Please tell me I’m over reacting to this

[toabsentfriends]

for background, I had a shit childhood at times with a mum with BPD who flew off the handle at the slightest thing and a dad who I was scared of, used to scream at me if I went wrong, as an adult uses blackmail to get his own way. Sister has a learning disability and also used to physically kick off when things go wrong.

I’m the opposite, I’m passive to a fault and very anxious.

I’m staying at my lovely aunty’s and her husband’s for Christmas, going home tomorrow - huge household, eight of us in total yesterday. My aunty is lovely, very chill and calm. Her husband is also really lovely, very loud and hyperactive but amazingly funny guy.

I slept in this morning, went down for breakfast to make myself ans I’ve stupidly broken something in the kitchen. It’s tiny, it’s not valuable in terms of money, can be superglued in seconds, but I’m tired, hungover, weirdly missing ‘home’ a bit, and terrified I’m going to be in trouble. I’m an adult in my 30s… I’ve apologised to my aunty and she said ‘yeah don’t worry it can be glued’ but I feel awful, it’s obviously sentimental (they collect stuff) and aaargh. Her husband is at work I think.

I’ve just been triggered a bit haven’t I, and the alcohol and the fact I’m recovering from the cold and a bit ‘overstimulated’ (I like my own company, I’ve been ‘peopling’ since 7am on the 24th) isn’t helping.

Is it OK to apologise once and leave it?

Apologise, offer to replace and if it can be replaced, replace it even if they say no. That's all you can do. She's not going to give you into trouble, you made a mistake. That's all. Take a breath and have a cuppa, you're a bit socially wrung out but it's all fine.

Have you ever heard of the concept of an emotional flashback? It’s when something happens in the present but the feelings you have about it are related to the past. Sometimes just knowing that can really help but it might also lead to other feelings.

So yes, you have been triggered and yes, it’s ok to apologise once and leave it. Be kind and gentle with yourself, also.

Ime lovely people don't have the same reaction /regard for 'stuff'.. They value people instead. I am sure your apology was enough op.

It's fine, don't think of it again. They love you far more than a trinket, don't let it ruin your day.

Also, I recommend EMDR therapy for rewiring your brain to help with your childhood trauma.

I haven’t but that makes sense yes, thank you. Sat in my bedroom and had a quick cry and now going to shower. I’m trying to ground myself by reminding myself in 33 with a job, and that it will be fine. It’s a fridge magnet from another country, so I can’t replace it unfortunately, but it’s easily glued together. Hopefully he’s OK with it, I think he will be. Thank you xx definitely socially worn out!!

Replace or repair, and have some therapy for your childhood stuff.

See if you can find one on ebay. I've done that for a couple of things broken.

I would offer to find a replacement if possible. Your aunt will probably tell you not to be so daft, but I think it would be right to offer.

I also agree with those saying to get yourself some CBT. It can make such a difference.

My wee cousin’s fixed it, thank God, whilst I was in the shower. Bless him. I’ll definitely look for some CBT in the new year, I’ve had it before but it might be time to have a bit more yes.

It sounds to me as if you need something more in-depth than CBT, if this is a set of ingrained childhood fear responses that are still ‘flooding’ you in your 30s.

If you were around manipulative and immature adults then making mistakes always always meant being emotionally disemboweled by those adults. It’s a fear response to the coming emotional attack.

Therapy yes, CBT no. CBT is inadequate for helping with complex trauma.