Can anyone help re anxious 10 year old?

[PrincessRoyale]

My lovely daughter is 10 and has a group of friends at school who seem to be really nice girls. They are quite “young” ten year olds, like my daughter, and I was so thankful that my daughter had “found her tribe”, so to speak.

In the run up to Christmas, my daughter was complaining quite a bit that there had been quite a lot of bickering amongst the group. Minor things, not being able to agree on a game to play at lunchtime etc. I put it down to them all being tired and overwrought in the run up to Christmas (school was really full on with Christmas events etc) and needing a rest/break from each other. I told my daughter that, and she agreed.

My daughter has however been quite anxious about it all. She is sensitive, dislikes confrontation, and to be honest (it has become apparent) really struggles to stand up for herself. She said that they all kind of look to her to resolve or decide things, and she hates it. I’ve given her some ways she could deal with it (eg tell them she’s going to go and play with someone else if they don’t stop arguing, or tell them she doesn’t mind what they do and someone else can decide etc) and we’ve even role played some of it, but she doesn’t seem to be able to do it, when it comes to it.

The result is that anxiety about going back to school is keeping her awake at night. the bickering and arguing makes her so unhappy and anxious. She’s already worrying about how she’s going to deal with it.

I feel like this is a resilience issue and I need to work on her confidence in standing up for herself and not worrying so much about upsetting her friends etc. I don’t want to minimise the way she’s feeling but it’s so low level and minor that I don’t really understand the level of anxiety it is causing in her.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice or insight on this?

Encourage friendships outside school, at clubs etc.
She will be at secondary school soon and they will all go separate ways.
Sounds pretty horrible OP. Year 6 is a bloody nightmare for teachers. Girls especially.

A lot of children seem to enjoy martial arts, karate etc and usually the place says just that in their advert that children's confidence improves. Could be worth looking into.

Martial arts does build confidence and they learn how to say no to others. It's one of the first lessons and it's surprising that many children find saying no in a way that suggests they mean it. It's also great to know how to defend yourself from being attacked which is a skill every woman should have.

Your daughter is probably feeling the pressure of having to sort out the squabbles and then having each of the friends fall out with her for "not siding with them". It quite traumatic when you are already trying to decide what you like, who you are and having the extra responsibility for being the decider and peacemaker.

I'd suggest that she gets everyone to agree to the choices be decided by random, like throwing a dice, picking a card, or number generator on a phone. Then she won't be the one being asked for the decision and it's not her fault for it not being one friends choice over another. Or that they agree to take turns or assign days to each activity, so each one is given the same priority.
Once she gets to secondary school she will be meeting new friends and naturally this will change the nature of the friendships she has now. Gaining the skills to be articulate or stand up for herself is important as she's going to need them there. It's ok to be different from her friends and hold opinions that they don't. Talk to her about it and tell her a true friend will want her to be happy too. They don't manipulate or disregard her, to get their own way.

Drama club, role play

You’re trying to help her opt out of making any decisions but the girls are seeking a decision from her.

She could always suggest that they take turns to decide the game each day. Start with girls names beginning with A or the shortest person.

Alternatively suggest they take a vote start of break time and either everyone plays the most popular game or the girls play two separate games.

I also forgot to say that although we see it as minor issues, for a 10 year old it's their world. Kids can be incredibly cruel and gang up together against anyone who doesn't "fit in".
My daughter was friends with some who weren't the best fit for her, to stop being bullied or to have a friend in the popular crowd.

When they moved on to secondary school, she found her voice and maturity to be able to realise that some of these "friends" weren't treating her kindly. The friendships she developed in secondary school were more aligned with her personality and more equal.