than to set boundaries. It’s really challenging at his age but it might be time to have some consequence to his actions. I’m not a big fan of punishment but do you explain how it makes you feel when he yells at you? Also maybe a reward chart for him showing good behaviour. It’s a very fine line as you don’t want to shut him down expressing himself but if currently you have an unhappy house then things need to change and that I would say needs to take priority.
it wouldn’t be a shocker if chronic pain would cause some depression making things even more difficult and your comments about him being better off without you makes me think this is something you should discuss with your GP?
yes parenting is hard but you shouldn’t accept livening a life where you feel so unhappy, see your GP and start journaling about the day to reflect on what might have triggered your sons behaviour and your reaction and what could be done differently next time. Remember to be kind to yourself, if you didn’t care then you wouldn’t be bothered about how your feelings might be spilling into your parenting. Nobody is perfect and the fact that you’re putting the feelers out suggests you’re open to change x

@Flipslop Thanks for your reply.

Yeah we have a reward chart which he enjoys doing. He responds so well to positive reinforcement. A sticker at nursery for helping tidy up makes his day, and we try to mirror that (recently we’ve called Santa around 2000 times to tell him about his various achievements lol).

I know that tantrums are overwhelm; that they don’t have the rational thinking skills or coping mechanisms so it comes out in the form of tears and screaming. It’s just so tiring.

I agree RE the pain/depression link. I often wonder if that’s an issue.

I like the journaling idea. I could do that once he’s in bed at night. Nothing to lose at this stage.

Journal idea:

1. Write three things or moments you're grateful for that day
2. One thing you're anxious about. What is the worst outcome? Can you...

a) let it go
b) fix it yourself, next steps
c) need help with and from whom, next steps

Or a variation of the above that perhaps helps you acknowledge good or bad days for pain.

The morning screaming is definitely something I experienced at this age it's horrendous, wrong spoon, wrong bowl, wrong person, wrong room before you've even got to the cereal, milk, no milk etc etc...and then the morning cannot progress forever trapped in a maelstrom of screaming and 'wrongness'.

Ime the morning hellishness is mostly due to Hanger (DS now 5.5) and...the sooner you can get a mouthful of food in them the better even if it's a biscuit the moment they wake up. It's a rough as hell age and I feel for you everything you said I feel wholeheartedly. You're not alone.

Gosh yeah at one point when my son was round that age I had cereal bars stashed in every room so I could get something down him quick enough to avoid the hanger 😂

You say you work part time. Does your DH work many hours? How are his hours off - therefore times you are both free - divided?
You get 3 hours a fortnight to yourself. How much time does DH get?