Moved abroad from family & want a baby

[Abp123]

Hello!

myself & husband moved to Canada over a year ago from the UK & starting to think about wanting children.

we do not want to move home but I cannot stop thinking about parents not being around.

they found it pretty tough when we told them we were moving so I am struggling.

I think about everyone else more than myself so I am more worried about how our parents will feel in the situation more than myself as I would definitely have children here.

am I that point where am I going to not having children just so I don’t hurt my parents feelings?

any help will be helpful as I have no one to talk to that’s in my situation or understands.

Thank you!

I grew up as a child abroad away from grandparents - still had a fab relationship with them until the end, we were very close. Don't let that be the hugest worry you have 😊 people who want to be involved and build a relationship will be, especially in such a digital age - it's never been easier to keep relationships going over a long distance.

If you want children, you want children. Lots of people don't have nearby family and still have kids. Your parents might wish they were closer, but you and your husband being happy should be the main thing they wish for. Honesty loads of people live in the same village / town / city as their parents and are NC - there's no promising you could live closer and be besties!

I'd also say your parents won't be around forever - don't not have DC just because you're worried about them temporarily being upset.

Please don’t not have children to save your parents feelings. You need to live life for you.

and when you become a parent you will realise that more than ever you just want your child to be happy. This is what your parents will want for you!

I moved to Caribbean from the Uk 15+ years ago and my kids are 13 & 10 - they have a brilliant relationship with both sets of grandparents, despite being born here and not having grandparents around the corner.

My mum (their nana) got both the kids "first smiles" when they were over visiting and with the exception of Covid, and we try and visit (or they visit) every year.
They love spending time with my mother in law who is just ace and dotes on them.

I still remember my dad taking DS2 to his first car wash when he was about 6. DS2s little mind was blown and they both thought it was a great adventure.

Never ever put off your own life through guilt or fear - the thing with being a parent is that we give you life so you can live it in your own way. I guess it's easy for me to say as both my parents were immigrants so me becoming one myself was accepted.

My kids relationship with their grandparents was nurtured through regular FaceTimes, holidays, babysitting when we were over (or when they visited), and family photos all over our house.

If you naturally include these things when you have your own kids, your child won't really know that they're "not there".

You must not decide not to have children just because it would be hard on your parents. Yes, it’ll be difficult in some ways for them and for you, but if you want children then not having them would be much worse!

My parents moved from Trinidad to the UK when they were 19.

I had a great relationship with all of them growing up and I would visit 1 to 2 times a year !

Lots of people immigrate.
You just have to get on with where your path in life takes you !

We moved abroad just after DS's first birthday and are now trying for #2. We didn't live near either set of grandparents in the UK and have definitely seen them for more days here than we would in the UK - they've come to visit for much longer periods of time. DS has a great relationship with them and at 18 months is now excited to see them on video calls.

You can't not have children just because your parents might be sad they don't see them everyday! Even if you lived nearby you'd have a busy life and not see them all the time.

Invite them to stay after the birth and then make plans for a long trip to them once a year, they come to you etc. And think what a brilliant life your child will get in Canada!

I definitely think DS gains more from where we live now than his life in the UK, even if he did see his grandparents for more weekends.

I moved abroad (in the other direction to the UK), had children and never went back. Honestly, it’s no big deal. While I’m NC with my family now for unrelated reasons, being so far away didn’t really impact how close they were. My mum actually saw my dc more than MIL did and had a closer relationship with them (and MIL lived an hour’s drive from us!).

You do what makes you happy. Your parents could die tomorrow. Or like me, you may end up estranged (I never would have believed you if you told me it would happen, I was very close to my mum when my eldest was born). Things happen. Do what works for you.

Some therapy though may be really beneficial to help you work through some of this stuff. As adults, it’s healthy to detach a bit from our parents and you may actually find it helpful to talk through out you’re feeling about your relationship, especially if and before you become responsible for parenting someone else.

We moved abroad 25 years ago, DD is now 17.

She has a great relationship with her grandparents. I think nowadays with Skype/Zooom/Face Time, it's a lot easier to keep contact than when I moved 8 hours away to the other side of the country to my parents when I first moved out.

You obviously need to build your own support network, but so did my best friends who all are not near their parents.

Until 5 years ago we had my mum/my PIL over a lot more than we visited them, it was easier when DD was small. Now with them quite elderly, we fly over more.