Children and emotionally abusive ex - Advice please

[LavenderLime]

Husband and I have recently separated after I discovered he was having an affair.
For years things weren’t quite right in the marriage - long story short he was emotionally abusive (never physical).
Now he’s gone I feel like I can finally breathe and looking back I realise just how abusive his behaviour was at times. It started off so subtly and slowly got worse over the years.
I’m ashamed to talk to anyone about it. He’s also a police officer so I question whether anyone will believe me.
After the affair was discovered, he has moved straight out of our house and in with his affair partner leaving me with our 3 young children.

He’s recently started having the children overnight at the house he shares with her and given how he was with me I’m really worried for our children that he will start to emotionally abuse / manipulate them as I now see he uses it as a form of control.
They are sometimes tearful before they go, want to know when I’m coming back to get them and seem to find the whole situation very confusing. I hate sending them and feel like I’m failing them as he seems to have utter control of the situation.
He’s pushing to have them more and more nights and won’t listen to my concerns.

Has anyone been in this position before? Can I refuse to send them? I’m completely lost and even though he’s no longer living with me I find him very intimidating and am in a constant state of worry.

First, it's normal for all children regardless of how well or badly they are treated to become teary and even behave poorly before and after contact. It is a big change for them, they are confused, possibly feel guilty over loyalty to each parent etc

Transition activities help for this, I used to run DD a bubble bath regardless of time of day that she returned, then a nice massage as she was younger, cosy clothes, warm drink, biscuit and a book and kept this the same every single time. It helped her transition from one house, one parent, one set of rules to another.

Secondly, you shouldn't stop him from seeing them, you have no evidence of abuse and even so physically abusive men get contact so emotional abuse won't stop him. What you can do is limit it to what benefits the children, so one evening after school and EOW to start with. He may well use emotional abuse on them, there's not too much you can do about that other than counteract it at home. Or, he might be a better dad as he gets more of a break in the week so steps up.

Logistics,

• Children often find it easier to be picked up from a third party like school so they aren't leaving you.

Only send them in clothes that aren't important to you, cheap ones from Primark are perfect so that you don't get annoyed when he inevitably keeps them.

• Talk only through parenting apps, realistically he isn't going to listen to any of your concerns and act on them so communicate minimal information such as illness and any medication they are on - this may improve in time but for the first year or so keep it minimal.
• Money - don't bother trying to sort it out independently, go straight through CMS and go for the middle option, a one off small admin fee means they review his earnings every year and send the payment schedule, he sets up a standing order. Having that middle 'man' is worth it's weight in gold.

A book called 'how to annihilate a narcissist I. The family court' is helpful

@HPandthelastwish thank you for your advice. It’s so hard as I now realise the depth of what he’s done to me, I am worried for the children. They need a relationship with their Dad but at the same time I feel like i’m failing them when they’re so reluctant to go and I know what he’s capable of.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum i will order that and have a read - thank you.