Xmas Grown Up Children of Divorce

[stuckinthemiddlewithyou1]

Just had to have a ‘welcome’ to adulthood conversation with my 19yo SD.

For years my husband and I have had to navigate splitting Xmas and all the other holidays with his ex. Technically the divorce order sets out contact arrangements but practically life gets in the way and someone needs to change arrangements etc etc. We’ve generally been able to divide the time without affecting the kids experience and mostly without them even knowing there was all this arranging going on behind the scenes.

The transfer of the pressure to my husbands children has happened this year unfortunately as she was meant to spend Xmas eve with us and then Xmas day with her bf family. Her mom (my husbands ex) has obviously had something to say about the limited time she is spending with her. And it’s caused great upset.

It just occurred to me that if she happens to then one day marry a guy who also has divorced parents that splitting themselves 4 ways would become tricky. And then to add more turmoil if SS happens to do the same it would be become even more tricky to plan Christmas with us or the ex or the new partners family…

I dont have a question to ask but it’s more of a statement I guess, that they will now have to keep multiple households happy. I’ve told her that we are easy going and won’t be putting any pressure on them but I can’t say the same for the ex or her new partners family who may have different expectations. Just occurred to me that life as a child of divorce does have complications that extend way beyond your childhood.

But she's an adult so she gets to decide where she has her Christmas? Not sure what the issue is.

There is no issue except to feel a bit bad for her that she has to grow up and deal with all of this now.

She is a young adult who has yet to set any boundaries for anyone and is now going to have to do so. Like I said, not a question or an issue but more a realization that adult children of divorce potentially have extra challenges to face.

life as a child of divorce does have complications that extend way beyond your childhood.

Yep, it does. Forever, you have to navigate Christmas, graduations, weddings. Any life stages you’d expect a parent at - can you invite both of your parents? Their partners? Will one of them kick off, do you have to keep them apart?

From my experience as the child, my recommendation to you would be that you have a fine line to tread. Some parents use guilt to try and get more time with their kids, some are pushovers and never remind their adult kids that they should be fair. Some continue to bad mouth the other parent. My step sisters barely ever see their dad because he is too scared to stand up to their poor behaviour, and their mum constantly guilts them in to going to hers (they arrange something with him, mum gets wind of it and cries, they sack off dad and go to mum, mum buys them a new car…). So the juggling as divorced parent doesn’t really end either, just that you have the adult child in the middle now!

Just occurred to me that life as a child of does have complications that extend way beyond your childhood

No , because you become an adult and can say "Screw all the crazies who thought they were giving me the best childhood but were actually not. I am going to enjoy Christmas where I want doing what I want, rather than bring shuttled around". And then you can go on holiday somewhere sunny and leave them all behind!!

I agree.
But mostly you have to go through a whole lot of crap and hurt and drama before you realize that’s an option!
Most adults spend their lives never realizing that they don’t have to put up with bad behavior from family.

This is why me & my siblings remind our extended families (parents divorced and remarried) and we all have partners and kids and their wider family network... that Christmas is a season and we will all get around to see each other but that's not just dedicated to 1-2 days.

Some we have seen weekends before Xmas, some the weekend after, some on Xmas and Boxing Day, others we're seeing new year. We rotate who gets Xmas or Boxing Day each year so to be fair. It's bloody complicated but we manage not to leave anyone out

I'm campaigning to be away on holiday somewhere sunny next year, seems the easiest option by far

Absolutely! I stopped talking to my father on my 30th birthday. Most 18 year olds don’t have the maturity to navigate these situations with ease!

I guess that’s why I feel a bit sad for her. We will not put pressure on her at all and i guess the upside to this for me is that I can feel less guilty about suggesting to my DH we disappear off somewhere just the two of us for change without having to worry about fitting in with other people’s scheduling.