Want to disappear.

[halion]

Like the title says. I wish I could just go.

I'm so worn out I have nothing left to give. I'm sitting here feeding my 6week old baby crying my eyes out. If it wasn't for my two children I'd be off this planet.

I hate who I've become. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that I have no confidence in myself. I hate that iv been painting a smile on. I hate that I have to see ex friends who have hurt me, laughing & having the time of their life.

Everyone has moved on & I feel so left behind in life. I'm lucky, I have an amazing husband and 2 kids but that's it. I'm just an empty shell now. No wonder I have no friends. I go online and see everyone out having nights out & nights with the girls, and I don't have that. I haven't had a proper night out in over a year. Just feeling so low and can't shake this feeling that I'm not meant to be here anymore. I don't have a purpose anymore. I'm just staying crazy busy all the time to avoid stopping and feeling how I really feel.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear this. You sound depressed. Is it possible you have post natal depression? Please see your doctor because I'm sure they can help.
As for your "friends", they don't seem like true friends if they could dump you and laugh about you. I'm sure you'll find new friends in time. Life with very young children can be lonely and isolating but it's a short phase. I was completely lonely when mine were little (we moved to a new city) but made a couple of friends with other mums once my children started school.
Try to see your situation as temporary. Things will get better. You're lucky to have a great husband and children. I know people who have no one. You do sound ill though so I hope you get help.

You likely have PND,
pick the phone up and call the doctors and make the urgent appointment now.

take the kids out for a walk and get some fresh air even if it’s raining as will also do you good.

You have a young family that need you so much. It’s really tough but you will get through it. Your hormones are all over the place and they just need resetting.

not having a purpose? That’s rubbish, you need to be a mum to your children, that’s the biggest purpose ever. Your husband will also need you around

Social media is mostly fake, no one is that happy all the time so delete the apps and ignore it until you feel better.

OH my darling, I've been exactly where you are and it is awful - but I promise you it can get better. Don't be shy about talking to your GP or social worker about how you feel - you are NOT alone, it's very common and it is also something that can be addressed in lots of different ways. They would ALWAYS rather you spoke up so they could do something than have you struggle on in this state.

One thing that saved my sanity was finding a baby group I could go to once a week - might be worth looking in your local GP practice, community centre or supermarket for flyers. It can honestly make such a difference to be able to talk to other women in the same boat, who understand and won't judge you.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you x x