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Original poster

Empty nest- son doesn't want to know me

13 replies

NameChangererer123456 · 02/01/2025 12:51

I have 2 ds and the youngest has recently left home. He's 19. It's like he's ashamed of me. Won't even let me in his new house. Distances himself from me in lots of ways. I am also overweight and I wonder whether he's embarrassed over that too.

I just feel so sad. I've ploughed into my sons lives and now it's hard to be pushed out.

I don't know why I'm posting. I imagine it's a normal way of a boy separating from his mum?

OP posts:

OurDreamLife · 02/01/2025 12:59

Maybe it’s got nothing to do with you and he has stuff going on that’s made him withdraw.
It could be that he is embarrassed of his house but you’ve jumped to making it about you. Have you spoken to him about it?

DropOfffArtiste · 02/01/2025 12:59

What was your relationship like before he moved out?

Tittat50 · 02/01/2025 13:07

Can you invite him round for a nice cooked meal ? He might not want you in his space. There could be so many reasons but it sounds like it's best to leave him to his space for now and invite him into yours.

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Meadowfinch · 02/01/2025 13:08

He's left home. It is reasonable he wants to enjoy that first rush of freedom. Does he have housemates? When I left home, the last thing I wanted was my mum following me. 😁

Give him a couple of weeks and then invite him to Sunday supper. Food usually works, he's a teenage boy after all.

DoloresODonovan · 02/01/2025 13:18

NameChangererer123456 · 02/01/2025 12:51

I just feel so sad. I've ploughed into my sons lives and now it's hard to be pushed out.

I don't know why I'm posting. I imagine it's a normal way of a boy separating from his mum?

well, yes, ‘left home’ - healthier than him still being living with you at 29 ?!

he isnt pushing you out as much as withdrawing, he sounds grown up,
so you probably did a good job of parenting, its his firewall, let him be

ssd · 02/01/2025 13:31

@DoloresODonovan , what do you mean its his firewall?

HunPM · 02/01/2025 13:32

Have you asked him to do anything with you?

My 19 year old DS has left home and I see him quite a lot. If I ever don’t hear anything from him for a couple of weeks though then I am happy that he is busy living his life, but I also do a quick check in and invite him over for dinner/lunch/to meet somewhere nice for lunch or coffee/dog walk etc. He often pops in for a coffee after work if he is passing too, but there isn’t really any expectation or pressure to do that as I know he has a lot on.

My DH has a mother who gets annoyed because he doesn’t see her enough, in her opinion, but she actually doesn’t make any effort to invite him/us to ever do anything, she just sits about waiting to be phoned or visited.

I don’t want any of my DC to ever feel obligated to see me as they become older and independent; having active and happy lives is important and what I want for them.

DazedAndConfused321 · 02/01/2025 13:32

There's obviously a reason why and you're either going to drip feed it or not tell us. No he isn't stopping you from seeing his home because you're overweight, he probably doesn't want anything to do with you for an actual reason.

WilfredsPies · 02/01/2025 13:48

Has he ever brought friends and girlfriends back home?

Is your home clean and tidy? Are you clean and tidy?

How did he tell you that he didn’t want you to come to his new home?

While at school, how much freedom did you give him and were you in regular contact with his teachers? When you say that you’ve ploughed into their lives, what exactly did you do? How much privacy have you allowed them?

How old is your other DS? Does he try and distance himself too?

Nothatgingerpirate · 02/01/2025 14:08

The thing is, OP, and I got a lot of bashing for that - you don't crawl into your child's mind.
Meaning, you don't know how long and why they might have been masking certain feelings, just to survive in circumstances they did not choose.
This stuff accumulates.
When free from parents and living their own life, they can drop the mask and feel relieved.

kiwiane · 02/01/2025 14:52

It is hurtful and there are some mean responses here - I wouldn’t assume it’s your fault. There is not much you can do; find some talking therapy if you can to help you move on to this next stage in your life. Keep active and do what you want to do.
I hope you find a way to keep communication open and he gets in touch when he wants to see you.

HPandthelastwish · 02/01/2025 15:23

Why have you jumped at your weight being the issue?

Lots of people are overweight and their children aren't embarrassed by them or are you vastly overweight which causes you to smell and have severe mobility issues? I can't think of another reason why that would be a issue.

LouisvilleSlugger · 02/01/2025 15:26

It’s really not normal OP. We have one son that’s left home and we’re still extremely close. If anything, we’re closer than when he lived at home as he appreciates us more.

There must be a reason that you can get to the bottom of. Keep plugging away at your relationship. Can you sit him down and ask why he’s pushing you away?

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