Tips for improving self confidence/self esteem?

[VanessaShanessaSmith]

Any books? Podcasts? Recommendations? Anything??

This is something that I have a major issue with and I simply can’t live like this any more. It affects everything.

It stems from childhood. I think I understand this now. Angry, resentful parents who had difficult childhoods themselves and who I think tried their best but were too immature and bad tempered to handle it, a lot of the time. I was smacked/slapped (punched on one memorable occasion, as a young teen), put down, criticised, dismissed. We had some lovely, happy times too, don’t get me wrong, I was loved. But they handled some aspects of parenting so, soooo badly. They were broke, stressed and unhappy, I can see that now.

We have decent relationships now and my parents do lots of good, kind things for me. They always did. But I feel so angry about the other stuff. I love my children so much and I don’t understand why I was treated the way I was sometimes. It would simply never occur to me to do those things to my children. I feel like maybe it was my fault and that I clearly wasn’t worth the same amount of love from them, that I have for my children. If that makes any kind of sense at all.

i think on a rational level I know that that’s not true and that this was about them, and their immaturity, but I always have a little voice in my head telling me I’m rubbish, I’m not worthy, I’ll be found out at work etc. I am “less than” other people. I also have a crippling fear of confrontation, I am terribly socially awkward and shy, and I am a pathetic people pleaser.

I think I am a good mum, and I live for my children. I try hard to build them up. I tell them how wonderful they are every day. I have a good career (which to be fair is down to my parents, who did a lot to help me achieve that) and a wonderful husband and a happy marriage and a nice house. I moved away from my family and made my own life where I rely on no one for help. I just got promoted. My kids are doing really well. I should be damn proud. Instead, I am full of self loathing and self doubt and social awkwardness and I really, really need to fix this.

If you can afford therapy I would consider it. It changed the way I approached conflict and ultimately how I move through life.

Hello! I've just read your post and so much resonated with me, although there differences too, that I thought I would chip in? I found 'Panicking about Panic' by Joshua Fletcher revelatory recently. You may not have the same symptoms that I had, anxiety, feelings of deeply low self worth, perfectionism etc, which eventually turned into panic attacks; but after many years of thinking 'well this is just who I am, and how I cope with things' learning that actually I didn't have to live in a constant carousel of panic and anxiety was fab! It involved a lot of acceptance and changing of mindsets, but if you're anything like me , I was fed up
With it and was, perhaps, ready to let go of well worn, but ineffective coping mechanisms. I also started keeping an anxiety diary which also helped deeply as actually'seeing' my thoughts written down, let me realise that a lot of my problems were the anxiety talking and not real shortcomings. I wish you loads of luck x

Agree with @Teamonkey123 , your post resonated with me too. I suspect you're much younger than me but you have eloquently described many people’s experiences of a seventies/eighties childhood. Mine included. I often think that our parents’ experiences of being raised by a wartime/postwar generation, who suffered so much, must have deeply affected them. And then subsequent generations. So, you are doing brilliantly to change things for your children.

And after that essay (!), in answer to your actual question, I would recommend getting down the gym. Short, daily sessions work much better for my health (mental and physical) than, say, a class two or three times a week. Or the faff of going swimming. It’s become a habit. My personal preference is before work, and it’s over and done with for the day, but I don’t have small children to organise! But regular exercise has made such a difference to my life.

Keep counteracting the negative self talk with all that positive talk that is in your post
because you sound like you're doing great at work and doing great at parenting.
You're parents didn't so don't listen to their voice in your head

Thank you @Teamonkey123. Your post makes me feel less…alone, maybe?

It’s interesting what you say about perfectionism. This is something that affects me greatly at work. I impose very high standards on myself when it comes to work, and have a tendency to be a bit of a workaholic and would work 18 hours a day if I didn’t have the kids (and my husband to gently tell me to put the laptop away now). I can get a bit obsessed/hyper focussed on it and as a result, quite stressed with it.

@Tutorpuzzle the gym is absolutely something I need to do. My husband is always suggesting this for mental health reasons and I intend to start. Thank you for your post 🙂

@VanessaShanessaSmith , I'm really pleased it did make you feel less alone, because I realised quite recently that when I was feeling low I would cut myself off from friends, withdraw in order to not let them see me at my 'worst', partly to reinforce my 'well I'm really not good enough so at least they see that now' but also, paradoxically to stop them seeing me as less than perfect and feeling sorry for me. My coping mechanisms were forged in childhood, as were yours? But learning that they were not set in stone and that I could actually change things was incredibly liberating, even it seemed to me small things like breathing properly at night when I woke up, meant that I got things under control quicker, and meant I got back to sleep quicker. Also huge for me was the acceptance that this was not something that I was going to cure (I thought being on Mirtazapine had 'cured' me) so when I had a major anxiety/panic attack recently that shut me down, I for the first time, properly asked for help which has led to me accepting and addressing my situation. Again sendings loads of good luck, it can get better x

Another one recommending exercise. I definitely recommend climbing (though I get it's not everyone's cup of tea)... there's a lot of focus on body movement so your brain can't start thinking about work.

I identify with your post and I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Here are a few suggestions

• Therapy - I think you would benefit from support, as your childhood experiences sound really difficult and hard to work through alone.
• The Happiness Trap book (Acceptance & Commitment based) it’s got practical exercises that are helpful and for me, started helping almost immediately.
• Reinventing Your Life book (Schema Therapy) - this might give you some insight into your perfectionism ‘unrelenting standards’ schema.
• Exercise - it might take a while to find the right thing for you, but it’s transformative in terms of confidence and headspace. Don’t make yourself do anything you dislike.
• Meditation - start small, just a few minutes a day makes a difference. Observing your own thoughts is a powerful tool.

all these things help build self-compassion and self-love.

Thank you. I’m going to buy The Happiness Trap and start there.