DH has gone out AGAIN

[armchairuser]

Friday night he spend all night doing his hobby at home. Saturday he was out all day and night with friends. He has the day off today and has just gone out again (2pm) to a friends house with a box of beers.

Our DC are old enough to be left, if I wanted to go out, None of my friends are around. I will be sat alone bored again tonight. DC will do own thing. I also feel embarrassed I don't have lots of friends to go out with, the last few days has really highlighted that.

Why isn't he including you when he meets his friends? Or are they men only?

Was there a discussion? You make it sound like he just scarpered out the door with his cans under his arm. If this was my DH, he would have mentioned his plans, I might have said I had hoped we’d spend the day together etc.

@LetsNCagain it's men only. I could join but would feel out of place tbh.

Feeling really low today. My only option is to go to the gym tonight.

Honestly, you need a hobby or new friends! Your partner can't be responsible for your social life and having them as your only social life is dangerous if they've got a wide social circle.

Perhaps a gym class? Or a sports group? WI?

I used to feel that way sometimes, DH had a great group of friends. Now I have my own (and hobbies!) and honestly it's so much better.

@FuckItItsFine he usually goes out Monday nights to a hobby. Last night he said the hobby wasn't on tonight and we would do something/spend the eve together. But it was a v lose arrangement/conversation. Then he said he was going out at 2pm but would be back for the eve. Fair enough as I am WAH today anyways. I joked 'see you tomorrow'' (as in I will be in bed when you get back ie late) and he said yeah it might be a late one actually.

See if you can try and have a lovely day on your own.

Some ideas for what I would do...

Have a spa day
Or do a DIY spa day at home
Download a new video game and play it all day
Reread a favourite book
Go for a walk with an audio book on in my headphones
Batch cook
Go shopping and try on lots of clothes/perfume samples
Go out for a solo dinner (sit at a bar table so I can chat to the barman if I feel alone)

Is this typical? Does he usually go out a lot or is just because it's Christmas and his friends are off work?
We're all different. I personally am over the moon when DH goes out. I absolutely love it! But you don't, so you need to look at the reasons why. Is it because he goes out too much in general, is it because you feel you don't have enough friends, is it because you feel he doesn't care about you? What exactly is upsetting you?

Ah cross posted, you're working today! In that case I'd have a hot toddy in the bath and an early night!

@SallyWD I don't mind DH being out for an odd night in the week. He has a hobby and goes to the meets for these. I would never stop him going out (no point as it would mean he is spending time with me because I told him to, not because he has chosen to). Saturday and today are an exception as it's Christmas. He would usually be working today.

I feel like he doesn't want to spend time with me. I am now concerned he thinks I'm boring and/or I am boring. I wish I had more friends (I have really lovely friends but just not that many).

Just feeling really sad today because of all this. He will be out and I will be at home sorting everything. Like I always am.

@LetsNCagain ty for the ideas. I finish at 3pm today so lots of time for some of those ideas.

Definitely don't sort anything. Don't do any housework or anything like that, just do something that will make you relaxed/happy.

Also, I'd text around your mates to get your diary filled up for January. Get stuff booked in advance

@LetsNCagain ❤

He's just messaged to say he will walk home later but not sure when (we tend to pick each other up when one of us is on a night out).

for some reason that has made me burst into tears

I'm sorry you're so upset. This has obviously driven home things that are going on for you that you might have been avoiding.

First, it's really upsetting to think that someone is avoiding spending time with you. That's really hurtful.

Second, your lack of hobbies or a social life.

What I've found is that I'm more attracted to people who have their own interests. Perhaps they write poetry, do conservation work, hike, make pots, it doesn't matter what it is but they're busy and fulfilled.

Next year you can work towards building up your social life. Look on meetup.com to see what's going on in your area, do a night class, work towards a fitness goal, take up life drawing - it doesn't matter. Just get out there and meet new people.

You might find that when you're less available, your husband wants to spend more time with you.

When I moved in with partner 95% of the social engagements stopped (including online gaming stuff). Ok we moved 40 miles away from hometown without a car, but still. I was sad a bit at first but got used to new routine. Maybe DH needs to adjust his routine more to fit family in. Can't act 18 years old in this situation. Can you win over relatives or friends to speak to him about it? Good luck.

I have the opposite. I am the one that has hobbies and more friends . But what do you want to do spend time doing together? I got no decent answer just I dunno . I don't want to watch the boring ( for me ) things he wants to. And I got tired of being the event organiser . Are you now a couple with grown up kids ? Maybe it is time you to involve yourself in new things so that at least time together you have something to talk about.

I'm sorry that you're feeling sad. I'm sure he doesn't think you're boring. Let's be honest, if you've lived with someone for a couple of decades, then it might sometimes seem like more fun to go out without your mates.
But you said you're working from home today? So he couldn't do anything with you even if he wanted to? Then it seems natural that he'd make other plans, especially if your children are teenagers, so probably don't want to do anything with him.
It sounds to me like you're feeling a bit low and taken for granted. Do you ever have quality time together? Our children can now be left alone so we've started reconnecting as a couple. For 15 years we were just parents but now we're able to go out for lunch, dinner or walks together. It's been absolutely lovely to feel like a couple again. It reminds me of when we first got together.

Your tone sounds pouty, and droopy. Get off the doormat this instant!

Go to the gym!!!!!

Be back late.

Ask what's for dinner.

Get a family planner and fill it up with your own gym, hobby, seeing friends plans.

No more wistful sad disappointed face.

Your assertive 'this is what is going to happen' attitude for 2025 starts NOW.

What are his friends' partners doing? Maybe one could end up a good friend or you could arrange couple's things.

My DH is the type where he likes arrangements/doing things, so he wouldn't be happy to sit in with me and watch TV, but if I suggested going to the cinema or having a couple's board game night he's happy to do that.