SIL living at home and difficult, has OCD and not getting help

[Helpwiththis1]

Advice appreciated please.

Have had a very difficult time with SIL. Lives with PIL, has never left home and is now mid 40s. Has interfered a lot with siblings partners, including in my relationship. Can be really malicious. SIL has now lost all tolerance for visiting GC and quite frankly terrifies the younger ones - continually tells them off and shouts. Mine are told to be considerate before visiting, but the list of things that upset SIL is exhaustive and then she turns on the adults.

I have really tried and been sympathetic, but am not having DC beyond upset and my family damaged further. I guess being low contact IRL is better for everyone.

Has OCD, but is being shielded by PIL and so not getting outside support. I presume they did this out of misplaced kindness. Some of the behaviour is really malicious and involves issues that are none of her concern (not at their house or in her presence), so by no means would this be anything to do with OCD and I do not want to insult/upset anyone who suffers from it. PIL never stand up to SIL, and after seeing the outbursts I can sort of see why. They are being isolated by it, which is a concern I wish DH would address.

DH has been hopeless, initially denied it (though cannot anymore and has now been open about diagnosis) and fails to set boundaries to protect DC. Obviously I have a husband problem.

Sorry, a difficult post, I really don't want to insult anyone, a bit cathartic to get it out. Is there any option rather than cheery online contact and very low contact IRL?

How old are your children? If PILs house in unsafe to visit the children shouldn’t be taken there

Thanks for replying @Blakehouse

Primary. Completely agree and the visits have been dreadful and will stop when she is there or be very minimal (meeting up for a walk or coffee in the garden). Furious with DH for trying to pretend nothing was wrong.

The visits have become more and more traumatic (for all involved - she wants the visits and then explodes) and I am drawing a line for DCs' sake. Older children in the family also getting similar treatment. Feel bad for everyone, but the adults should have addressed the issue long ago and it is now unfair to put DC in this situation. I have been honest with DC that there is a problem and it is not their fault, but they should try to be as considerate as possible. They cannot be left wondering what is going on.

I don't understand why you would put your children through this. If it was me, I would only visit if I knew that SIL was out of the way – does she work? Otherwise PIL have to come and visit you or meet in a neutral location without her.

@AlohaRose

DH forcing it - have threatened to separate over it (and other issues) and will go through with it if things don't change. I thought it would be better to stay to avoid 50:50.

SIL does work a bit, but is always with PIL, always goes with them if they leave the house, visit, etc.

She sounds like my friend's SIL except 10 years older and without any MH issues! That SIL got to a point where she physically attacked my friend's husband for no good reason and the mother enables her bitchy bad behaviour.
No advice except you have my sympathy sorry.

That's terrible @sommerjade , so sorry for your friend.

With SIL it is more incredible control over normal situations and shouting meltdowns if there is anything she perceives as wrong. Lots of stirring to try to control situations that havee nothing to do with her so it feels very manipulative.

One side is that your PIL won't see your SIL's behaviour as an issue (for whatever misguided reason). So if they won't meet up outside their home without SIL, you'll have to say they won't see the grandchildren. To protect your DC.

The more complex aspect is your DH. I'm sure he's been conditioned all his life to accept his siblings behaviour and manipulation, by his parents. Which is SO hard to break out of. But his marriage is now on the line because of it and his DC are being harmed. Does it get any more serious? Perhaps he could do with some counselling?

Some people are absolutely lovely and have OCD. She, however seems to display cluster b personality traits. In this instance it sounds like the OCD is a cover to treat her entire family like shit and manipulate them. Your poor PILs must be walking on eggshells every day and have little insight into how awful she is because they have given her power over them.

Honestly, it sounds like she won’t ever be open to treatment because the OCD is a way to manipulate everyone. You have to stop giving her that power. Keep your children well away from this woman and if you can’t get through to your PILs then you won’t be visiting the house. Your husband though needs to have a serious think about what to do. The idea of your SIL getting involved in your marriage though should have been the line for your your husband though. Sorry OP sounds really tricky.

It is so difficult @PragmaticIsh DH just cannot seem to comprehend it for long enough to set any reasonable boundaries. I want to just keep contact very minimal, but DH is completely unpredictable and slips into denial over the whole thing. I can't see how as the outbursts are against lots of people, and impossible to miss. I am trying to get him to attend counselling, even if it is joint.

I completely agree @timbitstimbytes I feel bad even mentioning what the diagnosis was, as there is obviously a lot more going on that is very unpleasant and from other issues. My husband is a nightmare. I would like to divorce (for many reasons), but do not want to end up with him taking DC to the house without me there.

I feel really bad for PILs, but also cannot comprehend how they do nothing when it is impacting GCs.

Oh, wow, so there's quite a bit more going on in the background then too with your husband and your relationship on top of this? Is he not really listening to you?

You keep saying that she needs outside help and your husband needs counselling, but really for his family the prospect of this opens up the judgement of others as to how bad things really are, so they are reluctant to face this. I suspect things with the daughter and your PIL is probably way worse than they portray to you and it's possible what you are seeing is them keeping up appearances and behind closed doors things are much worse? Elder abuse is sadly surprisingly common, I may be wrong, but your post suggests her behaviour towards them is pretty serious.

In situations like this natural consequences - you won't meet PIL with her, you won't facilitate your husband going ( for example if it's his turn to take a kid to an activity but he wants to see PIL you say no) might start to get a message through. If he does go against your wishes repeatedly (bearing in mind you have other issues too) if you are wanting to leave then this might give the family the shake up they need to address the situation?

As for not being able to control visits when separated, I totally understand that one is tricky. Kids are smarter though than we give them credit for. If you have removed yourself though from a toxic situation then that is a good example to them. They will naturally see that being with Mum is safe and secure and Dad's family is (sadly) unstable and horribly stressful to be with. By the time they are 12 they will have their own interests and can start to opt out. Your own pushback against this toxic situation will be an example to them.