Is confidence just a personality thing or can you crush/create it through parenting?

[FaLaLaLaCake]

I've been thinking about this for a while and interested to hear other views. I have a nephew who is a bit like a bouncy ball. His parents are quite strict and he's told off a lot, but still he re-inflates, walks on high walls, goes up to random kids at playgrounds and says "Would you like to play?" and has no trouble whatsoever asking for what he wants (and occasionally making a fuss if he can't have it, but he's got a lot better at this as he's got older). I think I am a lot more easygoing with my own kids, although do have high expectations for their behaviour, and my sister is always saying how easy they are compared to DN. The older one is always polite, doesn't ask for things, would feel shy playing with kids he doesn't know and gets upset if people are cross or annoyed with him. I think this is generally a good thing and I get a lot of praise for my kids' good behaviour, but I worry that the older one (he's 6) might have confidence issues as he gets older. But then it seems largely to me to be down to personality and having too much confidence is also not necessarily good, so I'm not sure there's much I can do about it or should do about it anyway.

People have an innate level of confidence. It can take a lot of encouragement to bolster it. Unfortunately it can also be crushed easily (not my parents, an A-level teacher and it took a lot of work with a tutor to undo the damage that the teacher was doing with relentless harsh criticism- I didn't have an issue with the constructive criticism from any other teacher)

Resilience also varies. Confident to the point of arrogance isn't a virtue, and some children do need reining in so that their confidence doesn't dominate over others to their detriment. Sometimes time and maturing helps with that. How you rein them in matters; being relentlessly negative isn't good for healthy self-esteem, but children do need boundaries to learn socially normal behaviour.
It is tiring having a child that needs a lot of reminders about how to behave appropriately, they tend to be fairly resiliant types though!

I have to be much more blunt with one of my children and more diplomatic with the other.

I think everyone has different personalities. Some very confident people are actually the opposite and may suffer with insecurities. Likewise, some seemingly shy types are quietly confident and secure in themselves.
Being able to see why a child behaves the way they do is key. As a parent you should support your child, but not push them to be more confident, or try to stop them if they appear over confident (unless it's potentially dangerous e.g. talking to adult strangers). A gentle nudge or quiet warning to pull back is ok though. You know your own child, support and encourage them to be themselves

I believe confidence is a little nature but mostly nurture, especially if we don't conflate confidence with just generally being the loudest. Yes there's an element of introversion vs extroversion which is likely built in, but if by confident you mean being secure, I think environment is a huge part of that. It's something we've really had to think hard about with our son who has ADHD, neurodiversity can lead to a child being told off more, told they are "wrong", constantly trying to fit in which has a huge impact on their self esteem and thus confidence, as such we need to be mindful of how we parent him and manage his quirks.

It's also interesting of course we know men tend to be a more confident sex, and I suspect growing up in patriarchy has a big influence on that!

DS - 5 - is the most bloody confident person in the world. I absolutely am not. It's personality, and also (I don't like saying or thinking it) but how his looks impact him. He's (objectively speaking 😂) adorable, always has been, and has never been rejected or even got an odd look when approaching a stranger for a chat. Always gets ooohed and ahhhed over, routinely makes friends with people who say they hate kids, etc etc.

He balances this pretty well with safety, which is good I think as he'll takes risks (for example when climbing huge things in playgrounds) but never goes beyond what he's confident on. So for instance he told me (age 3) he could climb up a massive net webbing thing, I hovered behind scared senseless but he was fine. I honestly can't remember the last time he got hurt/scratched himself on something etc. Whereas some friends will not take risks but also seem to end up hurting themselves all the time 😂

I guess parenting has an impact (though that's not my personality, as long as he's safe I let him do what he's confident doing) ~ but overall I think personality is the biggest contributor.

@LittleRedRidingHoody you're underestimating the power of love and security to give the child safety to build confidence. You don't have to be confident to raise a confident child, just loving them, treating them equally, making them feel special, is what a child needs to develop confidence. We know this because it also goes too far the other way when a child is put on a pedestal.

Well I say "just" there will be lots of other considerations, factors, interferences, but to me it's the basic building blocks and why childhood is so very important.

I think most of it comes down to personality, but you can encourage a child to eg approach other children rather than waiting to be approached, or say "It is my turn now", or make their needs and wishes known. Being quiet and well behaved is ultimately not enough in life - you also have to know what you want and be able to get it.

I think being and introvert/extrovert is part of your personality. I think confidence is different and is mostly nurture. My son is quiet in his nature and because of this was a bit overlooked at school etc and was starting to seem unconfident. He's got really good at a sport in the last few years and it is true..it really does do wonders for confidence. Finding something you're really good at does build confidence.

I hope that teachers realise how big a part they play in building confidence. Some really can't seem to cope with reserved children and constantly criticise rather than try to understand. A few really recognise that quiet kids can struggle in class.

It's a bit of both. I think everyone has their own personality they are born with but the way you are nurtured can have an influence on that.

There are different types of confidence though I think.

There is the natural confident, the loud extrovert type loves singing at karaoke, happy to approach people and perform even if they aren't naturally good at something happy yo be silly and don't mind rejection too much.

And the nurtured (often quietly) confident type, who get their confidence through high self esteem, being praised, building resilience and allowed to do risky things safely and being exposed to lots of environments so they have confidence in their body and their abilities. I'd happily do a public talk Infront of people and do things I am confident, but that level of extrovert confidence - the being silly, happy to bring attention to yourself, happy to do karaoke on a night out does not come naturally. However, had I had singing lessons and had confidence in my voice that people wouldn't laugh then I would but that comes from the resilience building as a child. So I think this type of confidence can be developed/ nurtured whereas the first is personality/nature.

I think being an introvert/extrovert, and how you like to spend your time (quietly reading a book versus partying in a room full of people) can be a basic part of your personality, but those loud/outgoing doesn't always equal confident. I think true confidence comes down to self worth and how you value yourself, and that can 100% be crushed by your upbringing or other life experiences

I think being and introvert/extrovert is part of your personality. I think confidence is different and is mostly nurture

I agree with @mewkins on this. I think people confuse extroversion and risk-taking behaviour with confidence and introversion and cautiousness with a lack of confidence.

It is possible to be quiet and cautious with an inner steel of self-esteem, and it is possible to be outgoing and boisterous whilst being a little lost underneath it all.

I think you can fake confidence, and it's a good skill to learn.

After years of feeling like I was missing out on stuff, I decided to just go for things I wanted. I can walk into a room and talk to people now. I hate it, it's horrible, but I can do it.

That's what I want to teach my kids (who sound rather like yours OP) - that it's fine to be reticent and polite, but that sometimes, if you really want something, it's good to be able to put on being brash and forward.

Personality is 30 - 60 percent genetic.

Introversion is about 50% heritable, anxiety disorders are 30 - 50% heritable.

As a shy introvert with anxiety and neurodiversity all through my family I can say that no one could have made me into a socially confident outgoing extrovert - well except maybe Mr Jack Daniels! I am happy and confident within myself - but quite sensitive and not particularly socially confident. Remember though you can have high confidence in certain areas and not be so confident in other areas.

My advice to anyone is loads of support and encouragement into anything that even vaguely interests them right from toddlerhood into adulthood. DS is 18 and doing really well, he has ASD and is definitely a shy introvert and not hugely confident - but is a fantastic programmer. That is where his confidence lies and with a lot of support and encouragement he is now doing a degree apprenticeship in it which he is really enjoying.

Why spend your life forcing yourself to do things you hate? Why would you encourage your kids to do that too?

Good question. I think it's built in. You're either confident or you're not. I'm from a big family. We all had exactly the same upbringing but I'm not as confident as my siblings.

I see the same pattern with nieces and nephews. Some are shy, some confident and some over confident. To be honest I prefer the shy ones. The confident and especially over confident ones can be a complete pain in the arse! Taking time to talk to the shy ones is always most rewarding IMHO.

So my child went to a party before Christmas and I asked the mum if it was ok if I dropped and ran as I was working that day. I picked him up and was told that he'd been "as good as gold", by the mum, who is lovely. I found out afterwards from him (at bedtime, when stuff usually comes out) that the mum had put a movie on with popcorn for all the kids, which he hadn't enjoyed because it was "scary", but he'd sat quietly and watched because he was too shy to join the group of boys who had abandoned the movie and were running around the house playing chase and getting out toys. The mum wasn't bothered by the boys doing this, but he was afraid they were being "naughty" and didn't want to be "naughty" too. My DN, on the other hand, would have been the first to start running around and asking to get out toys, even if the parent might have seen him as a pain in the arse who wouldn't sit quietly 😂.

Why spend your life forcing yourself to do things you hate? Why would you encourage your kids to do that too?

Well sometimes you can't avoid these things, I have a career I enjoy for the most part but requires some public speaking or conference mingling on occasion, those are the times you might have to suck it up even if you don't want to in order to get what you ultimately want.

@FaLaLaLaCake I'm not entirely sure how that links to your questions tbh, you can be confident and well behaved, what you describe is more of a behavioural issue.

It's more that some children won't join in fun stuff because they're worried about how they will be perceived whereas others dive straight in without any thought.

It's the ones who join in without any thought that don't get welcomed back in my house 🤣