Feeling guilty... advice please!

[deflatedbirthday]

We were supposed to be going to Amsterdam tomorrow for NY. NYD is also DSS birthday and it's his 10th. Incidentally it's also my birthday.

The whole family was travelling to Amsterdam as DFIL has terminal brain cancer and a matter of weeks/ months to live. This was to be a last family holiday while he was still able.

DSS was so looking forward to this, as was DSD. They don't know the extent of DFIL illness.

DFIL is in intensive care. He had emergency surgery on Friday for something unrelated to his brain cancer. He is not out of the woods and this will most certainly impact on his remaining time.

As a family we obviously made the decision none of us will travel. We need to be here to support DFIL and DMIL.

I just now feel incredibly guilty about DSS birthday. I have ordered decorations. I'm making a cake tomorrow. We are having a family takeaway.

I will ask DSS if there is anything he wants to do locally this weekend but I can't help but feel awful for him.

Try and find your peace with the fact that this is completely out of your hands. You can empathise with how disappointed your son MIGHT feel (has he said he is or have you made an assumption?) without carrying guilt. It’s really tough not to shoulder responsibility for everything when you’re a parent, it’s great that you care so much about his feeling but it doesn’t do either of you any favours. It’s also one birthday out of many and you’re managing it the best you can under the circumstances. Is it worth being a little more open, with age appropriate language, about his grandads health? As much as we try and protect kids from heavy stuff I always feel it can cause more worry for them not being truthful as they often sense something is wrong and don’t quite know why. Good luck with it all, it’s not your doing, anybody’s fault and certainly not your guilt to carry, let him and you sit with the feeling of sadness and disappointment if that’s what presents xx

Where do you live OP and can you throw money at it,?

Guilt is not appropriate here, as no one is in control of these events. You're not responsible for the timing of emergency surgery.

Presumably your DFIL is your DSS' grandfather? So the priority for your DSS is probably his DGF not the birthday.

What you're doing is enough - still marking the birthday whilst in the midst of a difficult period. Doing much more would be strange as it would require everyone to pretend the health situation didn't exist?

Thanks all. I know I'm being silly. I know DSS will understand. I just always want the best of everything for them and I feel doubly sad that this is all happening and that it's affecting his birthday. I equally don't want his future birthdays to be tarnished with memories of what is happening though I know that might be unavoidable. It's already an absolutely awful time of year to have a birthday (speaking from experience as it's my birthday too!).