I shouted horribly at my 4yo

[CB2611]

My 4yo DD was being naughty this morning and I completely overreacted and shouted at her so loud and horribly. I'm so ashamed. I apologised immediately and cuddled her and the rest of the day was fine.
She woke up from her sleep this evening sobbing but she couldn't tell me why she was sad. I know she was sad because of me. I'm devastated. How can I fix this? I'm crying my eyes out as I write this. I feel like the shittest mum. A good mum wouldn't make her daughter sad.

You don’t know that your assuming it she didn’t tell you why. You apologised and gave her attentive cuddles and love so what you do from here is make sure it never happens again

A bad mum wouldn't care how she made her daughter feel.

We all have our moments Op, don't beat yourself up. Just repair with her tomorrow with plenty of cuddles and play time and tell your girl that you are sorry for reacting like that or scaring her. Explain that sometimes even mummy can make mistakes and that you of course love her very much.

I grew up with a mum who could never apologise or admit she was wrong and it was worse than anything she ever did or said to me (which is saying something).

You need to be kinder to yourself. You can't be a perfect mother. She's four. You will make other mistakes. Give yourself some grace.

So long as the overall feeling of the house, the home, your relationship and her childhood is one of safety and respect and love, the occasional shout and frayed temper isn't really anything to worry about. We all shout sometimes and it's not ideal but it happens. You apologise, talk about it if you need to, and then move on. Sitting there crying and the like is only going to make the atmosphere worse.

Thank you all for your comments. I needed them! I will do better and refrain from shouting like that in future. It didn't do anything to change her behaviour, it just made us both feel bad.

It's so important that you move on. You apologised at the time,it's been dealt with. As long as it isn't a pattern of behaviour then dwelling on it will do more harm than good. Children learn about managing emotions by watching those around them. You lost your cool but then apologised and admitted you were wrong. Next time you will maybe model a better strategy for coping with the situation but we are human. This is totally different from an abusive parent who would feel the child deserved it and felt their outburst was justified appropriate.

We've all lost it occasionally. Don't beat yourself up. I'm 50 and ny mum still feels awful about a few occasions she shouted at me as a toddler. I have absolutely no memory of it, and she's been the most wonderful mother to me. How you are in general outweighs one or two occasions where you lost your temper.

Worth looking at the trigger for it as well (I speak from experience, no judgement at all) - for example were you particularly stressed? Can you come up with a plan next time you feel like that to do something which de-stresses you while you look after her (for example I enjoy swimming with them, or getting out of the house & going to Starbucks or for a walk in a nature reserve, or just putting tv on and snuggling while you scroll your phone. Or reading aloud can be quite regulating) - I call it my “Arrrgghhh” plan. Or if there is behaviour that feels particularly difficult for you to deal with for some reason can you put gentle but firm boundaries down around the behaviour so it’s less likely to happen again? This might feel a bit unfair - focussing on something thats important for you to stop rather than important for her to stop for herself - but I think it’s better for a child than being shouted at. Sometimes it’s about realising we are humans too and need to looknafter ourselves.