Improving my relationship with my mum.

[Hipponotamus]

Yesterday I waved my mum off after a 4 day visit and I’m feeling really low.

On paper she’s a nice person, loves my kids, doesn’t criticise me, generous etc. But I find her really exhausting and frustrating and feel horribly guilty about it…because she’s a nice person, loves my kids, doesn’t criticise me, generous etc.!

I think at the core of it, I don’t experience her as being genuine or real a lot of the time. For example: she slips in and out of an affected way of speaking; she tries to force intense, emotional moments between us; she gives me these meaningful hugs and kisses my cheek in this soft, tender way and I have a really hard time not physically recoiling and cringing. It all feels completely incongruous with the relationship we actually have, which has never been close.

She’d really like a closer relationship, I’m sure. I think all of this stuff is trying to force that, really. In theory I would too, if it was real. With friends and others I really enjoy closeness, physical affection, sharing intimate stuff, etc. She has great friends and clearly others connect well with her. But I find it really, really hard to enjoy her company or feel relaxed or anywhere near comfortable enough to talk with her openly about the things she wants to start these intense conversations about (my weight, my marriage, my children’s mental and emotional health, my finances, my spirituality…)

I have two sisters who describe feeling similarly about her, and about the guilt of feeling this way too.

I’m not sure exactly why I’m posting. External processing maybe. Advice from anyone who’s experienced something similar? From anyone who’s been on the ‘mum’ side of this experience? I feel so sad because it feels like it could be a good relationship, and I love her very much, but it’s missing the mark and I really want to do something about that if I can.

Hi Hipponotamus, I’m sorry to hear that it’s a struggle with your mum. I’m a long time lurker and not sure how I feel about posting on forums, but came on here today because I have a very similar experience with my own mum and was also wondering if I was alone in this. I am constantly on edge when she is around, needing to guard everything I say and do, so that I become brittle and edgy when she visits. I can’t even look her in the eye. She will also put her arms around me and tell me how much she loves me, that I am a “star” or a “darling”, and I am desperate to push her away and shout at her that she is a liar and doesn’t mean it, and that she doesn’t even like me.

She is often a bit of a martyr, and seems to need everyone around her to acknowledge that she is putting herself last (so won’t make a cup of tea without going round the whole house checking whether every single person wants one, even if that means waking up the uncle asleep on the sofa).

You mention that she wants to have deep conversations with you about quite personal issues. Is there a backstory here? In my case, my mum has a longstanding obsessive notion, that I can only describe as a thought disorder, that she is a terrible person. This spills over into me and my brother, so that she has to constantly find evidence that we are damaged and broken individuals as a result of her behaviour. So I can’t say, do or even think anything when she is around, because it results in this self loathing and disappointment in herself, which also gives her a perverse satisfaction. So for example I had a relationship breakdown (as have most people at some point I presume!) and she told me that it was all her fault, that I can’t sustain a relationship and had I considered having a baby alone. She accused my near teetotal brother of being an alcoholic and sent him AA information when his partner made a joke about him having a sip of beer one day. All of this means that saying anything to her, or expressing any emotion in her presence, feels laced with danger.

It’s all so very sad, and she is incredibly lonely, which adds an enormous burden of guilt to the situation.

In your case you say you want to make the relationship better. Have you thought about what that would look like in practice? Is it that you want to feel less guilty, do you want to be more emotionally available to her? If it’s that, then I think the first step in your mind is to work out why you feel like you do about her. And then to think about what the potential ramifications might be of being more open?

Sadly in my case I have come to the conclusion that I can’t give my mum what she wants. I can continue to have a superficial relationship with her, but the closeness she craves is not possible because her own entrenched issues make that impossible.

sorry, long post. You can probably tell I need to get that off my chest too! But I hope it helps a bit to know you are not the only person to feel like this.

Thank you so much for your reply, @CocklesandMussels - it’s really impactful to read somebody’s similar experience. I’m so sorry for the history and how hard things are with your mum too.

Your questions have given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate it. ❤️

so I have a very strange relationship with my mum , she was only 16 when she had me so we’ve always been close in age and the lines have been blurred between us who is actually the parent , growing up she never hugged me , kissed me or told me she loved me , so when others started doing this it felt completely alien to me and I was unable to trust peoples intentions as well as other blurred lines in child hood I won’t get into, it made me a closed off of affection person , now I’ve just turned 40 and my mum has just started trying to hug me and kiss me and tells me she loves me and when she hugs and kisses my kids I find it so weird , I feel because she’s made a new friendship group and sees how they interact with their family’s she’s trying to do the same and I find it dishonest of her , and yes she completely exhausts me with this new her when she visits and I’m wary of her.

What was your childhood like OP? Because it sounds like maybe she was emotionally distant/unavailable when you were young. She might regret it now and be trying to force a connection but it feels incongruous to you because that’s not the person you have experienced in the past? Maybe you had to intensely manage your own emotions as a child because she couldn’t deal with them and it felt unsafe to express what you really needed.
In an ideal world an honest conversation is probably required along the lines of telling her you don’t feel comfortable with lots of cuddles and over the top expressions of affection because it feels like it’s not ‘us’ and not how you are used to relating to her. That way you focus on the issue but tackle it in a way that doesn’t sound like you’re blaming her.
But it sounds like she might not even be able to manage that level of reflection and honesty from you. So it may be that you just have to decide what level of interaction is comfortable for you and stick with that. For example you might not be comfortable with lots of one to one interaction where she is more likely to want to be cuddle you and make these over the top shows of affection but you’d be happier with less intense time together, maybe based on activities like shopping, eating out, visiting attractions or with other family members/ the children.

This post has made me very sad on your behalf, OP.
My mother left me with my Dad when I was three years old and has not been in my life at all since I was 14.
It sounds like you are so close to having a lovely relationship with your mum, but can’t quite make it work. All I can say is be grateful she is there, in your life, and offering a possibility of the mum-daughter relationship you want.
Life is short. Do your best to open up a proper conversation about what needs to change, then just start with baby steps.
Good luck - am sure it will be worth it xx