Controlling or just being honest?

[GreyBlackBay]

A friends long term boyfriend has suddenly left her, didn't want to discuss why but there was no other woman. She wanted to know why, he said no one thing and didn't want to list lots of little irritating things because he felt it would be upsetting. She insisted so he did; things like being messy, always late, very loud on nights out, bad with money - basically nothing new just things that may start to irritate after years together.

Friend is devastated. She says if he'd told her she could have made an effort to change.

Conversely a work colleague told her husband that she would leave him if he did not become more tidy around the house, stop wasting money, smarten himself up. I don't know her so well but it didn't sound like he's an absolute slob or they have money worries just that he is not living and presenting himself as she wants and he's 'not the man she married'.

So is the work colleague just being honest with her husband to give him a chance to change or is it controlling behaviour?

If my friends BF had told her she needed to be tidier, quieter, on time otherwise he would leave would that have been deemed controlling?

There's several months between these two events and I didn't realise the parallels and am considering why I felt differently about them and whether the genders are making a difference.

2nd depends a little on the context and more

As read I would call that being direct or blunt and would have no issue with it

1st hard to say

That's a lot to change and as it's bf/gf may be better leave and find someone more suitable

I don't really see any controlling aspect to any scenario

I'm not really sure why you've took such an interest in these peoples relationships to this degree. Of course you are upset for your friend and want to support her, but you don't even know the other woman well and her reasons for wanting to leave her partner could be just the tip of the iceberg of why she wanted to leave. A person can leave a relationship for any reason. I doubt your friend could of done any more than she did for the relationship. She can't change her whole personality to keep someone in the relationship. He found her annoying eventually and wanted to leave it's as simple as that.

Neither are controlling. Both are about people defining what they're happy to put up with. Your friend's boyfriend just wasn't into her enough to hang around long enough to see if she was capable of change. Your colleague doesn't want to be saddled with a man child for the rest of her life.

I agree with this. Personally I hate all of those things and would never be with someone if it meant I had to put up with all of them.

I think everyone should always be striving to improve on some level. I don't believe it's a case of 'this is who I am, deal with it'. Sometimes in a relationship you have to change a little to accommodate the others needs, its not controlling to meet in the middle.

I'm not interested in their relationships, I'm interested in the theoretical boundary between what is seen as controlling behaviour and what is an honest 'if this continues then I will leave' conversation.

I had several other examples I could have used. But these two seemed the closest situations.

I was thinking would the same situation be considered controlling if there was a power imbalance. In my colleagues situation they are both professionals and assume will both be fine if they split, so he can change or not. But if he was financially dependent on her, say he'd been the SAHP for many years, then he might feel he has to change.

I think saying 'if you don't fix this I will leave' about little minor annoying habits would always be inappropriate. Ultimations are not OK, (Unless for anger issues, infidelity or addictions imo). But there is is a difference between saying 'I will leave if you don't change xyz' and literally never mentioning it then blowing up. Do you really believe your friends DH had never mentioned that those things bothered him at all? He'd never asked her to do things differently, they'd never argues about these things? It sounds more like she didn't take it seriously until there was a threat to leave and its too late by then.
And honestly- you don't need a reason as such, if someone you are in a relationship with irritates you more than you enjoy their company then the relationship seems doomed imo. If you like someone enough you would put in the effort to work on issues. He clearly didn't think the relationship they had was worth fighting for. Which is sad, but honest.

Both just seem like they have boundaries. One didn’t want to stick around to see if anything changed. One did. Not controlling. Everyone has a choice in the matter. Though I think there is a big difference between annoying habits in a dating relationship and annoying habits in a marriage. One of them comes with significant legal and financial implications.

Being messy, untidy, late and bad with money are tiresome traits in anyone you have the misfortune to share a home with. If you live with someone and they are behaving like that, then it is only reasonable to ask them to do something about it. Otherwise, resentment will just fester and that is not much good in any relationship.

As usual with people, I think the details matter, the context matters.

You don't need a 'good enough' reason to leave a relationship. It might be unreasonable to leave over something minor...but you're free to do it. Issuing ultimatums over minor matters, however, definitely starts to look controlling.

Things like finances and sharing the household load aren't at all minor, though. Even if you're fine financially and the house isn't a total disaster, it's perfectly reasonable for someone to decide they aren't happy to continue doing all of the saving whilst a partner spends freely or to routinely clear up stuff strewn everywhere.

I would say an ultimatum around someone's appearance is generally controlling. I can think of exceptions, but they are generally not actually about appearance, e.g., deliberately choosing to wear a clown t-shirt around your niece who's terrified of clowns. It's not about the t-shirt, it's about being mean to a small child.

I do think it's immature to leave before attempting a serious conversation that this bothers you and trying to find a solution, but I don't think that has to be a point blank 'we need to improve this or I'll leave'. Some people are willing to go to that point. Others might think 'I'm really not happy with this' ought to be enough to motivate a loving partner without the ultimatum, particularly if they can see why it's an issue. I'm not sure that's unreasonable.