Old friend getting in touch

[incognito50me]

Thirty years ago and more, when we were in high school, I had a good group of friends. We were close and supported each other through our late teens, through choosing universities and kept in touch through university, though we were all at different ones (but we all attended universities in the same foreign country).

This friend, I'll call him A, had a difficult path after university. He went back to our country of birth, was a carer for his father for a number of years, married very quickly, had children and his wife divorced him while their children were young. He's very capable but could never hold a job that matched his abilities, he's had problems with authority since his school days. He eventually took seasonal jobs, and I'm not sure what his job situation is like now.
He used to smoke some marijuana while at university but I suspect has been doing harder drugs since (the few times I saw him in groups since he hasn't looked well and others told me he was doing drugs).

So, we haven't been in touch for at least ten years. I live in a different country from our country of birth or the one where we went to university, he lives in our country of birth. I am married with a child, have a job.

I've had a difficult time lately and am not keen on taking on someone else's problems. When I knew A, he was intense and I would be surprised it this changed.

He wrote to my private e-mail, then three times to my work e-mail (which is public) in the last two weeks after ten years or more of no contat. In the latest e-mail he asked whether I have no time to answer.
Here is my dilemma: ignoring him is cruel, as I would like to say hi, but suspect that if I do, he will want to write and talk about his problems. I don't want that. I don't want to be in anything but very superficial contact at this time, or perhaps ever. But he is alone, possibly jobless, very likely sad. It feels cruel to not ever respond.
It's been weighing on me: I either accept that I am not a nice person and never reply, or I reply and then at some point stop replying when he wants to talk about more than superficial issues, or wants to have my phone number. Have any of you had this dilemma?

I would reply but keep to firm boundaries. Don’t give him too much info on what you have been up to either. Keep at arms length . Good luck

I agree it would be cruel to not reply. I think reply but make it clear you have a busy life and don't make yourself too available, you don't need to meet him in person if you don't want to. As @user1494050295 keep boundaries clear from the start. He might surprise you, you might enjoy hearing from him. The multiple emails are probably because he doesn't know if you got them, hopefully not a reflection of anything else

Him asking if you're too busy to answer gives a good out, so you can respond - agree it's cruel not to - but confirm how busy you are and then keep responses minimal, so it's clear you're not the harbour he's seeking here. Something along the lines of "Hi there, yes as you guessed things are hectic here so I don't have time for a proper catch up. Sorry about that but wishing you all the best." I think it's fine - when we have kids and jobs it's hard to find time for our families and people in our daily lives let alone old friends we've not seen for decades who may need much more than we can give. Keep your boundaries and if he tries to push them, then you can not reply, but I think it's worth one response to be human.

I understand. I would suggest responding, apologise for the delay, keep it positive, light and brief. Be clear you're busy without gloating about your life being full if his may not be.

I'd avoid open ended questions like 'how are you', 'what have you been up to' in favour of 'hope you're well' to keep it contained. You're not ignoring him, you're acknowledging him but you're not offering yourself as an instant confidante.

Thank you all, @user1494050295 , @Dontlletmedownbruce , @pinkdelight , @Avastmehearties . You've helped me with your agreement that I should write back while keeping my boundaries clear! I just wrote did, I sent a short reply, wishing him a happy new year and saying I hope he is doing well.

With my cynical head on, I wonder if you're about to receive a load of begging emails... Be prepared to tell him no and block him if he crosses a line.

I wouldn't answer at all. He's already started guilt tripping you ("no time to answer" is definitely making you feel guilty!). If you've immediately got a sense of dread from his contact, I wouldn't even try to create boundaries I would just ignore.

I've done it before. I didn't feel like human of the century but I couldn't see a way of being in contact with this old friend without being drawn in to their drama and it was at a time I had no spare capacity to deal with her.

You do not owe this person anything. You are under no obligation to respond to any messages if you don't want to, or if there is anything about his messages that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way.

Replying is inviting him to keep bothering you. If you are too busy then you should not reply. Can you block the email address?

@incognito50me
As a "people-pleaser", (now in recovery!), my first thoughts would have been the same as yours, in that it would be cruel to ignore him.
So yes, replying but determining fixed boundaries would seem a good compromise, but what if he refused to comply, and his contact became more persistent because you'd given him a "foot in the door"?
Then you'd have to block him.
Another PP has said that you don't owe this person anything, which is spot on.
And bear in mind you might not be the only person from that friendship group that he has contacted🤷🏻‍♀️

Disappointed by the early replies that have made you message him. The usual Be Kind brigade that only puts such pressure on women.

You owe him nothing, it isn't cruel to not reply to someone you haven't seen for TEN years.

You are not an emotional support animal, nor do you owe him anything.

Sending several messages to your work email shows that he has no respect for boundaries. Block.

I’d not reply and keep him at a distance - he seems pushy.

As expected, A wrote back. He was happy I replied, but is as intense as ever and asked me for my Whatsapp details, which I am not going to share. If I do reply again, it won't happen quickly and certainly not in much detail - I cannot be his confidante and won't be encouraging further torrents.

Okay well that's clear-cut then. Archive and don't reply again. You've been nice. He's pushed it. Fine to draw the line there. Well done for not getting sucked in.

This has unreasonably annoyed me.

Friendships are like gardens and need to be nurtured - you can't expect to leave it to go wild for ten years and then expect the other person to pull out the secateurs and prune it all back to shape.

I would be interested if he has messaged any of the men in the group, I doubt it .

I know he had messaged one of the men about five years ago, but that's the most recent info I have. Of all of us, I was perhaps the softest touch back in the day. I don't mean to cheapen the friendship we used to have, it was good at that time... which is probably also why it should stay in the past.

There are other people from that group that I am occasionally in touch with, but none of us go in all guns blazing. We catch up like you catch up with old friends you no longer live near to.