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Original poster

Is my friend being honest about her bf?

25 replies

xanadu123 · 21/12/2024 22:25

I have a close friend of 16 years and has a bf of 5 years I've only met once even though we live in London and see each other every 2 months, and Whatsapp a few times a week. We are part of a group of 4 very close friends + partners, and no one else has met him other than the 1 time either.

For background, she was in a long term relationship and we knew her ex very well, he attended events, she talked about him etc. She ended it but it was amicable as they grew apart. She then moved abroad, and met her current bf. At the start she talked about him loads, shared photos, updated on milestones (like him saying he loved her, meeting his parents etc). She would come back to London every few months, and we met him on his first trip back with her - only for 2 hours so not a long time. Lovely guy, we all really liked him and she said he did too. Over the next 2 years she'd come back with him regularly but we never met him again, which was understandable as they were doing touristy things around the UK. Still talked about him a lot.

She then decided to move back to London, and he was supposed to move with her. He dragged his feet as doesn't like London (is from Austria) but eventually agreed - this was 2+ years ago. In the 2+ years since he's moved here, we haven't met him at all. One of our group got married, gave us a lot of notice, but he didn't attend as was visiting friends back home. We've celebrated a few 40ths, he's missed them all as he's away. We have regular birthday and xmas catch ups - never attends. She complained when he first moved that he had no friends - he and my DH share a hobby so i suggested they could do it together, she loved the idea and said he'd be in touch. He never was. Another friend's DH invited him a few times to another shared hobby - he never replied, apparently he is bad at texting.

She has barely spoken about him in 2 years, and the last year not at all. Whenever I ask how he's doing, she'll say 'fine' and quickly change the subject. She talks about her future plans with no mention of him. Eg. she wants to take a sabbatical and travel the world - when i asked whether he would join, she seemed surprised i'd asked and shrugged and said he'd do a sabbatical too but not yet.

It's at a point where it just feels odd. She always asks about our relationships and is genuinely interested to discuss it, and is opinionated (not a bad thing) - but hers is a black box. She's a good friend so ultimately it doesn't matter, but she's always been honest about everything so unsure why she wouldn't tell us if they did break up? Or if they are together, why he never wants to meet us (did we offend him, but ~4 years is a long time to not say something?). It feels like this big gap between us and i'm not sure why. What would you make of it?

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 21/12/2024 22:27

I'd probably think he never moved here if you haven't seen him since the first meeting. Maybe she's embarrassed/ doesn't want to feel left out if everyone else is getting married and with someone.

Brefugee · 21/12/2024 22:32

Since Brexit can he move here easily?

OAPapparently · 21/12/2024 22:39

It is quite odd.
I think maybe at some point she has lied or assumed that he would move here, one of you have asked about it, she’s panicked and said he’s here, and she can’t figure out how to stop the lie without looking silly.

Either that or maybe he’s developed agoraphobia and doesn’t want to talk about it.

I think you should try asking specific questions about him and their life and see how she reacts.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems
Original poster
xanadu123 · 21/12/2024 22:40

Brefugee · 21/12/2024 22:32

Since Brexit can he move here easily?

She told us his work had sponsored his move to the UK as a transfer to the London office, so a work visa - it's a global company and transfers are common in his industry. She told us back then he had moved and was struggling to adjust to London life, and wanted to make more friends. So I feel he must have moved because it would have been a very elaborate lie for her to tell us. Though tbh I'm not really sure now what is the truth anymore.

OP posts:
Spuck · 21/12/2024 22:40

I mean you could either…

A. Not let it bother you, stop asking about him and go on as if he is no longer in her life (unless she mentions him, of course)

or

B. When you next see her, say something along the lines of …. ‘I know this may be quite personal but I just wanted to ask, because I’m a little worried, that everything is ok with you and X? I’ve noticed he hasn’t been able to make it to any of the get togethers and just want you to know I’m here to talk if you ever needed to’.

WilfredsPies · 21/12/2024 22:45

I’d say that they’ve either broken up and she doesn’t want to tell anyone, or he’s coming and going and turning up whenever it suits him and she doesn’t want to tell anyone, or he hates you all, can’t bear to spend another minute in your company and she doesn’t want to tell anyone.

I think I’d let her keep her secrets and just forget about his existence. All that really matters is that she knows you’re there for her if she needs you.

ForPearlViper · 21/12/2024 22:57

Don't question her. Don't mention him unless she mentions him first. By doing so you are making it harder for her. If you are a true friend, make it easy for her to escape the corner she appears to have painted herself into.

If she wants to, she will tell you when she is ready. But it should be OK for you if she never does.

DinDjarin1 · 21/12/2024 23:05

Is she on social media? Does she share pics of them together?

Original poster
xanadu123 · 21/12/2024 23:19

Spuck · 21/12/2024 22:40

I mean you could either…

A. Not let it bother you, stop asking about him and go on as if he is no longer in her life (unless she mentions him, of course)

or

B. When you next see her, say something along the lines of …. ‘I know this may be quite personal but I just wanted to ask, because I’m a little worried, that everything is ok with you and X? I’ve noticed he hasn’t been able to make it to any of the get togethers and just want you to know I’m here to talk if you ever needed to’.

So far I've been doing A but it might be time for B. It hit me today how weird it was because I had a milestone happen to me and received a card in congratulations from both of them. When DH saw the card, he asked if that was her new bf and was very confused when I said it wasn't. And I realised other than mentioning it once all those years ago, he's never come up in conversation, never come to gatherings and has no social media presence - so DH thought she was single all these years. Which is saying something as he knows her quite well given how close she and I are.

But having a friendship with secrets like this makes me uncomfortable because I've shared very intimate things with her over the years, and will need to reconsider doing that because I feel she doesn't see me the same way. She's god daughter to another girl's DD in the group who's been very confused why he has never even met the girl who's now 18 months - and wondered if she'd done something wrong. I had to reassure her she can't have as she only met him for 2 hours, 4 years ago...So if she has indeed been lying to us all these years, it will feel a real betrayal of trust.

OP posts:
Original poster
xanadu123 · 21/12/2024 23:20

DinDjarin1 · 21/12/2024 23:05

Is she on social media? Does she share pics of them together?

She's active on IG but has never shared photos of him as he's not on social media. But it was like this even when they started going out so no change there.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 21/12/2024 23:32

I thought straightaway that he was married and she just sees him occasionally.

Original poster
xanadu123 · 21/12/2024 23:46

healthybychristmas · 21/12/2024 23:32

I thought straightaway that he was married and she just sees him occasionally.

When they started going out she shared photos of herself with his family so I don't think he could be (well, not then anyway).

I feel they broke up a while ago but she isn't telling us which is so odd as there's divorces in the group, fertility issues, marital problems, terminally ill parent, redundancy - we are late 30s-early 40s so a break up isn't a terrible thing to share.

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 21/12/2024 23:50

Have you never been to her flat/house in all this time?

Teanbiscuits33 · 22/12/2024 00:01

She’s lying - even if he has no social media, if they were together you’d surely see pictures of him and her together, or she’d post about places they’d been together, eg. ‘’Me and X have had a wonderful evening at the restaurant/cinema/spa/tourist destination’’ It doesn’t add up, she’s making up a fantasy life. Either they’ve broke up and she doesn’t want to say because everyone else is coupled up, or they were never together in the way she thought the first time.

To be honest, she seems the fairytale romance type to write on social media about him telling her he loved her for the first time. That struck me as quite odd and very ‘look at me’ and therefore it would make sense how she would feel silly admitting they weren’t together and wanting to keep up the pretence. It will be a bit awkward if she meets someone in real life who she likes 🤣

Original poster
xanadu123 · 22/12/2024 00:04

RogueFemale · 21/12/2024 23:50

Have you never been to her flat/house in all this time?

Only when she first moved back and only to help her move in, before he moved over. She's never invited us around hers right from the start - she hates hosting which she freely admits and we've always known that. She always books venues for her meet ups. She also lives in the same area as a friend with a much bigger place so it made sense we went there instead.

OP posts:
HoppityBun · 22/12/2024 00:11

Are you sure he was her bf and not just a friend who was visiting? Did they acknowledge the relationship in those 2 hours? I’m wondering if, when you look back to the brief time that you saw him, you would have thought he was her bf if she’d not said that he was?

RogueFemale · 22/12/2024 00:28

xanadu123 · 22/12/2024 00:04

Only when she first moved back and only to help her move in, before he moved over. She's never invited us around hers right from the start - she hates hosting which she freely admits and we've always known that. She always books venues for her meet ups. She also lives in the same area as a friend with a much bigger place so it made sense we went there instead.

Show quote history

Does seem a bit odd that none of you have been round, especially the friend nearby, even for a cup of tea.

RogueFemale · 22/12/2024 00:29

Maybe suggest a meet up at her place which isn't a 'hosting' thing, more let's have a drink at yours before we go to the restaurant, would love to see how you've done it up.

WingingItSince1973 · 22/12/2024 00:57

Could it be that he just doesn't like any of you and doesn't want to socialise? I know that's reaching but seems a bit more strange she would pretend they are together. Is he controlling? Does she come out to many things like she did before?

CuriousGeorge80 · 22/12/2024 02:08

He may just be like my dad. Loads of people would assume my mum had been single forever but they are still happily married. He has absolutely no interest in meeting her friends, doing social stuff etc. she holidays without him (also sometimes with him) and their lives are very independent but they are happily married. He is devoted to his work and a couple of hobbies. It works for them although it wouldn't for a lot of people, I know.

Original poster
xanadu123 · 22/12/2024 08:27

RogueFemale · 22/12/2024 00:29

Maybe suggest a meet up at her place which isn't a 'hosting' thing, more let's have a drink at yours before we go to the restaurant, would love to see how you've done it up.

I will do, thanks for the suggestion. Until this thread I hadn't actually thought about us never visiting her place as it's just habit now. But could tell if he lived with her or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
xanadu123 · 22/12/2024 08:43

WingingItSince1973 · 22/12/2024 00:57

Could it be that he just doesn't like any of you and doesn't want to socialise? I know that's reaching but seems a bit more strange she would pretend they are together. Is he controlling? Does she come out to many things like she did before?

She is still very social which is why his absence is noticeable. She organises meet ups - we do 'just us friends' meet ups and those with partners invited, and she's never shied away from either.

It is entirely possible he doesn't like us, not because he knows us, but what he's heard about us or just that he doesn't like london/UK and we represent that. Listening to feedback here, i now think maybe they are together but he moved back to Austria, they are long distance and she doesn't want to tell us. That wouldn't be great news because apparently he was keen to get married and have kids, and my friend is unsure about kids and would never leave London permanently. Might explain why she is feeling conscious about staying with him. I would have hoped she could talk to me/us about it after everything we've been through together.

OP posts:
Edingril · 22/12/2024 08:45

Why does it matter? Maybe she has her own reasons that have nothing to do with anyone else?

Original poster
xanadu123 · 22/12/2024 08:46

CuriousGeorge80 · 22/12/2024 02:08

He may just be like my dad. Loads of people would assume my mum had been single forever but they are still happily married. He has absolutely no interest in meeting her friends, doing social stuff etc. she holidays without him (also sometimes with him) and their lives are very independent but they are happily married. He is devoted to his work and a couple of hobbies. It works for them although it wouldn't for a lot of people, I know.

Thank you. This triggered the thought in me that he moved back home and they are long distance because he didn't like London as prefers living by Alps (where his hobbies are and where he's from). But for some reason my friend doesn't want to tell us that which is weird as my DH does unsociable shifts so I often do things alone, and would understand!

OP posts:
Original poster
xanadu123 · 22/12/2024 08:50

Edingril · 22/12/2024 08:45

Why does it matter? Maybe she has her own reasons that have nothing to do with anyone else?

They matter because if I've discussed intimate and very personal details about my life with someone and consider them one of my closest friends for almost 2 decades. The fact they are lying to me about something quite basic is a breach of trust. You can't have intimacy when one person is lying to you about their living set up, relationship set up for so many years - not sure what else she's lied about then. I'm surprised honesty isn't the basic expectation in any close relationship.

OP posts:
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