Passive aggressive comments as 'jokes'!

[Daisyvodka]

Anyone else dreading an encounter with a relative like this over Christmas?
Got a relative who makes endless passive aggressive comments, that are then passed off as 'jokes' if you challenge/don't laugh and politely move on. If you don't laugh a few times in a row, they get mardy or tell you to cheer up.
This person has yet to understand that 'banter' absolutely depends on your existing relationship with the other person, and that it's only good if there's a good foundation and you are both in on the same 'joke'.
Except of course, they aren't jokes, they are guilt trips - you don't spend enough time with me etc. They are also not self aware enough to think 'hmm, why DOESNT this person want to spend time with me' and instead prods at it under the guise of a joke, because they would rather guilt/shame you than actually work on the relationship.
You end up looking like a grumpy fun sponge of course... and I'm someone who believes in and is good at, majority of the time, letting stuff go/grinning and bearing it for your own peace! There's just something about the way certain relatives can wind you up isn't there...

Sigh - obviously there's years of history there! Just all comes to a head when you are expected to turn up and be all holly and jolly and like everyone's a big happy family... Anyone else?

No. It got so bad we stopped going.

We used to go to my DBro and SILs but her father was there every year with this shite. He also used to start ridiculous arguments about things he knows will piss people off.

I tried the head tilt and the 'I'm sad for you' look but it was so pernicious that it ruined the day for us so we changed our Christmas habits and never regretted it.

If you've worked your ass off all year and are looking forward to some cosy family time and down time and an asshole like this starts up, it's not worth even trying.

Sympathies OP.
Dealing with the same here, with a touch of self pity for added emphasis if challenged, and also favouritism towards one grandchild over another.
I have currently escaped upstairs with my coffee and I really don't want to go back downstairs.
I am hosting yet again this year (due to having fractionally more space) and I really really want to NOT host ever again!

Ooh I forgot about the self pity, yes that in spades too.
The fact I've ended up a recovering people pleaser who struggles to express negative emotions for fear of being a burden to anyone is such a mystery... (not!)
Wishing you a much more peaceful one next year!

You could saying to him
with a cunfussed concerned look

are you ok ?

I wish I had the guys to do this - so glad you get a better Christmas these days! Was there any fallout from it or is he removed enough that it didn't register?

You know what, I'm not sure I've actually tried this exact approach - I might give it a go, thanks!

Yes. My brother. Have gone LC over the years.

Mil does the little tinkly laugh after a comment like “it’s so chaotic here”. Really can’t stand her.

Last year was a classic she went on and on about how much a teen was eating. Teen actually said “are you trying to fat shame me granny?” Normally am hot on manners but she deserved that!

This is brilliant! Quite right too - you get a lot of people complaining about 'snowflake generation' but honestly they just seem less willing to put up with shit quietly, as a lot of us were trained to do!

The best way I have found when dealing with this BS is to pretend I dont understand. Eg "sorry, I dont get it- can you explain?" - this gets them to repeat the "joke" again and own what they are saying. When they do finally explain after me asking several times (which is so funny to look at their facial expression) I say something like "Ooooh, I think I finally get it- its a dig about me not doing xyz, right?" - and watch them splutter.

Passive aggressive "Jokes" work because they are saying mean things under the guise of humour but if you force them to reveal the underlying nastiness it reflects very poorly on them and they get embarrassed. Get them to own the comment and repeat it multiple times and they usually stop doing it.

No fall out. We were subtle (or tried to be). After lockdowns, the following year we had 'political covid' so didn't go and those two years broke the habit enough for us to say we were going away on year three and this year, we are 'planning a stay at home Christmas'.

The last time we were there, his behaviour was so bad it was shocking. He was fervent in trying to get a reaction out of us but neither of us were well and he just got more and more offensive in trying to get a rise out of us that other family members eyebrows were off the top of their heads too.

They must know why we have never picked up the old tradition of all being together but without putting a muzzle on the old fucker, which isn't going to happen, us going there on one of the most precious days of the year isn't going to happen either.

He has had a somewhat charmed life and has never had to work hard to make a living and it shows. He is very out of touch with how the real world works and some of his views are sickening.

Other family members are raising small children. It will be interesting to see if they allow them around him when they are sensible to his 'charms'.

Ooh see, I've tried the first part but just get a 'it's a joke, I was making a joke' to which i say 'I don't get it, can you explain it' and they say 'never mind!!' and then are extra chatty over the layer of annoyance. I have tried the second part a few times and they end up sulking and going 'i was only joking, don't be like that' (all in front of other people, no awareness of how it might make others feel!) And then the next time I see them it starts again... with an extra 'ooh can't make a joke, she'll get annoyed'
.... God, writing it down makes it even worse, doesn't it. What arsehole behaviour. If I thought I'd upset someone I'd apologise - If I didn't understand why they were hurt I'd speak to them privately to understand so we could resolve it... isn't that normal behaviour? I'm fully aware that them not doing this is because the person only cares about how they are perceived as opposed to my feelings...

Ooh see, I've tried the first part but just get a 'it's a joke, I was making a joke' to which i say 'I don't get it, can you explain it' and they say 'never mind!!' and then are extra chatty over the layer of annoyance

I'd do this then over and over again- if they get the same response at least it's dropped with "never mind"! The joke has fallen completely flat and it hasn't got the dig in they were after. After multiple times of this happening they'll tire of trying surely