Middle aged child living at home

[Christmas737347]

This is long term, no partner, no independent social life, completely intolerant of others, do work with difficulties dealing with colleagues. Female - I posted a while ago after the fiasco of last Christmas and a lot of people assumed it was a man. Have name changed as I don’t want to make anyone identifiable.

In our 30s it seemed fine/okay. In our 40s with the impending loss of elderly PIL there is a crisis waiting to happen. I had a lot of sympathy, but no longer as they have been deeply unpleasant to grandchildren (not just our DC, from the other siblings’ families too) visiting their grandparents. There are clearly MH issues, but also a lot of malice that is just unnecessary.

DH has been pathetic in dealing with this. Won’t set boundaries, sticks his head in the sand, gets angry with us because their sibling has had a go at DC and forces visits that are uncomfortable for everyone. Fairly close to divorce and this is a major factor.

GC all behave well at GPs house and I am careful ours do not set off triggers, but SIL always finds something new to get hugely upset about. Other siblings clearly have a problem with the situation. Feel sorry for PIL as they are being isolated and have minimal contact with GC. But they have also let this situation slide and get worse.

Cathartic to write it down. It was not a fun Christmas for anyone….

That sounds so hard. Is she having any help with her mental health problems or is it all swept under the carpet?

WRT your DC, I think you probably just need to prepare them before visits by reminding them that she isn't well and can say horrible things sometimes but their GPs love spending time with them. Then try and minimise visits there but have your PILs visit you or have days out. Is Christmas always at theirs to accomodate SIL?

Thank you @JaninaDuszejko

Completely swept under the carpet with no help at all, which has ultimately been cruel to SIL even if it came from a place of kindness. The elderly PIL constantly try to placate her.

Unfortunately my husband also takes this approach and it has made it impossible and so difficult for the GC. I have spoken to ours so they understand this is not their fault and to be as considerate as possible.

Have tried days out, but SIL always goes with PIL and is unhappy or causes significant drama.

Christmas always there to accommodate SIL, but I am not putting children (or me!) through this again.

I think it's easy to let the difficult person control everyone in these situations. Worth finding ways to minimise this. Invite GPs out for the day with GC as often as possible. Get all GC together at your house and invite GPs. If the difficult one kicks up a fuss ignore it. Just wander off.

The impending loss of PIL will cause a crisis but you do not necessarily need to be involved.

We had similar.

Cut down on seeing PILs massively.

Didn't stay over at theirs - "so sorry the children want home comforts".

Organised activities to bookend Christmas etc - so my parents were obliging and we'd have to leave early as we need to get off and see my parents.

If your dh won't see it it is more difficult.

We did see them but in public and for short times and just accepted it was going to be unpleasant. A few hours at a national trust place etc is better than a couple of days staying with them,

I'm sorry. It's very difficult, especially when you worry your children might get hurt.

Thanks @WinterFoxes We have tried this, but SIL is very malicious. She is somehow in complete control. I have tried to stand up to her, but the ensuing meltdown was difficult and my husband did not have my back. I have a husband problem for sure.

Thank you @Octavia64 This really is where we are headed. I did and still do have sympathy for SIL, but the situation is very unpleasant and I am not going to stand by and pretend nothing happens while it harms the next generation. Furious with DH as if he faced up to it we could have probably helped. Now the situation has slipped into this bizarre and damaging sham and DC have been hurt.

I have a similar SIL OP. They've done her a massive disservice by not getting her help and made a rod for their own backs.
Sadly it has affected how often my dc want to see their grandparents and PIL have realized it this Christmas.

Eldest dd came home from uni and didn't pop round like usual as she didn't want to deal with SIL. PIL were surprised when they found out she had already been home for a week.
( Dh used to swim competitively and had his PBs in a book. DD1 also swam and she used to try to beat his PBs. MIL came along to a competition once, and SIL had to tag along too. She then kicked up a fuss about the spectators area being too hot and made MIL go and buy her a drink as DD was swimming. She misses her beating the best ever PB dh had ((a massive deal as she's so competitive)). DD was hugely hurt.

I refuse to host them from Christmas, as they three of them come as a package deal and SIL will expect me to cook and serve her all day and not say a word to me.