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NICU trauma 3.5 years on - anyone else? Maybe TW

2 replies

Feedingwondering · 19/12/2024 20:51

Without going into all the details my DS was admitted to NICU at about 3 hours old, after a very straightforward birth at full term with a big birth weight. He went randomly and very suddenly downhill, and spent a week in NICU, which was a week of awful, traumatic experiences (though the staff were amazing). No reason for what happened to him other than “bad luck” apparently, and he made a full recovery - he’s now a wild, amazing 3.5 year old. I am under no illusion that I was incredibly lucky to leave NICU with a healthy baby and that by all accounts our stay was very short. I was diagnosed with PTSD when he was around 6 months old, had therapy, great support and with time felt I had come to terms with what happened as much as was possible. I’ve always been very open about it, talk openly about what happened, how I struggled, what support I got. But every now and then it absolutely flaws me and I’m right back there. For a long time I was certain I wouldn’t have more children - not because of fear of what happened occurring again, but because I genuinely felt like I was here to dedicate my life to DS, that I was to spend the rest of my life existing in the highest state of gratitude imaginable for leaving NICU with a healthy baby and that there would be no room in my head/heart/love for another child - he must have it all. Slowly, over the last 6 months or so I’ve started to feel more open to the possibility of another baby at some point in the next couple of years. But tonight I stumbled upon a really upsetting article (not related to NICU but was to do with child loss) and it has absolutely flawed me. I had almost an uncontrollable reaction reading it, intense crying, had to immediately go up and lay with my DS (who’s asleep) and the waves of how unbelievably lucky we are were so huge. It took me a while to calm down and made me wonder if I could ever really go through having another child. I’m not sure what I’m asking really, maybe if anyone else has experienced an event similar with their baby and the feelings that came after, and whether they managed to navigate more children with acceptance around what happened before and the same overwhelming love for the next child/children. I’m one of 3 and my mum always reassures me that once baby number two comes you love them just as much, but I’m struggling to imagine a world where that’s possible. A lot of my relationships were affected after what happened - I feel like I love everyone a little bit less, to make space for how much love I have for DS. Please be kind, it’s a lot to navigate and has taken me 3 years to move through.

OP posts:
LetsNCagain · 19/12/2024 20:57

I'm sorry for what happened. I had a traumatic first birth. These things take time to get over.

Don't worry about forecasting into the future - will I ever have a second? Will I always feel this way?

Instead just take each year as it comes. You're already much better than two years ago. See how you feel in another two years. A 5 year age gap would be fine, if you had your second child at that point. But no pressure to worry about it now.

And I (personally) am not a believer in trying to speed up trauma recovery with lots and lots of intensive therapy and counselling etc. It almost feels like you "ought" to hurry up and get over it. But these things just take time

Narkacist · 19/12/2024 21:00

I had something similar with my second, which was easier in some ways because I didn’t need to think about having another. He had a 5% chance of being born alive. I had the feeling that he was too good for the world and that he wasn’t supposed to be here, because he was the most placid easy baby ever. He’s nearly 7 now and it has mostly worn off but he does have breathing difficulties occasionally and then I get the feelings coming back a bit if he ends up in hospital.

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