I can feel myself getting really down and lost. Overwhelmed and tired. I have had a few awful months. My boyfriend ended up relapsing onto drugs and got involved with someone who basically took over his life and our relationship. I basically didn't see him for 2 months and knew he was lying left right and center. He's not the same person anymore. He's medically unwell. He has so much mess around him now. I did withdraw from the relationship and ended it as it was at a point of no return for me. I then made the mistake of getting involved with someone I've known a long time who was also coming out of a relationship. He did a disappearing act after a few times together. I get it before people point this out. You don't rebound or get involved with others. You learn to be alone for a while. I get it. I'm over that anyway. It didn't bother me for more than 3 or 4 days.
Work is driving me crazy. I took on a part time job of seven hour days 4 times a week whilst my kids are primary age. I start at 7 am and get home for 2.45 in the afternoons. My boss has been messaging constantly pestering over the Christmas period. I'm already doing 5 shifts in a row over new year instead of 3 in a row. But she has asked me to work Christmas day which I said no. Then she woke me up at 5am asking if I'd do a shift today. My kids are here and I have planned my Christmas around my rota. So it's a no. But I have been unable to turn off my brain for my 2 days off and I've felt irritable snappy and Overwhelmed.
I'm not one to complain about being tired. I'm usually OK. But I'm tired. My body won't stay asleep past 5am. My sons up by half 6. I can't ever lie in. The tiredness has really caught up with me and it's awful.
I've woken up this morning. I feel so Overwhelmed. I need to tidy up after yesterday. I need to take my mums birthday cards round. I want to be with my kids but they will go back to their dad's later as I have work for the next 3 days. Although I will see them after work. I feel like there's so much to do and the worst part about it is I feel sad 24/7. Its mild. But it feels like abit of depression. It's not like me. But it's there all the time. I'm always worried about work and how people truly feel about me. I'm always worried about being alone forever. I'm always worried how ill afford to survive one day because life is so expensive. I am renting. I feel vulnerable and like I have no real security.
Also why is it whenever I think I'm safe talking to a male at work etc they always always try push it into another category. One of my colleagues has been with his partner 15 years. Because of this I thought he was perfectly mature and safe to be friends with. I told him about the first paragraph in this post and now he's testing the waters. I cannot cope with it. I just can't stand people at the moment. I just want to scream!