What’s the best way I can support my friend after losing his mother?

[EachandEveryone]

It’s just so sad really. He went home for Xmas knowing she had lost a lot of weight and she died two days later. Awful terrible shock. He was so close to her we were only in town last week buying her presents from F&M and Liberty. Only the best for her😀 Anyway my friend is gay and comes from a country where he couldn’t be his true self. Only his mum knew and this made him very very private even in the UK he keeps his real self to just afew close friends. I am one of those and he lives with me. He’s arranging everything and has been on auto pilot since. Accept now it’s sinking in and he’s devastated understandably. I’m at the other end of the phone any time.

when he comes back he will take some time off work and go to the GP. My issue is that he keeps saying he wants to die to be with her. What do I say to this? His mum told him that she will be furious if he does something like that as she will always be with him. Do I just keep repeating? I’m just scared that he’s going to carry on saying it. I don’t think he would do it but how do I know? I’ve always been told that if someone tells you they want to end it then call the crisis team immediately. Can soneone advise?

To top it all I’m being treated for cancer myself and next year is going to be a big one for me as my cancer hasn’t spread but hasn’t gone or reduced either so we have to now find another treatment. God forgive me but I haven’t the headspace I need to concentrate on myself nd that includes being positive. I’m worried I’m going to be triggering for him or he will resent me for still being here. He really does help me day to day I couldn’t do it without him.

sorry it’s so long. Wishing you all a Happy and healthy new year.

Bump

Tell him you are there for him.

Yes that goes without saying.

Let him take the lead. There'll be times he wants to talk about her, others where he'll just shut down. It's so incredibly painful, exhausting, guilt, anger can all happen in one minute.

It changed me. I've not been a social being for a long time anyway, I'm even less of one now. It's nearly 2 years and it's still very painful. Recognise that there's no time limit or correct way for grief. It's really personal.

Thank you for your advice I will be led by him.

It would probably be helpful for him to have some counselling in a few months time. Grief is really physical and can mess with appetite, sleep, the whole lot. So maybe get in some of his favourite snacks. Make sure he does actually go to the GP. Tell him if you are concerned about him - point him in the direction of the Samaritans if needed. If he has a friend who has also lost a mother that can be helpful too. Look after yourself as well! You sound like a wonderful friend and dealing with someone else’s grief even when healthy, can be tricky.

Yes his best “friend” (I don’t like to ask as it’s not really acknowledge but that’s a whole other thread) lost his mum last year so I’m sure he will be over. He is on auto pilot and doesn’t want to leave his dad on his own, it’s such a sad situation but maybe if he plans properly he will be able to visit regularly.

They’ve had the funeral today and he’s reconnected with some family which is nice. I don’t know when he will come back as he has to organise his dad as the mum did everything. I don’t know what will happen going forward I guess he will have to visit the dad and teach him how to face time, mum did all of that and sorted bills out etc