Would you be concerned about this 10 yo?

[Coordinatesofthemoon]

She permanently has a stuffed bear in her arm that she believes is real, she talks to it and claims it replies. You’d assume she has a great imagination and is playing make believe but this isn’t the case here.
If the bear is taken away for school for example, she will talk to herself instead and often replies outloud.
Everything is narrated. You could all be watching the same thing and she will loudly announce what is happening, for example that dog is walking past us/that’s a red car/ that person looked at me/I’ve got my hat on. Obvious things you wouldn’t expect to be said. Sometimes said several times to ensure everyone heard.
She is capable of chewing your ear off by speaking without even stopping for a breath. When asked why she can’t keep still or stop talking for a while she says that there is a lot in her head and she has to say it out loud.
school haven’t got any concerns as she’s an a+ student who absorbs everything like a sponge and passes all tests with full marks.
possibly not relevant but to also add, she is extremely rude and never says please or thank you, she is demanding and expects whatever she wants, she’s been spoilt for many years and has no respect for people or their belongings. She complains about absolutely everything and judges people a lot - i dont like this flavour/that tastes horrible/ what brand is it/ you didn’t cook that long enough/ why haven’t you got a carpet/ is that dust on the window. No one enjoys her company sadly. Yet no one will correct this behaviour. She is an only child which probably makes her feel lonely. She is passed pillar to post as she drains the life out of her parents.
I personally feel there is an underlying mental health issue here or perhaps ADHD? I want to help but I’m not sure where to start. Can anyone share their experiences or suggestions please.
(I won’t disclose my relationship to her for obvious reasons)

I think you need to keep your beak out tbh.

I find it hard to believe the parents & school haven't noticed anything at all if it's as bad as you describe. More likely they just don't want to discuss it with you.

She might be autistic, or she might not be. (I have an autistic DD who goes to an autism specific school, and quite a few of the girls seem to have strong attachments to stuffed animals of different kinds).

You sound very judgemental about the child though and as if you think you know better than others including her own parents. You don’t. You should probably stay away from them as a family, as they are better off without a judgemental onlooker, whatever is or isn’t going on with their DD.

My 9 year old talks to stuffed animals and herself all the time. She imagines scenes in her head and plays them out. It’s quite normal at this age. Mine isn’t rude though but I suppose if no one has ever taught the little girl to use her manners then it’s no surprise she doesn’t. It’s a shame she’s passed from pillar to post, poor thing

You sound nasty to be speaking about a small child like this. Stay out of it

I don't think the OP has said anything nasty. She's been factual to try and get advice.

Yes OP as an example teacher I'd be a bit concerned about this range of behaviours. I would suspect neuro divergence or some mental health challenges.

Do the parents want you to help? If they do then social stories could help. Start small e.g teaching manners, some work on understanding the feelings of others etc.

“She has been spoilt for many years” is rude and full of judgement.

She's not a small child really, she's 10 and will be going to secondary school in 9 months' time. If there are any potential additional needs, support needs to be put in place pretty damn sharpish.

Would I be concerned about this behaviour? Yes. I know someone who was very similar as a child and into their teens, and who wasn't diagnosed as autistic until she went to college. She struggled all the way through school, and her life would have been so much easier if she'd had the support she needed earlier on.

Would I do anything about it? That would depend on my relationship with her and her parents I guess.

Lol as expected the rush of ‘mind your own business’ which no I won’t as I specified I’m not disclosing who I am, I’ve deliberately kept my identity out for a reason and this situation is also my responsibility so if you’re only coming here to comment on that, bog off. If I posted as her mum responses would be very different hence why I asked ‘would you be concerned about these behaviours’ not ‘what’s wrong with my child and how do I fix it’.

Thank you to those offering advice and not judgement, if the school aren’t concerned will doctors have the same view? I’ve been told waiting lists are so long that there’s often no point being referred anymore. Teaching manners makes no difference, apart from education-wise, nothing else seems to stick in her mind. 2 seconds later she forgets.

That just sounds factual as the OP gave examples of where the child can be rude. It's not being said to the child themselves.

I've been told waiting lists are so long there's often no point being referred anymore

This is not true. Because they are long, it's important to get on them sooner, not later, if neurodiversity is suspected. Or, if you have money (about 2k for an autism assessment), you can go for a private assessment with a waiting list of a few months.

It is the OPs opinion about the parents that is rude and judgmental there. Unless there is someone else she believes to be responsible for the “spoiling”? And the behaviours that OP has decided are a result of that.

Consent from someone with parental responsibility is needed for any onward referrals. I'm not sure what your relationship is towards her, but do her parents share your concerns ? (Apologies if you already mentioned that)

No-one can say it is autism or not without seeing her, however you are describing some traits. How is she with friendships in school?

Schools frequently miss asd and adhd in girls. Trust your instincts op.

Also re the school's (lack of) concerns, schools are generally only concerned if a child can't keep up academically or if they go around punching other pupils or distrupting lessons. Academically able, well behaved but neurodiverse children aren't generally picked up by schools.

Not of the child though; talking about a child being 'spoilt' is often a criticism of the parenting.

The situation is your responsibility?

But you're not willing to do anything about it in case waiting lists are too long?

What, exactly, are you doing?

My dd is 14 and autistic and is massively attached to her teddies, she can also be perceived as rude sometimes because she's just blunt, but we have been working on this for a long time and she is getting a lot better.

Not saying this child is autistic, but if she is sitting about doing nothing at all isn't going to achieve anything. Get her name on the waiting list, and do some research and find some techniques to help her navigate the world around her (you should be doing this anyway, diagnosis or not).

Step parent?

Sounds like she's lonely and lives in her own world, does she have any friends at school? Perhaps she will get a fresh start when she changes school, new children she may make friends with.

You don't have to say yes or no.... I'm also a step parent and the way we have to post in some kind of code just to get advice so we don't get jumped on is ridiculous!

She could be ND but likewise this could just be her personality.

The fact that you’ve said she’s spoilt suggests that this is just personality, rather than ND.

Typically schools are pretty good at picking up on things like ADHD or things that are just a bit different compare to the average pupil.

Are the school saying she doesnt act this way in class?

What would having a label of ADHD do for her if school doesn’t think there’s a problem?

Thanks for the comments, it’s a very sudden thing it hasn’t been happening for years hence why the sudden concern and having no knowledge on how to deal with it.
She has lots of friendships but Issues with parents and play dates due to her behaviour.

It could be that the OP is in a kind of step-parent role here, which could make any kind of intervention by the OP very complicated and not something the birth parents would necessarily be happy about.

I think there are some markers here that mean investigating neurodiversity would be a good idea. In my experience (my ND child and others belonging to friends) children who are successfully masking at primary level often massively struggle with transition to secondary. You will need input from school (filling in questionnaires etc) but you can initiate a referral (assuming you are a parent of this child). We paid privately to get my son assessed for ADHD and it was c£1k and we waited about 6 weeks. On NHS it will take years.

I missed the update that it’s very sudden which makes neurodiversity less likely - reaction to trauma? Has she been ill (PANS/PANDAS?)

Yes I would be concerned. I would want an assessment. Also, why is the teddy going to school with her? At 10 soft toys need to be at home or at least in their school bags in the day. It’s unlikely you’d be able to do much about her parents spoiling her though, whatever your relationship to her.