I don’t know if I can manage having children.

[FishOnTheTrain]

Emetophobe here. Had it all my life. I am early 30s and can’t think of a day that’s gone by in my entire life that I haven’t feared this. It’s horrid.

Ive seen many therapists over the years, read books and although I’m able to function day to day, and certainly not as bad as I was when I was younger, I don’t know if I can cope with having a baby.

I love and adore babies and I could see myself being a mum. I would like to go through birth and bringing up a little one. My friends are starting their families now too. However, my fear is holding me back. Not because of the morning sickness, or the baby sick or anything like that. It’s more the contagious stomach bugs that toddlers bring home from nursery and schools. I just couldn’t deal with that.

The only thing that’s giving me hope is that they are developing a norovirus vaccine. I think if I could have that now, I’d have a baby tomorrow!

i don’t want to miss out on having a baby or being a mum because of this stupid phobia. But I also know that once you have kids, it’s a commitment for life and I would want to be the best mum possible. I don’t think I can be if I’m constantly fretting about them picking up a tummy bug. I feel like I’d be a terrible parent in that case.

not sure what I want from this post. I’m just sad.

My son is 3 and has only had 1 stomach bug so far in his life. It lasted 6 hours and then he was perfect. We also didn't catch it.

Agree, can count on one hand the amount of times we’ve been sick, with 3 kids over the last decade.

Hi! Fellow emetophobe here.

I’m mid 30s and have been like this since I was about 10. Have had countless private and NHS therapists, tried citalopram and venlafaxine, and have had hypnotherapy. Still very much emetophobic!

In the 3 years I’ve had my DC I’ve had to confront my fears in a way I’ve never had to before. I had awful nausea with morning sickness (but luckily never actually was sick because I took antiemetics) so had to learn to cope with that, had a baby with awful reflux so lots of baby sick everyday (this didn’t bother me) and now have a 3 year old who has had one bug this winter and one last winter.

The first bug I was a complete state - back to back panic attacks. I didn’t catch it though. The second bug was last week and I was much calmer. Again, I didn’t catch it.

Seperately, I had a bug when he was a baby. I continued to breastfeed him during the bug (he didn’t catch it) and I was dehydrated and felt shit but it did come to an end and I did cope.

I wash his hands coming home from playgroup and playgrounds etc , I get anxious hearing there’s a bug at playgroup … and I am more “alert” than I was pre kids. But I do think that I will get better being exposed to his bugs over the years.

Ive had three years of his company and only about 3 days involving vomiting. He’s been worth it !

I have a fear of being sick and seeing other people being sick or gagging, but with my kids I would literally let them throw up in my hands and although it's gross, it didn't freak me out or make me feel sick. Kids do get sick, I won't sugar coat that, but I think in years to come you may regret not going for it and having one just for this reason x

I completely understand your phobia. But when you are a mum, and have a sick vomiting child, you jump into mumma bear protection mode and get through it surprisingly easily. It's the fear of it happening, that's worse than when it actually does... because when it does, you just want to care for your sick child and do anything to make them feel better...
You must be in a really difficult position when this phobia is dictating whether you decide to become a mum or not. I think only you can make that choice. But I would ask, if you were to look back in 10+ years time, would giving up your chance of being a mum leave your with more regret, than the temporary difficulty of looking after a sick child or being sick when they bring home bugs etc? Sickness is short fleeting moments in life. Where as a decision whether to be a parent or not, is a lifelong decision. But also on the flip side if you do decide to have a child, are you able to gain some kind of control on your phobia moving forward that it doesn't impact your child? As parents, we often have to do the difficult internal work on ourselves for the best interests of our children, and that means managing your phobia enough that it doesn't hinder them as they grow up... Meaning, your behaviours with your phobia could cause them to have the same phobia or could trigger anxiety or OCD due to having to alter their behaviour or activity due to your fears. Your phobia is very real to you, but it's irrational to most people and it isn't fair to impact a child's upbringing because you struggle with it. I mean that in the kindest possible way. I think we humans we have the power to overcome most difficulties in life, and having a child means there will be long term work internally in overcoming your personal struggles with your phobia, but it's very possible even if you can't see that now....

There’s been a lot of vomit in this house since pregnancy and having a child. I had morning sickness until about 20 weeks pregnant. I projectile vomited throughout labour. My child had reflux. They have brought a stomach bug home and given it to me. My digestive system also seems to be more sensitive since having a baby.

I didn’t have emetophobia but having kids is like immersion therapy, throwing up now is nowhere near as bad as it was pre-pregnancy. When I was pregnant, throwing up actually gave me about 10 minutes of relief from nausea. During labour I couldn’t care less, I knew it was happening but it didn’t really register as needing to worry about. The reflux was hard, especially when I was trying to breastfeed because I was working so hard to get my milk supply up and it was just coming back up. But it’s not real vomit, it’s just gross smelling milk. I needed to change my top a lot and we needed a lot of muslins and towels but is passed. When a stomach bug is brought home, you’re taking care of your child, you end up exhausted and if you catch it, you don’t really have time to be worried about it because your kid is usually back to normal and you need to parent them whilst throwing up. You just enter survival mode. It’s not pleasant but it’s only temporary.

But I also know that once you have kids, it’s a commitment for life and I would want to be the best mum possible.

That doesn’t mean you have to do absolutely everything. That actually means recognising what your strengths are and when you dip into an area that is not to your strength, you might need to step back for a bit to recharge. So if your kid brings a stomach bug home, you catch it and deal with most of it because you’re there and your partner’s hours are unpredictable, then you get on with it because there is no other choice. After, you’ll probably feel drained and so you’ll need to just do something to recharge and that might be not being a mum for a bit.

OP the article I read on the norovirus vaccine said it was at least 5 years away, and I assume it'll likely be like the flu jab in that it won't be any guarantee. I wouldn't base that on your decision at all given your age.

It does seem such a shame to lose out on something so big that you do want, but I understand how crippling anxiety can be.

My mum had emetophobia. She was always able to cope with me being sick but I wasn't actually a very sicky baby. She couldn't handle adults being sick but never any issues with me.

My 5 year old has only ever had one stomach bug and was only sick about 3 times if that! As a PP said, your own kids sick isn’t as gross as other people’s

Don’t let it put you off OP . I was an emetophobe too. Managed to get through pregnancy without being sick . When DS did catch the dreaded Noro I just had to deal with it and it wasn’t so bad . I was an annoying Mum though as DS got travel sickness so I was always asking him if he was alright on car journeys which annoyed him but hopefully hasn’t had long lasting effects on his psyche!

Unfortunately, for the sake of balance, one of my kids throws up whenever he gets a cold. It’s gross.

I've had Emetophobia all my adult life, I'm now late 40s. It's never going to be easy having kids with this phobia but you learn ways to cope.

I am so much better now than I was, partly through exposure. DC are now 20 & 15 and have only ever been sick a handful of times in their lives. I have never caught anything from them. DH is fantastic and when they were younger on the few occasions it happened he was happy to deal and I would deal with upset tummies etc as he wasn't keen. Also through knowledge, in my really bad times I read about transmission and how to prevent/clean. I found this article/page really useful

emetophobiahelp.org/norovirus-facts/?amp

Especially dispelling some of the mis information that you often see bandied about that can make us feel so worried such as it's airborne etc

Ultimately it's a choice you have to make but I have loved being a parent and would have deeply regretted not having kids due to this phobia.

My daughter is 5 and has had only two sickness bugs. She was randomly sick today, in the chemist, in my hands of all places! Sorry that probably doesn't help! My husband really struggles with the sick, it's the one thing he finds so hard as a dad.

@UncomfortableSilence thanks so much for sharing that, I'm not phobic but do get very anxious about stomach bugs and I found that a really interesting read, particularly that vomiting is just a by product and is not "necessary" I always thought you had to in order to "get it out your system", but I suppose that explains why some people are never sick or sick only once or twice, but doesn't necessarily mean they haven't been exposed in some way, everyone may experience nausea differently.

Another phobic one here.... firstly I've realised over the years just how common this fear is! It's kind of understandable really, let's face it it's something horribly unpleasant, why would you ever actually want to be faced with it in any capacity. But the problem is a phobia takes it to another level doesn't it and although on paper it's totally irrational it can feel debilitating at times and boy do I get that.

With the having kids thing, I knew I always wanted kids but I can't lie this was something that always crossed my mind, the possibly of morning sickness, the dealing with kids being sick (the baby sick idea never bothered me, just the real stuff that comes as they get older!) However we DID go on to have a baby, and although at times in pregnancy I felt horribly sick and once or twice I came close to actually being sick, I dealt with it. At times I dealt with it by just sitting next to my hubby just crying, but I still dealt with it. I certainly didn't feel sick in labour, although I know that can happen and I was dreading it.

My son is 8 now and he has only been sick a couple of times, not from bugs either, once from running around after eating (my fault!!) and once from antibiotics and do you know what? I hated it, it made me shake and feel awful but I dealt with it and felt like bloody super woman after!! And I realised that you definitely build up this weird immunity to your own kids sick/poo whatever, you just get on with it. I still feel horrendous about the prospect of him (or anyone else for that matter) getting sick but I manage it. It's definitely a constant battle where it's worse some times than others but it's definitely absolutely manageable and would I choose to go back in time and not kids, absolutely not. If you have a supportive partner who understands then that will go a long way.

Another emetophobe reporting for duty.

Honestly, pregnancy was awful. I was very sick through the whole thing & it definitely made my phobia even worse for a time.

Dc1 we had to deal with quite a few sick bugs early on and I struggled with them. Not with looking after dc -that’s just automatic - but I would be very very anxious about the rest of us catching them, on high alert for several days if I heard about anyone vomiting etc etc. We didn’t ever really do soft play, for example - that just felt like a risk too far.

DC2 has vomited once their entire life (they’re 11 now).

Once you get past the toddler bit they can deal with it more themselves, know to get it in the loo etc plus are much less likely to catch them so it all gets a bit easier - or has in my experience. I’ve now made it through enough sickness bugs not to feel quite so panicked as I used to.

And my dc are awesome. Please don’t let your phobia stop you from having one of the greatest experiences life can offer. The days of sickness are so minimal compared to all the other days.

What is your partner like? Are they supportive, would want to play an equal part in parenting including getting their hands dirty? This will be a huge part of your decision making as you can then tag eachother in and out in triggering situations. I would say also that you could have a perfectly fulfilled life without kids, this is coming from the other side...I never knew how hard and brutal it can be.

I'm telling you now, you won't get away without a sickness bug it's just not gonna happen, and we've had some catastrophic scenarios where you could laugh or cry in the moment you couldn't make it up but I won't repeat.

I've seen friends with existing MH issues both harden/ step up to parenting it's been hugely transformative form them and it's helped give them purpose and focus, I've also seen friends with existing MH issues (particularly those with personality disorders or difficulties maintaining relationships) really suffer from parenthood and has not been at all good for them.

Different phobia but I can’t deal with blood at all. The smell of it and seeing it makes me faint fairly rapidly. Even my own periods can make me go dizzy if I forget to hold my breath and look while changing a tampon. It’s happened so many times in my life, and also at doctors/hospitals that also seem to have that smell along with it being unbearably hot. I was really worried about having DC and being able to cope if they were injured but it’s been very manageable. I still go a bit dizzy if I see a cut on them but the overwhelming feeling of needing to help my DC completely overpowers it. Hopefully yours won’t be as bad as you fear either.

I have a 7 and an 8 year old. Both of them have had vomiting bugs only once. Never had norovirus. It's far from inevitable

You're welcome. It helps to rationalise a lot of it. It was shared on a Facebook support group I was on for a while, I wouldn't recommend those as they can be very enabling.

Maybe you'll be lucky like me. My 5 year old has never vomited in her life. My newborn on the other hand.....

I’m not emetophobic so can’t put myself quite in your shoes but I hate throwing up and go out of my way to avoid doing it.

My DC is in nursery and has never bought home a vomiting bug, she has had diarrhoea before and I managed that fine.

As poo/spit up/sick are all very milk-like in the early stages, young babies helpfully start you off on “easy” mode and you just ease into it as it gets progressively more like adult poo and sick. You will be able to cope better than you think.

I really don't like sick and it makes me anxious but if you are in that situation you simply have to get on with it! My daughter once she started nursery aged 14 months got a sickness bug every 6-8 weeks!

The number of sickness bugs a child catches really does depend on the child and I really think a lot of it is genetic disposition. There are theories that how prone someone is depends on their blood type, with O+ people more likely to catch norovirus; I think people with B type are highly unlikely to catch it and are symptomless if they do.

As you may be able to tell, I am also emetophobic and have done lots of research... I also had a lot of sickness bugs as a child (O+!), but then had none until I had my own... Who unfortunately takes after me... She caught her first at six months (which was then passed to myself and DH) and then we averaged about one a year until she started school... Which was in 2020, so we actually had a respite of nearly two years due to the extra sanitation and distancing. Unfortunately she then went through a period of catching one every five weeks for five months... She's 8 now and for the past couple of years has had maybe 2-3 a year. It is unfortunately rife in schools; I actually think it's constantly circulating at my DCs'.

However, I have now become extremely skilled at preventing spread so since she's been at school, none of the rest of us have caught them from her. Because she's been sick so much, she's also really good at knowing when she's going to be sick and uses the toilet, so no clean up needed.

I wouldn't say exposure has cured me completely and I still dread it/get a bit panicky if, for example, she says someone has been sick at school. But definitely a lot better than I was. I think about it probably more than the average person, but not on a day-to-day basis.

Oh and also my second-born thankfully is not prone. He's nearly 7 and had I think two stomach bugs, but each time only vomited once and not for nearly 3 years now. Touch wood

Fellow emetephobe here! I have a 4 year old and I’m not going to sugar coat it, having a child with this phobia is incredibly hard & it has taken away a lot from my experience of being a mum. My son is in full time nursery which does not help at all and I wish I could have had a part time job as my anxiety levels during the week (mostly at night) are unbearable, worrying about whether he will be unwell.

Yes you do jump into ‘mum mode’ when they are actually sick (thankfully touchwood we haven’t had too many episodes) but ‘mum mode’ doesn’t replace the total fear you feel inside. I manage in the moment but I am still terrified about catching it. It’s also the other inevitable illnesses they pick up they could be sick with, temperatures can make them sick, food etc. I worry if my son has a bit of a loose poo that it’s a stomach bug, or if he doesn’t want to eat much etc it sends me into a spiral!

It is sort of like exposure therapy however truthfully my emetephobia has got a lot worse since being a mum, and has also branched out into general health anxiety. That being said, being a mum is absolutely incredible and although I’m so sad that my phobia has ruined many moments of motherhood for me, it has made me a stronger person.

Pregnancy I felt sick from morning to night up until about 20ish weeks but was never actually sick. It was hard but you might not even get any nausea!

I think if you have a supportive partner and your anxiety is under control, you can definitely cope with it. As many people have said, you may get a child who is sick lots or not at all - that’s the joy of unpredictability when you have kids! X