Should I try shape my (potentially neurodiverse) children's behaviour?

[SpinningTops]

I'm not quite brave enough for AIBU so go easy on me.

Both of my children potentially have ADHD / autism. They're both on the huge waiting lists for assessment.

Their behaviour is really manic and frantic and I'm finding them difficult to manage. Alone they are better but together it's like they form a pack and no attempts at parenting penetrate.

They're kind hearted kids, nothing malicious about what they do but it all feels so chaotic. So I really want to try and shape their behaviour but also worry that this is just who they are and that I need to accept it. We have had some success in the past but it requires almost constant vigilance and effort which is exhausting.

So do I exhaust myself and probably end up burnt out from trying to make them into calmer, more socially acceptable humans, or do I embrace it and just pad their bedroom walls and let them bounce off them every waking moment?

I think outdoor time is very helpful, it's just difficult at this time of year. It's dark when they're home from school.

We're a couple of miles from the school but perhaps a New Year's resolution should be to walk / run / scoot there.

They do a lot of after school activities which you would expect to wear them out but I think it winds them up more. They love each and every thing though so don't want to give anything up.

I've just looked into the floortime therapy and it sounds good. I am guilty of being tired after a day of work with so much to do that I could do more one to one interaction.

I’m so pleased with the way this thread is running without judgement. Lots of useful strategies.
And particular thoughts and prayers for all us parents in these short frantic dark December days!

This. I say this as the Mum of 2 adult DC with ADHD. They had to learn how to fit into society.

How do you get to school? If you drive, how about parking half way? Or get off the bus early. I used to use this strategy with explosive ADHD child.

That's what parents do though, shape behaviours and help children grow up to be independent functioning, ideally flourishing, members of society. Not doing that because they are possibly are ND is doing them a disservice.

My parents shaped my behaviours and thankfully they did or I would have struggled more than I already do. I will say it could have been done more kindly at times, although sometimes firm boundaries and consequences (such as letting me fix the aftermath myself) were necessary.

Just RTFT properly and wanted to take a minute to acknowledge that you've a hard job, OP, but you're doing your best for your DC and your thoughtfulness and care come through.

And if that sounds patronising, well, sorry, I'm ND blows raspberry (My parents weren't great at teaching how to speak the feelz 😂)

Any tips you can share on how you helped him to show calm behaviour would be gratefully received! My son is diagnosed ASD and I think ADHD likely too, and I am really struggling to stop his extreme reactions to things he doesn't like.

Typically drive as we're a couple of miles from the school. In summer we're better at walking but we all have outdoor gear so will try get them scooting / running from the new year.
Due to working and pick up times they're always driven home - that would be the more useful time to get them exercised, after a day of sitting still!

Not patronising, I appreciate your comment.

I could have written this thread too so am glad to see some helpful suggestions!
My current things are
As little screen time as I can get away with.
Stay away from sugar and processed foods for the majority of the time.
As much exercise and outdoor time as I can fit in.
I was thinking of getting a mini trampoline and possibly a wall mounted climbing frame for my youngest as you are right, it's harder on a nighttime after school In winter.

If they are rule followers could you have a family meeting and the 8 year old help write the house rules for inside and outside? But make it interactive. “What do you think the rules should be if we play in the bedroom and what are the differences if we play outside”

I find the main thing for ND is having clear expectations and boundaries. And having an outlet for stimming / energy / sensory needs.

OP have you seen the spinning chairs for older kids? I would still encourage them to go outside in rain / cold to burn some energy where possible

So park further from the school? That's what I meant. If you both work and commute a 2 mile walk/scoot is quite aspirational for time reasons.

That's a good idea, the morning 2 miles is doable when WFH but for the evening commute I'll park a 10 minute walk away so they can run off a bit of energy.

We do have a spinning chair actually. It always amazes me how fast they can spin.

I'll try get an agreed list of rules drawn up this weekend, but I think the rule following is more in a school setting. We do have a now and next board where I can list what needs doing which can be helpful.

The worst thing you can do for a ND child is have less boundaries, they need much more parenting than regular kids and it's utterly exhausting as you are aware already I'm sure!

Trashing a room and not tidying up is absolutely unacceptable ND or not. If it takes all day to clean up you'll need to be firm on that. But you'll need to break it into steps to show them how. Have everything very organised and categorised, I had to label every drawer and cupboard, first with pictures then words. Yours should be able to read so words should be enough.

Look up sensory regulation and see what could be done to help. High impact or deep pressure activities might work, or it could be the opposite and they need a low sensory approach. If you can afford it I'd really recommend OT appointments privately, these were a game changer for me and I got specific activities that suited DCs needs and saved me hours of research and the stress of trial and errors.

To give examples one child may need a quiet room with dim lights and gentle music to regulate, another may need vigorous exercise with a trampoline or exercise ball. They might be aggravating each other by being together. My two DC are total opposites and what works for one not only doesn't work for the other but would be a trigger for meltdowns.

I think breaking tasks/ goals down into manageable, recognisable 'chunks'. Eg.

Tidying - tidy up the big things first eg. cushions. Now you put lego in that box. You put teddies over there. I'll put the superheroes away. Use a 1 minute egg timer? Can you finish it in one minute?

Sitting and eating. Tidy up beforehand so it's a clear distinction and they're not in the middle of something which will be occupying their brain. "It's time to eat now". Maybe they can serve from dishes which allows some movement and choice. Love the conversation ideas a PP had. They are old enough for that rather than a book.

I think they manage at school because they know the expectations and it's very clear. You're not clear yourself what you want and they will know that so they'll push it much further than their actual needs into 'wants'. Many NT children will rather play and eat at the same time, many NT children don't want to tidy up (I don't particularly like it as an adult!), but that doesn't make it OK not do it.

Following as I’ve got similar struggles but just finding my way. Have some similar dilemmas…. Thx for posting OP

I think outdoor time is very helpful, it's just difficult at this time of year. It's dark when they're home from school.

Dsis does long dog walk even this time of year and has garden trampoline.

We had large ground floor pervious house - walked a lot as don't drive - and while park was hard in winter could do walk to local library or shops. When we moved her long walk home and then they could go out in garden - for a bit and we had garden lights that came on. We were also doing swimming lessons - and walk down to those.

With Ds in last house would often let him sit in garden even in twilight- lots of tree at back and even that seemed to help him clam down. He'd also collect hazel nuts and bash them with particular stones to open.

We've never allowed bed jumping or sofa jumping - evening meal has always been sat at table - though need reminders to sit or as PP poster said directions - to get up and get things but come back.

clear expectations and boundaries. And having an outlet for stimming / energy / sensory needs.

Probably most important advice.

I think there's a compromise to be made. DS (ASD/dyspraxia) was always allowed to have his 'projects' (mostly lego) all over his bedroom floor. He didn't want to pick it up because he had piles of 'special pieces' that he was keeping for one or another project. He was allowed to make a mess as long as it was confined to his room. I would allow them their space personally, I disagree with people who say a messy space is unacceptable - why is it unacceptable? My own mother was obsessed with tidiness and I hated it, so i don't ascribe to that way of thinking.

If they make an assault course with cushions etc then i would allow the mess but be clear that they do have to help put it away after - I find kids are often better at putting stuff away if they have an adult there to direct/help (just don't allow them to stand around and leave it all to you!). The other thing you can do that might appeal to them is to make it all into a game or race, so 'can you get all the cushions back in the right places before i count to 10?' Call it race time instead of tidy up time!