How to help my kid with this?

[Peaaaachz]

DS is 3y1mo. Since the age of 2 very very nervous of people he doesn’t see often. Used to have meltdowns now tends to act ‘shy’ (don’t like that word) if people come to our house he’ll play happily or we let him watch his favourite show so he’ll sit with us comfortable

in other houses he stays close to me then when I can see he’s confident enough I encourage him to wander (e.g. at nans house when cousins arrive , not in strange situations!)

However there’s some family he doesn’t really see much. I am the only member on my side with kids. So my family get together are for adults really usually evening drinks. We left NYE gathering today as he was getting worked up and asked to go home and said he didn’t want to go to the party :(

of course respected this , we went home! I just wondered is there anyway I can help this? My HV said to not avoid situations to keep exposing but it’s hard gearing everyone up getting everything packed (we have a younger child too( to go for 5 -15 mins and leave as he is upset as we’ve predicted

do we just say no in the future ? Hard just want my family all of them to see how amazing my kids are! But yeah he really shuts down in front of others

What time do these events / evenings out take place?
If it's running close to bedtime, you are taking a tired child out of their comfortable environment to go out to someone else's house.

The NYE gathering... was this to run on past midnight? Did you expect him to stay up past midnight?

Some children love parties & will happily stay up... others just want their routine and bed.
If we go anywhere that involves staying late with our kids, it can be hit & miss. They could have a great time or it could hit 9pm and they are asking to go home.

Your DS is only 3, I think you might be expecting a bit much. Give him time.

He needs to see some of them 1:1 to build up a bond

So started at 6 and then plan was to leave around half 7 as he goes to bed about 8-9 after a nap day and he had a nap after the park this morning!

definitely aware of avoiding places when tired etc. my question is more do I just avoid majority of social stuff? Even some daytime stuff is a no with him

i want to help because growing up (diagnosed Asperger’s at 14) I felt forced and like my parents were embarrassed of how ‘shy’ I was. I’m not saying I suspect DS is on the spectrum but with what I grew up with I want to be better

My eldest daughter has always been abit like this....reluctant to socialise and interact with any adults other than a handful she sees regularly and knows best, and can go quite shy.

It's frustrating, but I think the more you push it the worse it could get.....as he grows older you can encourage him to take small steps of independence in speaking to more unfamiliar adults.

Starting pre-school/school might help as he will be around a wider range of adults on a regular basis.

This could backfire though....if his secure base of his parents is taken away and he is forced to be in 1-1 company with a stranger he might clam up more and become increasingly anxious about it.

He does actually go to nursery! And loves it and the adults there! I think though as he’s seen them for 2 years now he knows everyone so it’s part of his comfort zone like us

I don’t mind too much as I’m not social (as mentioned in earlier comment) my main worry is how I approach it I don’t want to be like my parents where I felt misunderstood etc but on the flip side if there’s ways I can build his confidence type of thing ?

Is he better at places like parks where it’s other kids rather than adults who will be the ones wanting to interact with him ? Some well meaning adults like family might be prone to talking to him out of manners where as strange adults in the park are unlikely to say much to him.

How is his speech ?

This was exactly my experience.

covid baby

wouldn’t really even interact with her own grandparents until about age 2 (we don’t see any of them too often. She was very slow to warm up to them)

eventually warmed up to them, but hated all strangers . (eg in supermarkets, doctors, dentists etc)

went to preschool at age 3

mellowed out a lot, really came out of her shell

now 5 and I can’t stop her talking to strangers and telling them her life story 🙄

We’ve been referred to SALT for speech sounds. He chats away but the sounds on most words isn’t quite right x

He used to be nervous around other kids but now when at soft plays parks etc he will tell me if a child is making him uncomfortable (some kids who push or demand they’re playing with something etc 😳) but the other day at a soft play a little girl came over to the block tower he was building, started bossing him about (kindly) and he loved it started handing her the blocks and playing with her as if he knew her! I watched in disbelief (but pride haha)

I always think in situations like this, what would I want/need if I was scared? And then do that. So when my dd is anxious in a social situation I keep her even closer to me then I normally would. When she was very small I used to sit her on my lap and then let her put my scarf over her head, now she’s a bit older I move my chair so we’re right next to each other, and then I let her do things at her own pace. She needs to feel safe and comfortable in the situation right next to me and then she might start to look around, and then move away a bit to get a drink or something. I ‘protect’ her from people who are trying to talk to her when she doesn’t yet feel comfortable, and I don’t care if people think she’s shy.

By whisking him away at the drop of a hat after 15 minutes you are almost confirming the message that there is something to be afraid of.
Be a bit more no nonsense. If his cousins are there, see what they are playing with, stay with him for a bit and then retreat back to the grown ups.

I just felt bad! This was at my family gathering so no kids

now I compare the 2 he isn’t as upset at DH’s side with cousins! So does warm quicker when it’s some kids there too

Being the only kid (apart from baby brother) can be daunting (will be easier when BB gets old enough to play with him).
Take some toys, sticker book or something familiar next time. Get the other adults to include him (if it were my house for example I would have said right I need a big boy helper to help me carry some food) or similar to make him feel special.

I think setting out what might happen and talking about it in advance could help. If they are use to grandmas house with just grandma then turn up and there’s 10 other people it’s scary. I think we forget as adults that’s kids brains don’t work the same way as adults yet.

If you are going to a party, talk about the location, who might be there do you think there could be a bouncy castle etc. It doesn’t need to be scary you can turn it into a guessing game. What colour is the slide at this park etc?

Reassure them you won’t leave them, they can sit on your lap for as long as they need but you will be staying for a certain length of time. If other adults approach advocate for your DC and just say they are warming up can they come back in 10mins

Well a 6 o clock start is too late for a 3 year old who isn't happy to whiz around and be entertained.

DD is autistic we do t avoid places but we do plan time and place carefully and I give her a time frame and stick to it " We are going to GParents to have dinner, play some games and watch a film. We will leave at X o'clock" and that helps because she knows what to expect. Obviously he is very little so a visual timetables might help.

We wouldn't be leaving after 15 mins but would have a plan B if she were 3 it would be " let's make a fort under the table and you can do some colouring" or similar.

You know that you having an ASC means he likely does too so I would parent him as if he does, although it is entirely normal for a 3 year old to want to stay with their primary care giver. Think of all the old books etc of tots "peeking out from behind mums skirts" or "hiding in mums skirts" so it's not unusual.

This is excellent advice.
I wouldn’t be setting out that you will be backing out after 15 mins each time…gives the wrong message.

DS is ‘shy’ and I was as a child too and I felt self conscious about it - which was the real issue. I reframed it for myself when I got older. DS’s dad told him off for being shy around his family, I agreed he was shy but told DS that was fine, nothing to worry about, very natural and probably quite smart. I haven’t heard any more complaints about it from his dad. DS is still cautious with strangers but I don’t see a problem with that as long as he is happy and confident to be so.