Child care and grandparents

[Mischance]

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/grandparents/sick-of-looking-after-my-grandchild/

This popped up on my phone today. I was able to read it on there but not on my laptop so don't know if people will be able to access it.

There is definitely a difference in today’s grandparents approach to caring for grandchildren vs their own parents generation.

I suspect there are many factors (age, money to do other stuff, not living as locally etc).

Common gripe among my friends - grandparents always too busy to help, only turning up on special occasions etc.

Very different to when we were growing up.

My experience (in the UK) is that family members and friends do help care for their grandchildren, but when the time comes for grandma to need help, a care facility beckons. (Yes, I know that it sometimes cannot be avoided.)

I specified "in the UK" because that is absolutely not the case for relatives in former Yugoslavia.

I'll add that I've seen more care of grandma in the dirt poor communities that I used to work in when I was still teaching: I have former pupils whose grown son or daughter has moved in with granny or grandad to make sure that they have someone with them overnight. This is more usual in communities, however, where family members tend to stay in the same area all their lives.

I think parents may expect a bit much from grandparents these days. The article has a woman in her late 60’s looking after a GC 3 days a week, holidays and for evenings. Told off if late but no apology when the parents are late home etc. We have zero childcare so I know full well how hard it would be to expect someone to do regular childcare for me.

People are having kids later, my MIL was in her 50’s when her first grandchild was born and late 60’s when the last one was born. It wouldn’t have been fair to ask her to do anything than to enjoy my DC’s company. Theres a distinct lack of empathy for old people, kids take an immense amount of energy and I think people should expect less.

I know I lot of grandparents who are childminders so their kids are able to work. I got no help at all from mine. I think things have shifted towards grandparents doing a lot more, not less.

I'm 53. Growing up I would have the occasional sleepover at one aunt's or other or my parents would pay a local babysitter when they were having an evening out, my grandparents never provided childcare.

I got a huge amount of help from my mum with my own son, she looked after him full time when I returned to work and he had a few sleep overs a year. I'll treasure what she did for him and me in those years.

However, I can't imagine being very hands on with any potential grandchild I might have. My mum actively wanted to provide childcare - for all 3 grandkids, mine being the youngest. I don't envisage I'll feel the same way to the extent my mum did. Different personalities, different lifestyles.

I think this is the reality though of generational differences in ability to be carers. Dh and I both are of the age when our parents could need care. But it wouldn’t be possible to provide care. Neither of us could give up work to become carers. We have to work to live. Our parents also do not live close enough to make just popping in possible. I suspect things were very different in previous ages when women were not in work and people lived a few decades less. (That said, neither of our parents have ever helped with childcare for similar reasons).

I can’t wait to help with childcare though when mine hopefully are of the age to become parents. I don’t realistically know if they will live close enough for it to be possible, but I would bite my right arm off to be there to help them if I’m able. I think that probably says more about the sort of parents Dh and I are, compared to our own parents. We’re quite a bit more family oriented and nurturing, probably more like our grandparents generation than our parents.

But most grandparents now are still working, if they are under 66.
I don’t think we had it easier, none of my children’s grandparents or their friends grandparents looked after them at all in the 70’s and 80’s. I had no help whatsoever and never expected it.
looking after my grandchildren over the years I’ve seen far more grandparent involvement.

Edited to say I was quoting User37482, not sure what went wrong😁*

I think this is a very fair post.
I was still working when my grandson was born but went part time to enable my daughter to go.back to work.
That's when I came to understand the
reason women go through the menopause - it was fine with a baby but bloody hard work with a stroppy toddler😆
He is 8 now and I'm so pleased he is an only one, I just don't have the energy to care for tinies anymore.

My parents had loads of help with us kids in the 80s/90s and not so they could work, cause gps wanted to spend time with us, and so parents could have down time/nights out etc.

We on the other hand have had zero help with our kids, not even for medical appointments or funerals.

@WearyAuldWumman I used to do this. I'd go to my nan's on a Friday after uni and then go to work from theirs on Saturday and Sunday mornings, spending nights there from Friday through to Sunday night. My cousin would then stay overnight from Monday night to Thursday. He lived in the next street from them. It meant they could stay in their own home for as long as possible, eventually they did move in with my uncle as nan's dementia got worse. It never felt like a sacrifice though, I was blessed to get that extra time with them.

I've noticed the number of exhausted looking elderly people pushing prams or seeing to toddlers in cafes during the day is growing. I really feel sorry for them, and for the parents who have to work in a frenzy and don't see enough of their little children, and also for the children who get shunted round constantly with little consistency.

My partner and I have very different experiences as children with this, my grandparents didn't provide childcare for me once growing up, my parents always deemed it their responsibility and no one else's, whereas my partner's mother was more like a third parent to him, provided childcare everyday after school and in holidays etc. it's been interesting is having our own child as we both have different ideas of what the "norm" should be. I have defaulted to full time paid childcare whilst we're at work and he expects his parents to have a more active role.

partner's grandmother that was supposed to be

No we never had help. My friend in her 60s says its expected now with cost living. Hard to know. My mam reared her own. Was def hard when I look back. My mil would have helped for an xmas party.

I know one of the reasons many of my friends would rather not look after grandchildren is the restrictions, lists and demands the parents ask for.

In my day when my grandparents looked after us my mum dropped us off and went to work happy in the knowledge we were in safe hands. Very little demands from her apart from general info. Many of todays parents expect grandparents to be child entertainers, dieticians and teachers rather than grandparents.

I think if there were less stringent rules and more trust then grandparents would be far happier to look after their grandchildren.

This is quite a headline:

Grandparents are saving families £96bn a year in equivalent childcare costs

www.sunlife.co.uk/press-office/news/grandparents-childcare-salary/

I'm 67 and also dip into Gransnet. I'd say the majority of grandmothers on there are caring for their grandchildren in some capacity. Although they all dearly love their grandkids, many of them are really worn down by it. They're basically assuming a mother's role for a baby and/or a toddler at the age of 70 - some of them even getting up at 7am to do the school/nursery run. Not what they expected to be doing in their retirement and utterly exhausting. Their husbands (the children's grandfathers) are often less than impressed with the situation which causes its own problems.

I'm surprised that so many grandparents are available to do childcare nowadays. My mum is 55 and can't afford to retire, she works full time in a hospital and certainly wasn't in a position to do childcare for me.

I guess this is a downside to having DC later in life.

I've talked to a lot of grandparents in parks and playgroups etc over the last ten years or so and almost all of them who have been doing regular care of grandchildren have felt really put upon and not wanted to do so much care but didn't feel like they could say no to their son/daughter.

I do think a lot of people take the piss a bit with how much they expect their parents to step up and look after their children. Grandchildren should be a joy but if grandparents feel obliged to look after them then it just becomes a chore.

On the other hand, if you have them early in life then it is more likely that you will still be working when your children are looking for care for the grandchildren.

I grew up in the eighties, my mum didn't work until I was 8 and then she worked park time 930-3. My older sisters babysat on an evening, my grandparents were all late fifties/early sixties and retired nor never worked. They were about if needed as were other local mums. It was very casual and if they were asked to babysit I fitted in with them they were not entertaining me.

When I had kids, my mum had ill health but we had a lot of help from mil who didn't work. She would have kids 2/3 times a week. She was early fifties.

Nowadays grandparents are often still working/caring for their parents, or are significantly older . Parenting is much more hands on so expectations are higher.

I'm in my 70s and had no help from my parents when my DC were small. I have been providing childcare and frequent sleepovers for my five DGC since I retired and I love it. I love being able to help my DD and DS's families and I love the close relationship I have with my DGC. It's a privilege to be trusted with their care.

When DC were young, I met quite a few grandparents who were doing full time work hours care. They complained a lot as they felt tied down & this should have been their free time, but felt pressured because they were retired and 'free'.

I vividly remember two grandmothers high fiving each other when their youngest GDC were off to school as they had a few hours a day free. My aunt let slip frustration about the constant holiday care for her 3 DGC - my cousin & her DH are earning millions but still expect free child care.

I think helping out like a community is a lot different to the pressure to committing to many hours of regular care that is expected now. From playgroup to school & DC activities, there are some kids who I've never seen the parents, just grandparents.

My own DP's do one day a week in school holidays. Which is more than I expected as they weren't around for us at all.