Toxic parent starting the NY in typical toxic parent fashion..

[MoreThanSlightlyPlump]

Can already tell there is some sort of mind game going on as it's 10.30 am and I've heard nothing off of DM even though she is an early riser and usually calls around 8.30am.

Not unusual behaviour though as I've had a lifetime of toxic behaviours from her but what a way to want to start the New Year, eh?

I'm feeling like my resolution should be to call out the toxic behaviour and not pander to it any more so I haven't called or messaged either.

She's probably in a mood as there was an argument a couple of days ago as she felt the need to call in the morning to accuse me of not giving her dog water while dog sitting him as I'd put his water bowl on the kitchen side out of reach of my 1 year old who likes to tip it everywhere, for a whole 5 minutes while we were in the kitchen.

She'd walked in and seen it and obviously festered over it during the night and then called in the morning saying I am obviously not giving him water for the whole time he's here.

I'm in the middle of packing for a house move, managing a special needs child and a 1 year old who is going through a no sleep phase so am too tired and stressed to deal with this nonsense.

No point to this post. Just wanted to get it off my chest so I can hopefully go about my day and rest of 2025 ignoring this kind of behaviour.

She sounds draining. I'd go out for the morning, start the year as you mean to, get some fresh air, and not wait around for her toxic call.

Is there a reason she should have called you this morning?
She sounds hard work, but I really think the best way to handle it is just to pull back, keep it civil but cut back on all visits/contact.

Are you not delighted that she hasn’t called?

But you're not ignoring it you're worrying about it.

Nothing has actually happened so perhaps don't search for shadows otherwise you'll never detach from her

Omg I'm in the same situation OP. Tiresome isn't it .

No reason she should call. It's just habit for her to call most mornings as she is retired and has no one else.

I'm trying not to think about it or worry about it but previous experience tells me the longer I ignore this for and don't call "first", the worse the blow up will be later on.

I predict: "You couldn't even be bothered to wish your own mother a Happy New Year." leading into a toxic rant about all the other ways I've wronged her that will be news to me.

Look up grey rock.

Text her HNY, get on with your day.

Do you actually want her in your life?

Not the fantasy version of her but who she is and she will not change.

Just send her a happy New Year message and forget about her for the rest of the day.

Or maybe she's just thought you're having a lie in and doesn't want to disturb you early? Why is that "toxic"? That word gets thrown around so often on MN when people (usually parents or in laws) do something someone else dislikes.

Is she of an age where having a fall is likely or a medical emergency?

My parents and I check in on a separate WhatsApp chat first thing in the morning and last thing at night, it doesn't need replying to more of an "I'm still alive" check in. It actually started when I was a single parent to a baby as if I tripped up the stairs or similar it's quite possible I wouldn't have been found for a while but now they are older it works for that too.

I have one of these OP and life has certainly got easier since I started calling out the toxicity and passive aggression, not just ignore it. She will say when I answer the phone “Oh wow you actually answered the phone”. I now say “OK mum if we are going to have a passive aggressive conversation today I’m ending the call now”.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-mother-signs/

https://www.levellerspress.com/product/the-joyous-recovery/

Because I know her and have experienced no end of toxic behaviour from her over my 32 years of life. She's not the sort of mother that would care if you were having a lie in. In fact, if she thought I was having a lie in she'd be more likely to come round and knock on the door until I woke up to make sure I got out of bed and "stopped being so lazy."

This is the approach I want to take from now on. I don't want this next year to be spent feeling on edge or upset over all the needless dramas.

My heart thumps like crazy still when I do it (which is pathetic this is only my mother not some maniac about to shoot me) and it never lands well but it’s better than simmering resentment over how she makes me feel and how I do nothing about it

You don't need to go along with this.

She hasn't called. Great. Go about your day. Message her happy new year or give her a call later if it suits you.

I certainly wouldn't be doing daily 8.30am phone calls with anyone, particularly if the conversations weren't pleasant.

You don't need to answer.
You don't need to be available.
If she starts criticising you it is perfectly OK to say, "Sorry, I'm not up for this type of conversation so I'll be going now" and then hang up.

It's sounds like she's unlikely to change. It doesn't mean you can't.

I can relate completely DM will behave appallingly towards me and if I don't make the phone call and "grovel" then there is he'll to pay. DH is bewildered as to why I put up with this kind of thing and I get why as I don't even know why I play into her hands. She's been awful at times, her and DF ruined my DD graduation by screaming abuse at me in front of the all of the graduates and their families. Then screamed abuse at me all the way home and because I didn't call them for a couple weeks as I just didn't know if I could take anymore they started using DD to get at me hassling her about why I hadn't called, so in the end had too to get them off her back. I know I deserve better but here I am still putting up with it

So she hasn’t called you. You haven’t called her either. Sure some parents are super needy etc (as are plenty of adult kids) but maybe time to find a way to speak to her about what you are finding irritating. It isn’t giving in to sometimes call first either.

There is no talking to DM about what I may find irritating, even in the gentlest of ways. If I dared mention anything that could be considered a criticism of her or her behaviour it would start a tirade of abuse about how I am exaggerating, twisting things or down right lying.

In her head she is always in the right and it's everyone else around her that is in the wrong and any attempts of talking to her about it are seen as attacking her.

I'm starting to dwell on it now which is not what I want so I'm going to make myself busy with packing.

To those on this thread that get it, I'm sorry you've got parents like that too. It is exhausting and I can relate to the things you've said. My heart also thumps if I ever stand up for myself. Happy New Year to you all.

I get it

Why not just block her, and not engage? She sounds awful and you’re a grown woman, you don’t need her toxicity in your life.

I have one of these two and wanted to say ShesNotACowShesAFox is absolutely right. It's hard to do and you have to figure out your own way of doing it so that it causes the least distress to you. This is the key point - you are trying to look after your own feelings, not hers. I can't quite bring myself to call my mother out like Fox does. I just refuse to engage with the little digs and passive aggression. I literally behave like I haven't noticed her intent to bother me. I like to think it irritates the hell out of her actually.
So, if mine said, "oh you've actually bothered to answer the phone", I'd say something like "oh Mum, it's you, that's nice. How are you?" If she gets really exhausting with her selfish monologue, I'll say "I'd better go Mum, I've got to pick DD up now/there's someone here to read the meter/food delivery has just arrived" and if I get a huffy response I'll just say "I know. It's been lovely chatting. Lots of love, Bye". I think she suspects I'm being disingenuous but she is just wrong-footed enough by it that she can't call it out.
I tell her nothing personal about my life really, certainly nothing about my feelings. I never tell her my plans in advance so she can't spoil them. On the rare occasions that she actually asks me about me, I tell her about things after they've happened and, if necessary, I pretend they were spontaneous plans. It helps that she lives a couple of hours away.
Think about your own best way to stonewall your mother so that it works for you. There's lots of ways to hold someone at arm's length without them knowing. I think of it as a game now. She can rarely hurt me because I don't let her. Occasionally she'll get a blow in but it all seems to affect me less these days.
Good luck with your move.