Feel guilty about my parents being alone for Christmas

[BackoffSusan]

I live overseas. I spent a week in the UK last week with my son seeing my parents and siblings, went out for Christmas lunch, lots of family activities. Then returned on the weekend to spend Christmas here with my son and husband. The trouble is I feel so guilty about not spending Christmas with my parents. They are elderly and not together and will spend Christmas day alone. They don't seem particularly bothered. My mum had 'Christmas day' today with her brother (terminally ill) and extended family. Tomorrow she plans to be in pj's and watch tv all day. I did invite her to come out to us for a few days but as her brother is ill she wanted to spend it with him. I didn't invite my dad as he's too frail really. We don't have a spare room either so if someone comes up they have to sleep on the sofa. My mum lives in a very small flat so if we stay with her it's a bit too cramped for all of us and my dad is in sheltered accommodation so he can't host either. DH family lives 4 hours drive from.my parents. We have spent Christmas in the UK before when DS was 2 but it was stressful. 2 days driving to get to the UK, then us spending a week with each family then drive back. And we cooked every dinner at inlaws. MIL can't cook. DS is autistic and anything out of routine throws him off, he's not malleable and doesn't cope well with change, inlaws don't accept the diagnosis, my parents are slightly more understanding. We were shattered at the end of the last UK christmas trip. I have 2 other siblings in the UK but they never invite my parents either.
Not sure what the point of my post is. Just often dread Christmas because there is so much pressure and focus on "being with family" and its an expectation to do so. But sometimes families are complicated and it's not so simple. Rather than enjoying tomorrow, I feel that I will spend all day feeling guilty for not prioritising being with my elderly parents even if it's not necessarily what I want to do.

Ah I feel for you because this is a tricky situation. But from what you've said it does sound like your mum is perfectly happy with her plan anyway, and I'm sure your Dad will be ok too.

There's so much pressure from advertising etc. but the reality is that many many people don't do the huge family get-togethers you see on tv.

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas OP, I hope you do have a peaceful and joyful day.

Hi op..well I've been feeling exactly the same as you I also live overseas and my elderly parents are in the uk.
Me and my dd were just over there last week to visit them for a week, I have a sibling there but he's working away over Xmas so my parents are on their own for Xmas.

I really wanted to spend Xmas with them this year but my dd wanted to spend it at home so I couldn't go, I'd like for them to come here but they can't travel as much anymore.
I've only spent one Xmas with them in 18 years, I feel so guilty and sad I've even had a cry.
It sounds awful but I don't feel any happiness for Xmas and I can't wait for tomorrow to be over because I'll be thinking of my parents on their own and it's really upsetting me.

My mum in particular would have loved us to be there and she sounded so sad when I told her we were only visiting the week before Xmas..it hard as you know op

Also I forgot to mention there is an elderly parents board (I think it's under 'other stuff') and I'm sure there will be others on there who are in a similar situation to you. x

Why is so much guilt out in one day

you can see them another time

don’t watse time feeling guilty

Tbh after a week of activities and Christmas Eve with her unwell brother, your mum is probably quite tired and looking forward to Christmas Day in her PJs watching Call the Midwife and Gavin & Stacey.

Your dad will find company in his accomm if he wants it I’m sure.

I don’t think you should feel guilty OP. Have a happy Christmas.

Don't feel guilty. You care. You are available. Families are very complicated. Sometimes the ads and the talk at Christmas gets to me as my family is also not typical.

Enjoy your day. It's sounds like they know you are there for them.

As so often on MN, I think the first post says it all.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing the same thing @pippapipps - it's so hard. I feel exactly the same way as you've described.

I felt worse whilst I was in the UK last week - Christmas is really rammed down your throat - the idea of not being alone and spending it with family, having your kids around you - it's the narrative on all the adverts, the constant bombardment of Christmas songs in shops, relentless pressure of Christmas activities (panto, nativity, meeting Santa at various places, Christmas craft workshops)- I just found it all overwhelming. It only compounded all of those feelings of guilt I had. Not to be a bah humbug but it must be so hard for people who don't celebrate Christmas or those that find it a difficult time of year.

I also think there is so much pressure to have the perfect Christmas day. In the past when we've been with family (mine or DH) I've felt like I've spent the day people pleasing and not really enjoyed it. Last year was the first Christmas alone just as a family of 3 and I really enjoyed not having any pressure, being able to do as we please, cook what we want, eat when we want, not manage other people's expectations.

I think a lot of people felt that during the covid lockdown Christmas and then felt guilty for having enjoyed a laid-back Christmas so much!

But they are fine with it, OP. Can we please stop this ridiculous narrative that everyone who is solo at Christmas is "lonely" and to be pitied? Plenty of people welcome it. They don't want a big, fussy, noisy day.