Does adult life ever feel peaceful?

[Cottonpink]

I genuinely can't remember the last time I felt happy. Genuinely happy. Well I can sort of. It was 5 years ago when the kids were toddlers and i was just enjoying being a mum. Then me and their dad split up. He was such a scruffy messy person in the end. Obsessed with conspiracies. Even though he loved me and was nice to me always. He had no motivation in him to plan or lead anything. I felt turned off in the end. We stopped sleeping together etc. I then met someone who wasn't my usual type. He was older. Worked in the construction area and was one of the lads. He came across sociable. Confident and respectful. Turned out he had unmedicated Bipolar and EUPD and you can imagine what 4 years of that looked like. I lost myself. Couldn't make healthy decisions anymore. He still sort of lingers in my life. Because he's always on the verge of suicide or something. He's so unstable. Sometimes me and his daughter get called or a knock on the door because he's falling apart. We phone for help. They go see him and never take him anywhere because he refuses help and knows how to act fairly calm if a threat of being hospitalised comes along. Then he continues to loose his phones and calls of friends phones every 2 days to make you worry.

I try get on with my life. I work hard. But it's minimum wage. I do 30 hours a week. Best I can do as a mum at the moment. I can't buy a house. My rents through the roof. I am generally OK. I have what I need. I have a couple of good friends. I may learn to drive next year too. I tick the boxes every season and try make sure me and the kids all have happiness going on around us. But lately I keep stopping and thinking omg! Everything feels so heavy. I beat myself up. I'm alone. But funnily enough I hear all the time about people in relationships who appear happy being sad. Their partners are looking st other women online or whatever. I hear this alot. Infact. I dated a man very recently 3 times. Slept with him. Then got ghosted. I was pretty sad because I was trying to prove to myself I could have some fun and not stay stuck on the abusive relationship. But it wasn't to be.

I know I'm overwhelmed with the run up to Christmas etc. It's just a really busy time of the year in general. But I just feel really down about the future. Are relationships even worth it anymore.

My kids are grown up now, so I go through phases of feeling quite at peace with the world.

However, as soon as one of them has anything going on (house move, job stress, relationship issues) they may as well be five years old because I still worry myself daft about them.

Yes, but you have to be ruthless and chop out anything / anyone who is sulking the joy out. That lingering ex, not your responsibility, get rid properly.

Then focus on you, work out why you settled for sub par relationships and fix that. Honestly, it seems selfish to work on yourself, but you will benefit and so will your kids. It sounds like you need to do this if you are feeling lost still. Then work on improving the rest.

Being happy in life doesn't just happen. You have to be proactive. Goals are good, you drift less with something to aim for.

You are right. I need to learn to drive next year and start working towards something.

Can I ask if anyone knows if I have one tick on whatsapp but can still see a photo am I muted or something? I am giving someone until 12 to reply. Then I'm blocking them. That's the first step in moving forward.
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One tick means it's been sent from your device but not yet delivered to theirs. So they won't have seen your message yet.

It can feel like a right shitstorm at times, can't it. But calmer days will be ahead :)

Most of my life has been up and down and quite hectic. I only felt peaceful and content once I reached 60, when the children were grown up and left home, I was divorced and single and happily treading my own path, and I had finished looking after elderly parents who were no longer around.

I spent all my younger days thinking it must be awful to be "old" - what wrong I was! It's the best time of my life....less pressure, more wisdom, more settled, more patience, fewer worries, plenty of friends and still enough energy to do the things I always wanted to do! And I don't have masses of money either, I can live on what I have and that's enough.

It will come to you too. Have some goals, learning to drive is a very good target to have and will make all the difference to your life in the future.

One thing that strikes me is that most of the problems in your life stem from the men you are choosing - scruffy conspiracy theorists (and having children with him), then a rough sounding guy with unmedicated mental illness, who also lingers in your life, then a random who ghosted you. I think the question is, why are you choosing these men? Are better men not available to you?That is a genuine question - I am currently not dating because better men are not available to me, and I absolutely will not date what is available.

I think the key is not seeing these men, or any man, as the solution to other issues in your life. You can move into a better paying job which is meaningful to you, and which provides a better standard of living for you and your children. You can focus more on friendships, wider family and interests that enrich your lives. I'm not saying give up on ever having a great relationship, but recognise that you have put more importance in them than they ever repaid you.