Birthday Dilemma - Help!!

[rox1987]

My SIL has organised a surprise party for my DB's 40th at the end of January (weekend before his birthday). My DD shares a birthday with my DB and will be 1. My DH has chronic fatigue and mobility issues and we have 2 dogs (this is relevant)

The surprise party is in a different part of the UK to where we all live. DDad and DSM aren't going to the party.

DB has looked into organising a weekend away for us all on the weekend of the actual birthday. DH and I would have to put the dogs in kennels two weekends in a row (not overly keen on doing this) and it's a lot of travelling for DH with his health issues. There's also the financial aspect.

DB is really keen and I want, really want, to do the weekend away. But there are plenty of reasons why we shouldn't. I don't want him to spend a whole month getting lukewarm responses and thinking no one is bothered about his birthday, when actually we've already shelled out £400 on flights 😩

I don't really know why I'm posting this here so if I get any pearls of wisdom that's a bonus! Also, not a fan of surprise parties for this reason!

This post is really difficult to follow

So you've spent £400 on flights for DB surprise party and DB wants you to go away the following weekend for a big gathering (which is fair enough, just checking I've got my facts right)? Will you need to fly again or spend the same travelling? Sound like a lot with a 1 year old in the mix too plus your DH's health.

I'm not sure what you could say to your DB... You're really keen but Christmas has wiped out your spends so you would struggle to pay your share/deposit until next pay day? Do you need to consider how you're celebrating DD's birthday too?

So you have already spent £400 on flights for his birthday weekend away? The previous weekend is the party? Personally for the reasons you gave I would pass on the surprise party. Explain to DSIL that the weekend away is quite expensive and having to put your dogs in kennels & travel again the weekend prior is too much for you regarding money, time travelling & Dh health issues. None of this is unreasonable especially as you are celebrating with your brother on his actual birthday weekend. You do not have to accept every invitation you are given & it is entirely understandable that the party will be too much in these circumstances.

Sounds like you are financially committed to the surprise party.
So, you need to make your excuses for the actual birthday weekend get together. Money is probably the best. If you go for proir commitments, I guess the weekend will just change. All would that solve the problem - if the gathering was moved to later in the year?

I would go to both. Leave hubby with the dogs and little one, maybe share a room with a family member in a twin room so costs are cut down on having to have a family room then it's only half the price of a twin room. Price of drinks is also down because theirs only yours. No need to board the dogs twice then either.

I’d talk to SIL and say the surprise needs to be blown - your DB is an adult he doesn’t need a surprise party. Just ask her to tell him and arrange to do the weekend away later in Feb when things are a little quieter

Your dd is 1 - she can have a party any time (she is clueless). And you can do a little celebration with your parents that weekend.

This way - dd gets a party devoted to her, your db doesn’t wonder why no one wants to go on his weekend away, and your dogs are only kennelled for one weekend at a stretch.

Yes, I agree with @MonopolyQueen - tell your SIL what the problem is.

Go to whichever of the two celebrations you have already invested the £400 on. Excuse yourselves for the other one citing (the truth) husband's health.

Alternatively, attend the second one solo, leaving husband, toddler and dogs at home.

This is the trouble with surprise parties.
The receiver can feel a bit rubbish in the run up thinking noone wants to celebrate

Would you sil be willing to share with db that you are meeting with them on that weekend but not give the full surprise away?

Can you not approach SIL to get her on board with trying to get DB to squash the birthday weekend idea? It feels like she’s your best bet to help with this if you don’t want to / can’t do both weekends

Your SIL needs to sort this out - it’s her problem as she’s decided to organise a surprise party. No way would I do two events in a row if I wasn’t really keen.

I would be extremely reluctant to put my dogs into kennels 2 weekends on the trot. It really isn’t fair on them, they are after all - family. That, and your DH’s health issues and your daughter is 1, it’s all too much.