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Original poster

Family still using maiden name

29 replies

WellThisIsStupid · 26/12/2024 23:34

I totally get this seems really trivial, but my Dsis gave me a Christmas card addressed to my first name and maiden surname.

I've been married over 15 years, so this feels a bit passive aggressive?

There is NO way she forgot my married name, as she's used it a lot, and the card was hand delivered.

I know she probably disagrees with me changing my surname, as I married relatively late, but didn't want any future children to have a different surname to me (DD1 was born the next year).

I know it seemed hypocritical to her, as it means DS had a different surname to me after I married (he was an adult).

DS had my maiden name as his dad refused to be put on his BC (not that it mattered as he wouldn't have had any parental responsibility even if he was put on it).

I know it's trivial, but Dsis has always been a bit weird about DH, even trying to stop me marrying him on our wedding morning, so the card addressed to my maiden name just feels a bit weird and shocked me a bit (she has addressed it properly in the past).

OP posts:
Happyinarcon · 27/12/2024 03:37

This is probably going to turn in to a thread where every poster insists they and every woman they know kept their maiden name and live in a shoes off house and took their tree down already

StormingNorman · 27/12/2024 03:43

I think it was probably a slip up. I still think in terms of my sister’s maiden name and have to mentally correct myself every time.

FizzyBisto · 27/12/2024 03:47

Eh? Did she not give a joint card to both you and your DH - her BIL? Why just to you?

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Families
Yellowsubmarineunderthesea · 27/12/2024 03:49

I often call my various SILs by their maiden name by accident. I knew them first as their maiden name and it's just a natural thing. I've never heard them complain or comment, don't think any of them mind - I better ask I guess!

Edit - actually I called myself by my maiden name last year when asked what my name was - I'm married 37 years 🫢🫢 I hadn't done that in many many years, but it's still me deep down 😂

FearMe · 29/12/2024 10:21

I usually address the majority of my female friends and family by their maiden name as that's what I think of them as. Their married surname is just a label for public use, in my way of thinking, to serve a purpose (eg same name as your kids).
It's no big deal. I'm sure everyone around you knows you with a certain name based on when they met you. Which could be either your maiden or married name.
If you feel its some kind if veiled insult, ask her.

nickelbabe · 29/12/2024 10:22

I don't understand why you not changing your name would mean your dd would have to have a different surname from you.
You know YOU choose the baby's surname, don't you?
If you needed your dh's surname in her name, you could have doublebarrelled....

nickelbabe · 29/12/2024 10:23

Happyinarcon · 27/12/2024 03:37

This is probably going to turn in to a thread where every poster insists they and every woman they know kept their maiden name and live in a shoes off house and took their tree down already

I kept my name, live in a shoes-off house, but refuse to take my tree down early.

MILLYmo0se · 29/12/2024 10:29

I think you are over thinking this given she has used your married name, it was just a brain fart, easily done given she has known you by your original name for longer than 15 yrs. I have to think what is the surname of my BF of 30+ years when I send cards and she's been married for 18.

ElderLemon · 29/12/2024 10:33

nickelbabe · 29/12/2024 10:23

I kept my name, live in a shoes-off house, but refuse to take my tree down early.

Show quote history

I kept my name, live in a shoes on house, leave my tree up to the 6th

Fannyannie · 29/12/2024 10:35

Happyinarcon · 27/12/2024 03:37

This is probably going to turn in to a thread where every poster insists they and every woman they know kept their maiden name and live in a shoes off house and took their tree down already

Yep

fuck knows why I read Mumsnet

despairnow · 29/12/2024 10:37

Non issue. Ask her?

DarkAndTwisties · 29/12/2024 10:39

FearMe · 29/12/2024 10:21

I usually address the majority of my female friends and family by their maiden name as that's what I think of them as. Their married surname is just a label for public use, in my way of thinking, to serve a purpose (eg same name as your kids).
It's no big deal. I'm sure everyone around you knows you with a certain name based on when they met you. Which could be either your maiden or married name.
If you feel its some kind if veiled insult, ask her.

But that's not for you to decide. They have changed their name.

I think it's rude, just as I think it would be rude if someone didn't like that a woman kept her name and so insisted on addressing cards etc to "Mrs Husband's name" because "that's just how they see them" now they're married.

ExpensiveDecoration · 29/12/2024 10:41

I wish mine would. Married 25 years, never used DH's surname in any context whatsoever but every single card comes addressed to us as both having his surname.

HellofromJohnCraven · 29/12/2024 10:43

I'd pop this in the "my sister is a bit bonkers" box and replace the lid firmly.

HardenYourHeart · 29/12/2024 10:46

Happyinarcon · 27/12/2024 03:37

This is probably going to turn in to a thread where every poster insists they and every woman they know kept their maiden name and live in a shoes off house and took their tree down already

I take offense at this! Shoes off? I, sir(or madam), am at least civilized enough to wear slippers.

Furthermore, my tree will come down at January 6, promptly at midnight. What do you take me for? A savage?

Doggymummar · 29/12/2024 10:47

Does she know lots of people with the same first name that she needed a surname at all? Mine had no surnames on Clare and Pete, Tina and Barry, Smith Family when kids come along

Turophilic · 29/12/2024 10:48

My mother referred to her best friend as her first name and original surname every day of her life, despite her friend being married for 47 years.

I think of all my friends as their original names, and have to consciously remember the married surnames. It’s just how I think of them, there’s nothing pass agg or pointed about it.

I wouldn’t overthink it.

FearMe · 29/12/2024 10:50

DarkAndTwisties · 29/12/2024 10:39

But that's not for you to decide. They have changed their name.

I think it's rude, just as I think it would be rude if someone didn't like that a woman kept her name and so insisted on addressing cards etc to "Mrs Husband's name" because "that's just how they see them" now they're married.

Show quote history

Majority of people I know go by both eg work is maiden name, school Related is married name etc and they respond to both. It's not rude to call them by either name FFS. We don't live in the 1950s.

Pinkmoonshine · 29/12/2024 10:53

I still call my old friends and family by their maiden names because that’s how I think of them. If they find this offensive I really do think it says more about them than me.

DarkAndTwisties · 29/12/2024 10:57

Majority of people I know go by both eg work is maiden name, school Related is married name etc and they respond to both. It's not rude to call them by either name FFS. We don't live in the 1950s.

You didn't say you used their original name because they used both, you said it was because that's just how you saw them. Obviously if they use both you can use whichever.

I think it's rude if someone only uses one to not go with that. And that's not me being old fashioned - I think if a woman doesn't change her name, it was be very rude to insist on using her husband's name to address her.
A friend of mine changed her name because she didn't like her surname - she didn't get married, she just changed her name for some personal family reasons. I think it would be rude of me to continue to use her old name, because the way she sees it, it is no longer her name. And if someone changes their name on marriage and only uses their new name, I'd view that the same.

Pinkissmart · 29/12/2024 11:00

Why was your sister concerned about you marrying your husband?

IdaClair · 29/12/2024 11:04

It is rude to ignore your chosen name and she should respect the name that you would like to be used.

It’s really mind boggling to me that the term maiden name is still in use. It is literally asking you what name you carried when you were a virgin and implies that adulthood/maturity came with marriage to and sex with a man. Married name is also a problem as a term, as you have mentioned in your OP, many names will outlast the marriages that led to their choice, and you do not have to be married to change your name.

My bank tried to use it as a security question for my daughter recently, absolutely outrageous and completely insecure!

Birth name, or most recently chosen name are fine.

Riapia · 29/12/2024 11:19

A neighbour always referred to her DIL’s by their maiden names. She was in her eighties, I think it was common usage years ago.

Cinderellaandthesevendwarves · 29/12/2024 11:26

Did she include your DH on the address or on the card? If she didn’t I’d find that really off. But either way if it bothers you it bothers you, if you feel it goes deeper than a mistake then maybe ask her.

AgeingDoc · 29/12/2024 11:40

I have the opposite issue. I have never changed my name or used the title Mrs but we still get cards etc addressed to Mr & Mrs HisName. I generally let it go over my head though. Some people, predominantly DH's colleagues, don't realise as they don't know me that well, and others I think are just hurriedly writing cards and don't really think. I suspect one of my DH's relatives does it deliberately to try to annoy me as she disapproves of me for a variety of reasons and likes to make a point, but I just ignore that too. I have no interest in playing games with her. It is rude to deliberately get someone's name wrong of course but I can't be bothered responding to pettiness and it probably annoys her more when she doesn't get a reaction anyway!