Why does my boss keep touching me? Is it a hospitality industry thing?

[Beautifulbouquet]

Firstly I've just got in from work (waitress) in case anyone asks why I'm posting this on Xmas day.

Today my boss has told me I look beautiful, lightly massaged my neck briefly whilst saying "you were amazing today", put his hands on either side of my waist when I had my back to him for no reason then apologised, rubbed past me whilst I had my back to him when there was plenty of room and again apologised.

I'm 15 years older than him. He is quite touchy feely in general. He has told me he's attracted to older women but I don't in general sense he's attracted to me...I'm just not sure if he's trying to bond and I'm a bit formal?

I'm New to the hospitality industry...is this all normal? I don't feel upset by it but I've only been there three weeks and it is escalating and I find it a bit odd all in all. In an office environment this wouldn't be normal.

I can be a bit formal...is it an attempt to bond?

He also asked me to take a selfie with him today and didn't ask anyone else (that I saw).

I guess the issue is I'm.not currently offended but if it went further then it really isn't appropriate and I'm not sure what if anything he is trying to communicate?

Grateful for any insights

I don’t understand why you’re so keen to excuse him, unless you are still processing this?

Sexual harassment and assault may or may not be about attraction. It is always about power though.

I think it's more that OP is sense checking. Often people rely on an element of surprise to get away with inappropriateness and that element of surprise can cloud your thinking.

You are making the mistake of thinking because you are older than him somehow he couldn't be sexually interested in you. In my experience men are always up for sex and 47 is pretty young it's not as if you are 87. I would find this gross and vomitous. If you don't like it I would suggest trying to nip it in the bud. He is likely testing your boundaries so let him know where they are.

https://www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

It's sexual assault OP

He’s trying to soften you up for a knee trembler in the broom cupboard.

Thanks. I'd say today was the first day it really escalated.

Before that it was more "you look really nice today" then later to others in front of me "doesn't (my name) look really nice today?" That seemed more supportive than creepy.

Though reading that back I think I just proved your point!

I think the fact he is the same with men as well might mean that is how he is. That does not mean it is ok. Seems like overfamiliar.

The thing is that it is making you uncomfortable. If someone was touching me however innocent and it did not feel right I would say. Think sometimes women can feel awkward raising in case branded uptight etc.

It's sexual harassment and it will escalate. HR, now.

This guy needs to be sacked! Completely inappropriate behaviour for any workplace.

Well at least he’s an equal opportunities creepy fucker if he does it to the male staff as well. Not trying to blame you OP but surely at 47 you’ve seen or even previously experienced low level sexual harassment from male bosses who use their seniority to intimidate their victims? One of the advantages of getting older is seeing these creeps for what they are and calling them out on their behaviour. These type of jobs are usually easy to get, people move around a lot so look for another job right now. I worked for a few years as a manager in a big catering operation with more than 50 staff and I never felt the need to fondle my staff or whisper creepy shit in their ears ( male or female) and we were a friendly bunch who socialised outside work so I get the sense of camaraderie that these type of jobs create.

Yuck. I'd be slapping his hands away, making my insistence that he doesn't touch me very clear and recording every incident in a notebook.

Sounds like he's been testing your boundaries. He's found he can push it and just gone for it. Totally unacceptable and inappropriate behaviour. It could be a power thing, a sex thing or both. Either way you report him as per company policy.

I think OP fancies him and hopes he fancies her.

Good lord, that’s awful.
this kind of thing used to happen to me in the performing arts business, but I’m in another field now,
and reading about this feels shocking to me.
no one should be touching you like this. I’m sorry-
It is wildly inappropriate.

I wish I’d known back then- but now I know, so passing it on to you: you do not have to make excuses for this. You do not have to make light of it.
FFS… massaging your neck?! That is way out of line.

This is a weird thing to say. Are you drunk? 🤣

Some of this might be normal in this industry but I can't agree with that with the neck incident...that is not ok. Bottom line he shouldn't be touching you or anyone in the work place in such an intimate way. If he tries something like that again I would say something

Not necessarily sexual but also a power play, or he likes making people feel uncomfortable. Whatever his reasons, it's definitely not acceptable regardless of his or your age.

Being good looking and a nice bloke is how people get away with creepy behaviour and worse for so long.

If he's so nice then you should be able to have a chat with him and let him know you don't want him physically touching you.

He is a creep who needs to be told to stop touching colleagues

He's a creep!!

It may be normal in some workplaces but it’s an abuse of power. Tell him to stop immediately and if he doesn’t, take legal action.

Well if you're as old as you say you've led a very sheltered life love!

Thanks everyone. Unanimous.

I'm at work from mid afternoon til late today.

I've been taken on in a junior role with hints ill get a much wanted promotion after three months.

So I think ill have to manage this carefully as I don't want to risk losing the promotion. But this needs to stop.

The touches are so brief that they're over before I can really react but ill prepare some lines. I can't really change my overall behaviour to him as I'm.not flirty or even banter-y with him...5his had t been flirting or banter thats escalated it really has just been touching without any friendship or anything else being established.

I completely agree about testing boundaries. The first time he made physical contact he lightly rested his fingers on my forearm...it was completely unnecessary and unnatural and I did get the impression it was dine deliberately to gauge my reaction.

I will have to make clear this isn't welcome.

'Often people rely on an element of surprise to get away with inappropriateness and that element of surprise can cloud your thinking.'

Completely agree.

'I've been taken on in a junior role with hints I'll get a much wanted promotion after three months.'

Oh good lord. How convenient for him. I'd be getting out of there OP.