Am I the worst mum?

[AmItheworstmum]

I have two DC, 6 and 2. 6 yo was an easy, happy baby and toddler and pre-schooler. Loved nursery, everyone loved him. Baby sister arrived when he began nursery and everything was lovely. Six months later we moved and the world fell apart. He started reception, was bullied, and started acting out. He became quite difficult and I didn’t know what to do, DH and I were quite confused. We of course never smacked him or anything but certainly have been more shouty than we would like.

Yet besides occasional shoutiness, I thought we were managing having two DC reasonably well, I always did the “you’ll have to wait, baby, I’m still reading with DS” thing to show him he want being replasced by DD. And yet it seems more and more apparent that he is absolutely desperate for my attention. We do a day out together (or at least a half day) on the weekend, just the two of us and DD does something with DH. But it feels like it’s not enough for him. DD was not a good sleeper and we breastfed a long time, I feel DS was jealous or felt left out. He is quite good at playing by himself but perhaps there were times where he’d play in his room alone whilst I got DDsettled for a nap and then I just hid in my own bed instead of giving him more attention. is this incredibly neglectful?

I notice such an improvement in his behaviour if we have a bit more 1 on 1 time but the practicalities of work and DD (who does also deserve attention?) and school etc make it difficult. Have I damaged our relationship (permanently)? Am I just the worst mum? How can we improve this?

These are very typical problems so don’t let yourself think for a minute it’s because you’ve done a terrible job or any harm to him - or that you aren’t entitled to time out.

In terms of managing it, you and your partner need to agree on clear and consistent boundaries and hold them - clear standards of behaviour and penalties when needed.

Do do what you can to give him 1 on 1 time with both of you, even if it’s a small slot of time each week.

Do not allow either child to play favourites and insist on more time with mummy or daddy. It only gets worse if you give into this - they have to accept one or more other of you might put them to bed etc. kids do tend to do better with routine eg Mum or Dad on alternate nights.

Make sure you and your partner get equal time off, and if protect it - you aren’t a machine and you’re no use to anyone if you’re burnt out.

Thank you, it helps to hear this is not uncommon. What sorts of penalties would you say are helpful at this age? If he does something like swing his toy sword at DD’s face, I take it away. But sometimes he’s just quite cheeky, won’t stand on a chair to wash his hands for example but insists on crawling over the counter sideways and getting soap and water everywhere. That sort of thing.

How do you have consistent boundaries with both parents? DH and I agree that the behaviour is difficult to manage but DH also tends to want to give him more room to behave (but then loses his patience) whereas I will be a bit more rule-oriented but hold my patience longer. It is tricky because sometimes DS does well with more freedom, so to speak, and it is good for him to experience that trust and grow into it, but on the other hand, it is also helpful to set clear boundaries ahead of time.