Friend won’t tell me what’s going on

[Purplehazely]

A close friend of mine for years has gone off the radar out of the blue, said something is going on but can’t talk about it as makes her upset. Nothing to do with me.

It’s been a few months now, I still don’t know what’s happened and I don’t know what the best thing to say is. I just text now and again to let her know I’m here and thinking of her and she responds saying thank you and that’s it, nothing else.

feeling unsure what else to say, I have no idea what’s going on and other mutual friends don’t either and they’re shocked I don’t know either due to how close we are. I don’t want to push and pry when she doesn’t want to tell me. But I feel awkward as I never know if I’m what I’m saying is right in relation to what she’s going through.

Selfishly I’m feeling a little bit upset (I won’t say this to her) as she normally tells me everything and almost questioning whether we are as close as I think as I don’t know what to do - we usually chat everyday and it’s been a few months now. I miss her too.

do I just keep doing what I’m doing? Has anyone else experienced this? I have absolutely no clue what is going on.

There is nothing you can do other than send her a card to say you're always here for her.

Mmm yes that's really odd

I'm probably in this situation although I haven't been upset in front of people, I've definitely had some things going on that I can't talk about.

Largely because telling people would massively impact someone else's privacy and it's irreversible isn't it?

Some things are way bigger than you can possibly imagine.

I don’t want to push and pry when she doesn’t want to tell me. But I feel awkward as I never know if I’m what I’m saying is right in relation to what she’s going through.

You couldn't possibly know and she knows that.

Respect her wishes and leave her alone.

Keep doing what you're doing, and remember it may be something that she wants to share but can't (family member under investigation for child abuse or something awful like that).

And also please don't discuss what you know / don't know with anyone. You're not entitled to know anything.

Ok thanks everyone will just leave it alone and continue to let her know I’m here. I also worry as she lives alone, doesn’t have family really, and not sure what support she is getting as she’s distanced herself from all her friends who she has said previous are her family. But she said she doesn’t want to talk. I’ll will leave alone, just so worried.

Hmmm if it was my best friend I would be going round her house and asking her what on earth is going on. But that is because it would be out of character for her.

But the OP’s friend has said she doesn’t want to talk about it.

What in Earth gives you that right? She doesn't have to tell anyone anything. There are some things going in in people's lives that are completely 'out of character ' but that's because we can't forsee and control the shit that goes on in our lives. As I said above, some things just can't be told, no matter how much you might demand you are informed.

Stop talking about her with other people.

While respecting her wishes, dropping her and walking away would be a mistake.

I'd send some flowers (if she likes them!) and a card - NOT saying about how this is making you feel, this isn't about you - telling her you're there for her if she wants to call, text, meetup. And leave it at that.

With what you’ve said about her cutting off friends (her self-titled family) and having no actual family to support her, I wouldn’t be leaving this one alone. She sounds very isolated and who knows what she’s got herself into?!
I’d be turning up at her house with a pizza and a bottle of wine and saying ‘ you don’t need to talk about whatever it is, but we can watch a film together and just catch up on the day to day (work etc)’.
This needs to be flushed out and her isolation needs to end.

Is she vulnerable in any way?

I would be concerned that she is being exploited/ blackmailed/ abused by someone but you say she lives alone. Does she have a significant other or family member who could be making her life difficult?