I work in a very friendly environment, started seven months ago … everyone’s lovely. I’m reasonably senior staff - it’s a healthcare role and I’m the only person in the building with my job, so I basically lead the service I provide.
I’m almost certainly autistic, but never properly diagnosed. I went through a lot of crap in my childhood and twenties and lost out on a lot of ‘growing up’ - I’m 33, never been abroad, only had sex once, etc etc.
I was bullied horrendously in school, and in my last job. I was taken out of several classes at school because it got so bad.
Sometimes close friends/relatives have commented that I struggle more than I think I do, although I think I’m good at masking when it’s needed.
My colleagues are all really lovely and they don’t seem to be the bullying type, but I’m often internally terrified. I love them and they also say they love me, we go on nights out but sometimes I panic they’re secretly laughing at me and I’m just too stupid to realise.
I’m fat, and I can be socially awkward at times. I don’t like my face, I stumble on words in huge meetings as I get flustered. I do silly things like bite my baby finger when I’m concentrating, or sing quietly to myself - stimming basically.
When my ‘supervisor’ comes over she’s so so good at her job, admittedly she’s got 30 years on me but I worry she’s much better and they’ll be wishing I was that good.
I don’t know how to trust them that they aren’t laughing or annoyed with me. I get called nicknames, they’ve bought me xmas presents, all sorts. Is it OK to be unsure?