But she loves you in her own way….DM

[Movingbutstandingstill]

I struggle massively with my mother. She’s always telling me what I’ve done wrong or complaining about someone.

I had a miscarriage and she never visited or checked in on me, emotionally she’s just awful at supporting me. I remember sitting at her dining room table and crying about repeated miscarriages and she didn’t hug me. She just carried on stirring her cooking and mumbled about everything happening for a reason.

If my DC cried I would run to them, I can’t imagine ever treating my kid the way she treats me.

But I keep getting told she does love me but in her own way. Her mother was very similar so it’s generational.

i can’t change her, how can i shift my disappointment? Yes I can accept her for how she is which most of the time. But I grieve for this mum who I want to love me, I want to ring her and feel like she’s got my back. That if something bad happened she would say I’m getting in the car I’m on my way round.

I cope most days but when I’m emotional it’s like a double whammy.

Things I tried:

• calling her out on behaviour; but it was all my fault and I upset her. She didn’t talk to me for weeks.
• I reduced contact but then I get comments like “you only visited my house once this year” - like odd rude comments
• just not telling her anything emotionally as I don’t get the response i want, but I still feel guilty and upset we don’t have that relationship

Not to drop feed: I have one sibling who is fully NC and a golden child sibling who while still feels our mother doesn’t love them they get preferential treatment.

Help…..how do I move past this and feeling like she doesn’t love me / I will never be good enough??

You dont get over it. You either choose to go nc or just pretend she is not hurting you. Check out the stately homes threads. A lot of us have mothers like this. I am no contact at all with mine. Hurts but hurts more to have her around. x

I've got one like that, so I empathise. It's very difficult. I've
gone very low contact, to the extent of moving abroad, because that way I can cope. I've learned over the years that it's not me, it's her. She had a very difficult early life and it reflects on how she is with everyone, not just me. She's very elderly now, nearly 90, and I wish we could be close, but I've accepted that she is how she is and I can't change her. Acceptance is the only way, I've found. It's not you, it really isn't. I know it's hard.

It is a narcissistic dynamic and therefore toxic. You are the scapegoat.

There isn’t anything you can do to change the situation.
I agree with pp, you either accept her the way she is or limit your contact with her.
My mum was similar and I’m NC with her. I don’t miss her one little bit, there’s nothing to miss.

You have to go to counseling and learn to be your own parent. If you fully heal you can begin to have a relationship with your mother where you see her just as a damaged person who can’t function as a mother and you stop expecting her to. It’s a strange journey to be honest

I've started reading "Adult children of emotionally immature parents" and your kind of experience totally fits that. She's not malicious or intentionally trying to not love you, it's that she doesn't know how. I'd really recommend the book. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/

You need to accept her for who she is and that she’ll never be the mother you needed. There’s no easy way to accept it, you just have to acknowledge that’s the reality.

You will feel guilty and hurt, there’s no way around that I’m afraid, but the longer you accept the situation, the easier it gets. Eventually, you’ll stop caring.

Who makes these comments about “her loving you in her own way” and that you need to visit more? If that care so much, they can spend time with her. It’s really not your problem.

I'm really heartbroken for you to read this, especially as it's as someone as significant as your mother - I understand as I feel this way with my relationship with my dad. It's been like it for as long as I remember. Don't think he's ever told me he loves me, I don't remember him ever telling me anyway. I agree with it possibly beinf generational, and perhaps how they were brought up theyre expressing that again .... It hurts. It's made me angry in the past, made me feel so unworthy and made me want to distance myself but as you said in your post, there's the guilt of not having some sort of relationship there. My mums made the comments too about "oh I think your dad does love and care in his own way" ... I can't help but object to that.

Didn't want to read and run but just wanted to say that I relate totally to what you've wrote. Your amazing for actually being aware of what's been happening and not ignoring it.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and going through but remember, you'll never be like that and the love you show your own family and child, show it to yourself also because you are worth it and deserve it too.

❤️

You get what you need elsewhere. You know not to expect nurturing or support from your mum because she isn’t programmed that way. It is as unnatural to her as flying. Have you got a friend you can call? A partner? An aunt? Some of us with fucked up mums find older female friends who fill the void. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking and it makes you feel so helpless, and having your mum blow you off when you just wanted a hug must have broken your heart again.

Counselling helped me a lot. I found having my own child really hit home as to how dysfunctional my mothers relationships with her children were.

I dont necessarily have an answer or solution to share though unfortunately. I went NC in the end to protect my own child from her, as well as myself, although she was also an alcoholic which was the main driving force behind going NC.

The biggest thing I learnt was that I could get the things I needed from my mother, from other healthier relationships that I already had with other people.

As @Genuineweddingone says, you just don't get over it. With time, effort and help, you can learn to live with it and you focus on your children and on making sure that "the curse" doesn't pass on to them. But the starting point must be to recognise reality: some mothers can't love.

Thank you for all your feedback, I will look into to therapy again (I’ve already had a bit to get to this point) and the book suggestion looks good.

I was feeling very emotional about moving into 2025 without another baby. Whenever I’m emotional it triggers my want for this mum to come hug me, tell me it will all be ok and
sooth me which then turns into sadness and anger I wouldn’t get that.

When I’m not emotional i can be more nonchalant. I do have a few good friends but all with young kids too so I feel guilty contacting them too much. Does anyone want to adopt me? 😂

I learned to answer the title of this thread with, “Well, obviously that’s pretty fucked up, isn’t it?” Or “That’s pretty pathetic, isn’t it…?”

What is your relationship like with your sisters?

@Movingbutstandingstill - v similar with mine. I find thinking of it as a relationship with a slightly competitive, slightly older, emotionally at teenage-level, sister (or even daughter) rather than mother vaguely works... but sets up all sorts of odd dynamics... and I can't imagine would be recommend by a therapist - but as soon as I let mg guard down and expect anything like what I would consider "normal" caring parental behaviour, it all goes wrong again!

Totally sympathise about MC thing - I had a 14 week MC many years ago and she said to me over the phone (we live 200 miles apart) about 4 days after it happened "I won't be able to talk over the weekend as X and Y are coming to stay for the weekend, but we can talk on Monday if you want."

I could write a book of similar incidents, not sure dwelling helps though.

I haven't gone NC but continually deal with crappage from her. She went to boarding school. Had v tricky mother herself and is basically just emotionally broken with complete inability to empathise, compromise, or show compassion. It's as if she's acting when she does attempt to, like she's reading a script of what she thinks she ought to say / do. All truly f"cked up.

So you are not alone but no easy solutions. I've done a lot of work myself around my feeling about it - but leopards don't change their spots. It is what it is and I think you just end up needing to decide if some more formal relationship where you entirely adjust your expectations and make no emotional demands of her (getting support from elsewhere, friends or professionals) is better than nothing and there can be some positive from that more limited approach.

They can't change because they won't change.

NC sister I’m the only one who speaks to her, it adds an extra lay to the relationship issues. We had an awful relationship as kids (she was and admits was a hard child). But as adults I’m probably closer.

Other sister we get on but I wouldnt call her and cry down the phone. We have had conversations about our mother and have similar thoughts but she doesn’t quite see it my way as she gets more physical help (baby sitting / DIY help). It’s almost a sliding scale of shit for each kid

It is called triangulaion. She will have carved out different relationships with you all on purpose, for her purpose to be exact, and play you off against each other.

This. Therapy has helped. There’s absolutely no point raising it with my DM. She’s from a deprived, dysfunctional background with a particularly unhappy, vicious mother, and she had no idea more was required from a parent than basic food and clothes. She’s almost 80 and I’ve accepted she won’t change. All I can change is my own way of dealing. I recommend therapy.

I'm sorry this crucial relationship isn't sustaining you in the way you need, @Movingbutstandingstill . Is it possible your Mother suffered with miscarriages herself and had to manage without much emotional support, as was relatively common until quite recently? MC used to be viewed as an embarrassing and even at extremes shameful and was one of those things women might whisper about privately but not grieve openly. I remember when my friend lost her first, her DM told her 'the wind doesn't shake healthy apples from the tree' - to comfort her! If that had been her experience she might well struggle to articulate empathy for you?

@DramaAlpaca I'm no expert but do wonder if what your mother is exhibiting is the result of her own long-ago trauma. The generation that grew up during or just after WW2 had to deal with unimaginable losses and privation, and they weren't encouraged to dwell on their grief or fear but show the stiff upper lip. "Mustn't grumble"! I think if you empathised too much you would go under so many many people became closed-off emotionally as a survival technique.

I think the current generation of mothers have much more licence to be empathetic and speak openly about their emotions. I wouldn't be too quick to attach labels like Narcissist to your DM, she might just not be very good at what you need her to be. You don't need to cut her off to find your comfort elsewhere.

Oh Love, I had lots of miscarriages in a row. I will adopt you and give you the hugs you need. They might have to be virtual ones as I’m in Australia. I know how helpless you feel when you are losing a baby and your mother shrugs it off. Mine was very much “Well, what do you expect me to do about it?” or “It’s obviously for the best, then…” It’s very hard to discuss our fucked up, dismissive (and even abusive) mothers with people who have lovely (normal) ones who love them. They simply don’t get it. You can’t change her. She isn’t capable of being the person you need. At the same time, she is absolutely missing out on connecting with you and knowing you for who you truly are - not just “her daughter.” I’m really proud of you for knowing that you need more and reaching out. This is HER disability, not yours.