This is going to sound harsh

[Diggys]

I feel awful for saying this but I need to get it off my chest. DS is 4 in feb and is autistic. Everything is so, so difficult and I sometimes wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. He’s had me up since 3.30 making noises, up in my face. I’m sat here crying because I just don’t know what to do. I don’t even get a break in the day. Honestly he doesn’t leave me alone. He always has to be touching me and climbing all over me. I’m the one who has to do everything because if his dad tries doing anything with him or trying to do anything for him he kicks off. It’s suffocating and I honestly don’t think I get more than a couple of minutes to myself.

I feel sick with lack of sleep and he keeps digging his nails into my arm. His dad is fast asleep and I want to drag him up.

I love him to bits of course and it’s not all bad but it’s just so hard and tiring a lot of the time. I’m probably saying all this because I’m tired. I just feel useless

The world seems so bleak when you're sleep deprived, doesn't it. And when your kid is the person doing it to you it must be so demoralising! My sympathy, OP.

@Diggys it sounds really hard.
💐
And also it sounds like you're being amazingly present for your son.
I'm in a similar place with my 4 y o, though not nearly so extreme - No diagnoses, he's full on and a dreadful sleeper and not interested in being comforted by dad.
I can get consumed with jealousy when I think of mum friends who've been getting full nights of sleep since their LO was six months old. Or reading on here about 4 year olds who will occupy themselves for over an hour in the morning before waking mum😱
But that doesn't touch the love I feel for my boy. And the gratitude I feel for being his mum.
"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"

• Walt Whitman

Could you wake up husband , regardless if he can physically do anything ,but just for the silent support of being up with you , maybe making you a cuppa, and just being beside you .
I'm sorry things are rough for you right now

Sleep deprivation is torture. You need a night away on your own. DH will have to cope.

Yes that’s shit. I’m not going to qualify my statement with platitudes. I’m sorry you are going through this.

You need to leave the house and get some rest so your dh and he bond. Harsh as it sounds you may not always be there to care for him, he needs to get used to other people.

Thanks for the advice/support. The bags under my eyes are no joke this morning. Neither are my red eyes🫣 It’s so hard to say my true feelings because right now he’s cuddled up to me so I feel bad admitting I’m struggling with him. It’s just so hard. He has very limited understanding which makes things even harder. Trying to explain to him that he can’t have chocolate at 6am. Then he just screams. How am I meant to teach him things when he doesn’t understand?

Go out and leave him with dad. You need some time out or you will burn out.

I think both you and his dad have to steel yourself to deal with him “kicking off” and let/make his dad take over more. Your child has two parents and he needs to learn to accept that mummy is not available 24 hours.

Obviously his autism makes this more difficult, but you will burn out and then you’ll be no use to him or yourself.

I find a hot bath or shower really helps after a night of no sleep.
I have a 7 year old who sleeps really badly or rather doesn’t sleep and I know I’ll get slated for this but I’ve often put CBeebies on the iPad and rolled over and dozed back off.
It gets easier when they are at nursery or school.

You don’t need to feel awful for being honest OP. You are coping with something so difficult that anyone with a heart will sympathise with, even if they can’t really understand. You really are at the hardest time of the hardest time right now because your child is still too young to have the support of school and it’s the Christmas holidays which is never easy with autistic children.

There are so many families just like yours, suffering in silence and having to fight hard for every little bit of support they can get for their child. It’s wrong and heartbreaking but there is support and solidarity out there that will help you cope. I hope you can find it, and that you manage to get some rest today somehow.

Maybe see if you can order some hard squeezy putty that your son can use instead of your arm to get the sensory input of digging his nails in. You could even roll it out and lay it over your arm if you have to.

I have a 7 year old who sleeps really badly or rather doesn’t sleep and I know I’ll get slated for this but I’ve often put CBeebies on the iPad and rolled over and dozed back off.
It gets easier when they are at nursery or school.

Sometimes you just need to do whatever gets you through, no slating here. My kids are 11 and 13 and only now reliably sleep through the night.

I agree with others that you need to do whatever works. If that means a lot of screen time then so be it. If a little bit of chocolate at silly o'clock is going to help then I'd go with it.

I also agree that you need time out. If you can afford it a night at a Premier Inn or something once every so often just to give you a complete break. It's absolutely vital that he gets used to being without you if he is going to be able to cope at nursery and school.

Are you getting DLA? Nothing you're saying is sounding harsh.

I've been where you are, it is incredibly hard!!!
It really helped when ds started at his special school.
Do you have any support?

you need time out. If you can afford it a night at a Premier Inn or something once every so often just to give you a complete break. It's absolutely vital that he gets used to being without you if he is going to be able to cope at nursery and school.

This.

You know about putting your oxygen mask on first. This is what you need to do. Not only because you'll burn out otherwise, but because your son needs to bond with his dad and ultimately learn how to cope in the world outside his bubble.

You'd ultimately be doing him a disservice if you keep on sacrificing yourself for his immediate wants.

DP has finally woken up and come downstairs🙄 He told me to go up to bed but I really don’t think I’ll manage to sleep now so going to have a bath instead. Finally a bit of peace