I am hugely struggling with this stage

[imalonewiththis2]

I don’t know what to get out of this but have would love at least some reassurance it might get better or hear from other parents of similar aged kids . I’ve 3 dcs , three sons. It was obviously hard work when they were small and for two of them in particular as they never,ever slept so I had years of chronic sleep deprivation.
It got a little easier when youngest turned 3 but then Covid hit and I lost my job and there was a lot of other stress. However I still really enjoyed the time when they were small and we did our best during Covid and they were good ages to keep everything simple.
We’ve never had any family help whatsoever, they don’t live far away , they are all just completely hands-off and don’t do any babysitting/practical whatsoever, it’s been like this our entire parenting lives, we even had to get paid help when I went into labour.
I thought it would just get easier by now- our kids are 8, 11 and 13 and I’m finding it so, so hard. I really enjoyed the routine and activities when they were younger (I know not everyone does ) like the playground, softplays , farms etc. I think I’ve found the transition much harder than I expected. Their behaviour is so bad at the moment and we are firm , fair , always carry out consequences/it actually doesn’t seem to work that well. They argue constantly with us and with each other about everything.
I can’t actually think of this getting worse tbh. Maybe it’s just hugely magnified at the moment as they are off and the weather where we are is awful, they are extremely physically, they have always had way, way more energy than average kids so thankfully they all love sports but over the holidays obviously there is a lot less on.
My eldest does have lots of friends and he meets them and we often have kids over for of them which is great but also lots of boys can be tiring also.
Everything.is.a.battle , everything… I do ask them what they’d like to do and I absolutely understand that they are older and won’t want to be dragged to stuff but equally I can’t have them on screens all day - this makes their behaviour awful and the youngest then just wants to watch and he’s too young to be in front of video games all day. I make deals etc and give them times . It’s all still endless arguments and is so so embarrassing tbh, we were away a few months ago and tried playing some cards on the train and they just ended up screaming and fighting.
Of course we separate them and do things alone, actually relatively frequently as we know how important this is . My dh is very hands-on and we do try and swap over but I’m a teacher (ironically secondary!!!) and all my time off is spent with them , my dh has to work but he takes them off camping etc and doing lots but it’s still constant bickering…. The main this is the constant objection to anything we want to do, it’s absolutely constant. I just don’t hear my other friends talk about it , they talk about holidays being relaxing .
I don’t leave my 11 and 13 years old alone (maybe max an hour ) at home as I’d worry about fighting (which we are completely strict on and immediate consequences-they still fckn do it 🤷‍♀️) and the 11 year old has really bad impulse control and I’d worry re fire etc.
It’s absolutely exhausting and I actually worry we might get sick, we both look exhausted. Both of our jobs are very full-on too. We’ve tried to find babysitters to get a break (we aren’t in a country that has websites for babysitting services) but honestly it’s very hard to find anyone anymore. We can never go to events together and I guess we are just totally burnt out . There isn’t an easy solution. I’m a teacher and I’m good with behaviour, I’m consistent but it just doesn’t seem to work for them 🤷‍♀️ Please tell me this will get easier!!!

Thank you so much for this . I think the fact that actually when I was dealing with 3 under 6 ( and they were not at all easy toddlers and shockingly bad sleepers) I do I was actually a great mum.
I was patient and even wreaked out of my mind put on the waterproofs and we got out everyday. I remember painting their rooms while baby napped and younger two playing. It wasn’t easy but I can’t believe how hard this is tbh. You think I’d know being a teacher !! It’s just different when it’s your own. We adore our children but this stage is really knocking me. I’m also v late 30’s so prob just getting older two whereas I was much younger with small kids. Also I’m working more and also find working harder than when they were younger as it’s way more of a juggle . I honestly believe that older teenage stage will be easier…😬

I’m the same @WhiteLily1 , my family don’t like hearing anything negative and they don’t do support so I don’t talk to them
about anything real. Also a lot of my friends have much younger kids as had kids later or even the ones of a similar age haven’t got that puberty stage . I do have some friends who are struggling too but it’s all with older teenage girls. And I have a couple who are just completely relaxed about screen time and tbh they seem happier 😂

Screens are ruining children. You are making the right call in not just letting them have them whenever they want. Really sad to hear of 12 year olds stuck in their rooms on screens or devices all day - I also work in a school so I know the impact.
I have kids similar ages and it really is tough. The oldest are losing the kid stage, and with that, toys and imagination which would have previously kept them occupied. There are also a lot of hormones kicking in! We do a lot of walks, mine have a lot of energy like yours and I can’t be bothered most of the time especially when the weather is awful but I still drag them out. Would you let your eldest out with friends to a field for a kick about or something? I’m trying to develop specific interests with mine, so if it is art for example, helping them find what they really enjoy doing and buying them things towards it etc

Hi op. I have dds so probably not very helpful advice, but they were both very high energy children and teens.

They argued a lot and we decided that they needed more responsibility and more challenge in their life. So their energy went in to something more productive.

For us it was athletics, horse-riding and guides for both of them. But it could be anything; martial arts, sailing club, rugby club, rowing club, swim club, racquet sports, climbing. It’s all very expensive but honestly we gave up a lot of things for ourselves and our home to facilitate it.

A collective club atmosphere is very good for dc where they have to obey other adults and fit in with people who are older and younger than themselves. Also very good for teen boys to be put in charge of younger kids.

As a teacher you know about all of this better than me - they need a busy schedule that stretches them - and you have a great advantage if you live in a sunny climate.

Children are capable of so much more than we give them credit for and we remove all challenge and responsibility from their lives nowadays and they get frustrated and angry and then we wonder why they fail to launch in their 20s!

Sorry op, I went off track there, I don’t mean you in particular, I mean society in general is not providing young boys what they need in general. I think you are doing brilliantly to keep them off screens.

My solution would be to join a club of some sort and get thoroughly embedded and involved, Not just in the sport itself where they will learn to be depended upon. and gracious in defeat, but also in the maintenance of the grounds and equipment, doing things like serving refreshments, collecting bats and balls, looking after younger members, It all helps,

@Howmanyshoeboxesdoesittake I agree with you completely, our sons are on every activity going ! They love sports and although I hate the weekends spent driving around and it is expensive it is well worth it as you say having other adults calling the shots and just for those energy levels . I think that’s what’s been the difficult thing this holiday, a lot of their sports aren’t on at the moment (just during the break ) so all that energy isn’t being burnt up .

I couldn’t agree with you more

There is a balance though. Dh was dragged by his parents on so many days out that he didn't want to go on, didn't enjoy; what he wanted was never factored into the equation as a teenager. He was complained at for being on the computer too much, in his room too much, etc etc.

I had a lot more freedom, and due to this I enjoyed days out, and the down time I was given playinmy in my room, games etc I loved. I loved the privacy, and I was happy, and liked being in a more relaxed household. I would have hated being timed. It didn't feel like a battle. I had a much better relationship with my parents as an adult, communication was better in my household. I also went on to university, have great time management and was successful. Dh, who had a stricter household unfortunately has had a lot of struggles.

I think you're right to limit screens. It's really hard now but worth it in the long run.

Could you get your kids to make a list of activities they'd enjoy (they might be more amenable to doing days out if they are ones they've chosen) and plan to do one every few days if behaviour is good?

Eg: trampoline park, ice skating, paintballing, escape room, canoe hire, hiking up the nearest mountain, fishing, parkour, geocaching/orienteering

I think it sounds like you are doing an amazing job about enforcing appropriate boundaries and being consistent. I agree with the previous positive comments about giving them 1 to 1 time etc.

I think unfortunately many children do go through this stage and I'd encourage you to keep on keeping on!

There only 2 other things I'd suggest. Part of the frustration comes because you hope ( of course) that they are not going to fight/argue back etc next time. Then of course they do! I think if you accept that this is going to happen sometimes and it is isn't because you are a bad parent, then you can just impose the consequence without feeling so frustrated! Don't take it personally if you can help it!

As far as coming off the screens without argument is concerned, then I'd perhaps think about a small reduction in screen time the next day ( eg 20 mins less) for each time they argue about it. The key thing about this is to keep track and actually remember what you have said ( I know but isn't easy) and keep the consequence enough to mean something but relatively small. If you do too big a consequence, then they have nothing to lose and will erupt. They will protest about this at first however be consistent and you will have dealt with it inside a fortnight!

Mumsnet is actually fantastic at times , I really appreciate the replies. I honestly felt I was going to have a breakdown recently, we had been driving back from a holiday that cost thousands and a lot of it was spent with them squabbling and me expecting them to enjoy rock-pools for hours like they used to 😂😂😂
I was realistic but the pool wasn’t as interesting anymore , they fought on the trampolines and it was just exhausting. But actually when I stepped back , it was a place we went on holidays a few times when they were small (a lovely campsite with cabins) and the pool was tiny now they were bigger , the same with the trampoline. It just didn’t work.
Honestly they aren’t bad kids , glowing reports from teachers , are constantly invited to friends houses , polite , very cuddly. It’s just the last year there’s been a huge change and it’s been a shock !
I also think we aren’t going to spend thousands on “holidays” anymore until they are older and can be left more if I’m honest.

I have two girls who are the age of your youngest two. We have limited screen time and nobody has their own device (screens would be TV and maybe a game or two). They are always ratty with each other. I feel like every other parent hands over an iPad and gets peace and quiet.

It's shit.