Should absent fathers lose parental rights?

[Kibble29]

Not picking on men with the thread title; just using men as the subject as they are the most frequently absent parental figure.

Do you think that if a father has no contact with his child, pays no maintenance/contribution to their daily upbringing and essentially has chosen not to be a parent, they should then lose their parental rights after a period of time?

As I understand it, parental rights can be removed in rarer cases such as adoption or where the father has caused very serious harm to the child. But years of absence, lack of maintenance and general disinterest in knowing their child are not reasons.

I think it’s a muddy area as often children are given their father’s surname at birth. If the two parents are unmarried then the relationship ends and he wants nothing more to do with the child, how does the mother navigate things like taking the child on holiday?

You’d have a parent with a different surname to a child trying to leave the country. Surely that would trigger questioning at the airport.

Why should absent parents retain rights to a child that they have, in essence, rejected? Is it fair that someone can choose to relieve themselves of the financial aspects of parenthood, yet remain with a degree of control if they decide to pop up in the future?

It absolutely is an issue as I've experienced it personally on two separate occasions! Early got deported from the USA

That’s what I thought (hoped) happened. Obviously in your situation it’s straightforward but I really feel for anyone who can’t take their kids on holiday because maybe the ex partner was abusive etc.

It can be - my cousin was stopped at an airport and questioned in a side room for some time because her baby has a different surname. She's married but kept her own surname while the baby has her Dad's. Eventually she managed to prove the baby was hers, but she had flown many, many times without it being a problem before. She now carries papers to prove it in case she is stopped again.

I know a family where the father was abusive to the whole family and eventually pissed off when the daughter was young.

The child is now 14 and has never left the UK. Never been on so much as a weekend trip to a different country, never flown, never even stepped inside an airport. Her mum can’t seek contact with the abusive ex to request a permission slip. And why the hell should she need to do that?

That father couldn’t tell you what music she likes, what school she goes to, her shoe size, her favourite foods, what her friends names are…yet he has this unseen control over her movement from afar.

She’s missed out on so many opportunities, cultural learning and general fun. None of that seems fair.

I cannot agree more, my children's father has disappeared on them twice for 9 months a time, taking another man's girlfriend into his home immediately after I had obtained a court order for coercive control, filling our children's bedroom at his home with hoardes of junk, never did take on the slightest bit of responsibility beyond what you'd expect of a babysitter, including needing me and his family to pay for everything and do all the work of creating and maintaining an environment suitable for the kids at his home, ferrying the kids about as he refuses to work, drive or do any home maintaining.
He only obtains a court order for contact to avoid narcissistic injury when family and friends start asking when the last time he saw them was, or to avoid losing a new girlfriend.
He's never paid a penny toward them and manipulates everyone around him so he can use the kids to cream money from them, eg. Money from his father toward a nice Xmas, money from his mother for the same, nobody realises he's getting money for the same things as they aren't in contact with each other he uses this to get everything done and paid for, including getting his 15 year old son doing childcare on his days.
This man has put us through hell including homelessness, financial abuse, and abuse of me in front of them and now the police heard him verbally abusing the children over a 111 call. Every time he comes back into my children's lives, their behavior gets worse and their skills regress. He also still asks me for money and I am not at all protected from having to interact with him including having social workers ask me very personal things such as who is my landlord in child in need meetings or having him turn up at a school event and then leaving there at the same time as me and the kids when I do not drive and neither does he so he will be following us potentially wherever we go, all the services seem to expect this to be OK but it's really not. I am a vulnerable adult as I have autism and the school is remote. So not ok.
But I can't stop them seeing him, remove parental rights, change my kids names, or many other things, so I just do my best each day to make sure they are safe.

But equally removing PR from an absent parent would make no difference, they are not trying to exercise their PR if they are absent.

You mentioned children with different names upthread and that's really on the mother to give the child their surname form the start

It's not. By law you have to have permission from everyone with parental responsibility, they might not ask for proof of it but they can, and then a birth certificate is not enough.

Yes. Why should the retain any rights over a child they have rejected.

Yes

I feel like this, if I as their mum decided to dissappear for 9 months, even once, or for far far less, I would expect a lot of things to come down on my head. Whether I left them with their father or not.
If I was in his shoes and had the chance to spend an extra day with my kids I would be jumping at it. The evidence he just doesn't care is everywhere foe anyone who cares to pay attention beyond the charisma.
What is the worst is that this is who my kids would live with if something happens to me, and I can't change it. But he can't deal with them for more than a fortnight without becoming abusive?
I am worried to rock the boat, if I am already vulnerable and his father will pay for solicitors they could undermine me with accusations of alienation.

Yes.
my dds father has deliberately rejected his children after he moved in, married and had further children with his ex partner (who he had before me and had 2 older children with, long story)

he has ignored their birthdays, Christmas, has not contributed financially, he gave up his job so he didn’t have to pay maintenance and then told my daughters that he wanted a quiet life with his new family and couldn’t be bothered with the hassle of them every weekend.

it enrages me that I cannot change their surnames until they are 16 and both teens want to and I can’t take them on holiday unless I have his permission.

No, instead I think the child maintenance system should be overhauled to make it a lot harder to avoid paying it. I think other countries are stricter, with more penalties for not paying. That would be more useful.

Child maintaining or not I fail to see the benefit in a child developing such attachment with a person who treats them as an option, an accessory to be worn as part of a narcissistic costume performance.

As should absent mothers. Or any parent who doesn't contribute to the financial support or well being of their children.

It will never happen though. I have a foster child whose parents still hold parental rights, but never see him, prioritise drugs over him, never buy him birthday or Christmas presents but refuse to agree to permanence for him and our hands are tied. I can't even sigh a form for school.

It would make a difference in terms of changing the child’s name to match that of their mother. Currently to change a child’s name, both parents must agree to it.

It’s unfair of you to throw this issue back at the mother like they should’ve known their children’s dad would leave/become abusive. How is that their fault? 🙄

@Kibble29

It would make a difference in terms of changing the child’s name to match that of their mother. Currently to change a child’s name, both parents must agree to it.

I know, which is why I said mothers should give the child the same name as them from the get go.

It’s unfair of you to throw this issue back at the mother like they should’ve known their children’s dad would leave/become abusive. How is that their fault? 🙄

I'm not throwing it back at the mother by suggesting if you want to have the same name as your child to do that from day 1, that's common sense. Regardless of not knowing how a relationship will develop, if you want your child to have your name, you give them it from the start.

Well in my case I was promised by a working and seemingly sane, decent, kind man that I would be given his name in marriage only for him to slide into unemployment for years, not taking on home tasks , then claiming ill health all while somehow fining enough energy to smash the house up and take off to go out with friends in another huff.
I really really wish he wasn't on their birth certificates. He didn't drop the mask until after the second pregnancy.

Its never upheld though, I did whatever I needed to, nobody ever asked if the 2nd parent agreed

Of course they should. I'd also like to see non maintenance payers charged with child neglect, because it is. Preferably with a custodial sentence.

As another poster pointed out, unless they raise the amount there'd be little point in allowing these people to say they support their child for £28 per month out of their uc packet.

I've never been asked. Even when they were babies. Eldest is 14 now. Been to many different countries. I always bring documents with me but never had to show anything