What’s it like being in a long term relationship?

[MJconfessions]

I’m in my 20s and last dated a couple of years ago, where it would have been normal for someone my age to date casually. I say that because the older I get, I feel like there’s more pressure to settle down but I absolutely don’t feel ready for that yet! I don’t feel ready to date in general.

I guess I’m curious as I don’t have a point of reference…for those of you who were in a relationship in your early 20s and onwards, how does it change? Like when you move past the initial obsession with each other and getting to know each other. How do things change when the relationship essentially becomes everyday/business as usual? Is it still exciting etc

I’ve had two relationships

one for 3 years 3 months 2012-2015, I am now on and off with my daughters dad 2020-present.

it’s okay if you find the right one neither of these have been but I love the comfort it can bring sometimes the cuddles the closeness. Everything else I can bring myself as I work and I run my own home with our 3 year old.

if things happen that damage you it’ll be real hard to repair or impossible and worthless.

I can’t say I’ve ever had a positive relationship long term so another poster will give you a positive outlook

Been with dh since I was 19, he was 23. We are in our 40s now and have 2 kids.

There's ups and downs for sure - the downs can be tough to get through sometimes but having the same basic values helps of that makes sense?

I would say that it all changes because I'm a different person now to what I was when we met but so is he. We are best friends and sometimes it's weird because we are the only ones of our friends who have been together as long so we have a lot of shared memories that other couples around us don't have and for example he's known my friends and I've known his Longner than they've known their partners so we feel more integrated in each others lives if that makes sense? I don't think I'm explaining it well

Obviously the initial passion fades but other stuff takes over like the joy in seeing them become a parent and watching your kids grow up efc.

Our kids are 18&14 now and I think the next stage of life after raising kids might be hard but maybe we will find each other again a bit more than we have been able to 'in the trenches'

Ahhh okay, really sorry to hear that.

I hope you are okay.

I guess my only thought is, when did you realise these guys weren’t right for you? Like was it the honeymoon period ending where they seemed different to before etc. Totally appreciate if you don’t reply though! X

I was married for 27 yrs when my husband died. He was my safe place. He gave me confidence. As long as I had him, I could cope with anything.

How long is a piece of string

@thaegumathteth you explained that really well actually - thank you.

I suppose what you’re saying is the initial novelty and obsession wears off and is replaced by other things that give you joy like life progression together and the children etc. That’s really nice and shows you becoming a family.

Whereas I guess I’m still stuck in that headspace of the initial passion and wanting independence as opposed to enmeshed lives. I’m still approaching dating like I’m 19 I suppose 😂

I’m so sorry for your loss

The exciting days are great and I do miss them a lot but what we have now is amazing.
We started dating when I was 24 and I'm now 34. We're married and have 2 children.

He's my best friend and biggest ally. I feel so safe when I'm with him and even though we're not anywhere like we were in the beginning, I still get butterflies when I hear his key in the door.
He's an incredibly hands on dad and a fantastic husband. I'm so glad I didn't settle for any of the absolute losers I'd dated before.

It just is.
He is my full stop.
Whatever the future holds he's my constant.
I see us being old, I see us bickering and laughing with grey hair.

Some may say it's complicated and hard to describe but I disagree.
It just is what it is.

I've been with partner 17 years. My life is better with him in it. We're a team and the sum of the parts is greater than the whole.
We both have our individual goals as well as in a couple and are each other's greatest supporter. I trust him to support me and to always have my best interests at heart.

May I butt in here?

Prior to going out wth my husband, I went out with my uni boyfriend for more than 3 yrs. I didn't realise it at the time, but there were many signs that he wasn't the one.

I'll not go into it all, but I recall his expression of surprise that my hometown (a coalmining town) was "so clean". When he visited my parents' home for the weekend, he spoke not one word to them - went completely mute. (I now reckon he was possibly neurodivergent - as am I.)

When he found out my middle name, he told me that he thought it "common". He avoided introducing me to one of his friends because they wouldn't approve of me being half-foreign...

One Easter, he turned up at my flat with a box of chocolates. "My mum told me to be romantic and buy you an Easter Egg, but you're supposed to be on a diet. Here's some chocolates that a visitor brought to the house."

He told me that his "dream" was for us each to have our own flat in the same city.

One day, a work colleague referred to my "fiancé".

"Oh, we're not engaged..."

"What?! How long have you been going out?"

"Three years."

"Three years? And he's not proposed? What's wrong with him?"

I married my colleague.

Thank you.

This, from Far From the Madding Crowd, sums it up for me - when Gabriel Oak is trying to persuade Bathsheba to marry him:

"At home by the fire, whenever I look up, there you will be. And whenever you look up, there I shall be."

I've been married twice.

Therefore I can safety tell you that marriage is both the worst, and best.

why are you feeling pressure to “settle down” (hate that phrase) in your 20s?! I know some people meet someone in their 20s that they end up with long term and are happy, but many others don’t and that isn’t abnormal. Nothing wrong with still dating like you’re 19. I was growing hugely as a person between 20-30 and crashing through life trying different things, I wouldn’t have wanted a long term relationship because it was a period of so much change for me and I was very single minded about pursuing what I wanted from life.

By 32 I’d never had a relationship longer than a year and I’m VERY glad I’m not still with either of those people. I met my current partner at 33 and it’s been nearly 3 years and I can see it being long term. It feels safer and easier than any other person I’ve dated, it just fits effortlessly into my life. We have the same humour, values and ambitions in life and a massive part of why it works is that we both value our independence so I still solo travel a lot, we make time for our friends individually and don’t live in each other’s pockets (well, we kind of do as we live together in my tiny flat!) What makes a relationship work for one person won’t be the same as someone’s else’s “perfect” relationship.

I've been with my partner 27 years.
The first few years were wildly passionate and fun but also complicated and sometimes painful. As the years have gone on, the wild passion has faded as we've had kids, family difficulties, grief etc. Just life really. Through everything, he's been my rock, my best friend (although I have my actual proper best friend who is also irreplaceable) and although we've both changed, our core values still remain. I think this is so important.
It's has often been difficult, we are both far from perfect and bicker and irritate each other. In the early days, we used to have big rows and make ups but it was unsustainable in the long term so managed to find other ways to deal with problems.
We are both very independent and have lives beyond being a couple which is really significant.
We also have a total blast when we go out together, we still have loads of fun and great sex, (if not very often, or quite like the early days).
I like him enormously as well as loving him and that is the most important thing and the thing that has kept us together through the tough times. He is kind and generous which means a lot to me.
Much as I adore my kids, I look forward to spending more time with him in the future when they have left home in a few years.
I kissed many, many frogs and although he's no prince. It seems to work for us.
Long term relationships take work and commitment but it is worth it.

I met DH when we were 21/22. We have now been together 23 years. I think the crazy passionate bit lasted a few months. DH isn’t a very intense person- he’s very calm and level headed and doesn’t do drama. We are both low maintenance- a movie and a takeaway for a birthday is fine.
We have many common shared values including about our work, our children, where we see ourselves. We knew very very early on we wanted to be together as we saw these commonalities. We have travelled the world both before and after kids.
Time has revealed differences (and there are things we have both adjusted to) but those differences have never been big enough to snowball into issues.
DH is kind, funny, reliable and an utterly equal partner and a parent.

It’s hard to answer this question, as we met when we were young, decided quite early on that we wanted this to be long term/permanent, spent a few years pursuing PhDs etc, got married and settled down where we live now.

You said you don't feel ready to date in general. I think that's what you should be listening to.

I used to feel pressure to find a partner because society/my parents had taught me that's what my role in life was. Ended up trying to make bad relationships work because I was forcing it as I didn't understand. People always say relationships take work and I took it too literally. They take effort like learning what your partner likes, thinking up date ideas, summoning energy when you are tired to support an upset partner who needs you etc. It doesn't mean work on changing yourself into what your partner wants or use up energy trying kit to upset them/trigger a bad mood.

Films, tv, social média. All not accurate representation of real/good relationships. WHEN YOU FEEL READY you want a relationship that feels good for you. No one else is like you or your future partner so there is no answer we can give to clear up all your questions. Oh and porn is not normal sex either. Probably a good idea to decide your stance on if you mind a partner watching it or not before getting into a relationship. Personally I won't be in a relationship with someone who watches porn.

Know your boundaries and value. Know what emotional abuse, coercive control and financial abuse are.

You are still vary young but I nderstand the financial protection/implications of being married so you can make an informed choice on if it's important to you before/if you want kids. Make sure you discuss how you want to raise kids before having them. Discuss if you will be religious. Discuss your future goals do they align?

More and more women are choosing to stay single and/or have less/no children. This is an option. Dating men or women or both is an option. Late blooming lesbians are a thing, if you don't know how it should feel to have relationship with a guy is there a reason?

You can and should be financially independent regardless of if you have a relationship this is important for your own protection, but also makes you vulnerable to a type of man who takes advantage.

Choose someone who sees housework as a joint task. If he does chores it's because he's taking care of his home not to "help" the woman in his house.

Oh also. I can't speak from experience as not old enough but someone who had been married 50+ years told me that if you love the person not the idea of a relationship you still love spending time with them and get excited about it years later. All that changes is your body.

I thought that was beautiful

I've been with my husband since I was 16 and I'm now 31.

I guess our honeymoon period was a bit different as we were so young, so probably irrelevant here!

What I would say is I feel like I could handle anything life throws at me with him there, we'd still have each other and we'd go through it all together.

I always thought that line was the perfect encapsulation of marital boredom, and that Bathsheba was just 'settling' because she was exhausted after several turbulent years, but would probably go on to have affairs.