Your best small talk tips?

[Brindisa]

tonight is my work Christmas do (newish job). Tomorrow it’s my hobby Christmas do (this is our first time meeting as a group offline)
Friday is my local street carol concert

all lovely! But the me that agreed to all this is not the me of this week, who has a heavy period and is knackered.

I am often quite socially awkward. I talk too much about myself. I know you should ask questions but sometimes when I try that I think I come across as intrusive.

Could anyone share some failsafe small talk tips? What do you do? Or do I just accept it’s really boring and talk about the weather?

At this time of the year what are you doing for Christmas? But I hate small talk and found asking questions and being interested in the other person (which I would be anyway, but more as a strategy whether I’m really interested in them or not) helps. It means they do more talking, which works for me!

Ask about Christmas plans. Let it follow on to a chat about traffic on the roads or what time the kids wake up or who does the cooking or what Christmas telly people are looking forward to.

Listen to the other person. Half the time you can see socially awkward people have zoned out, and unfortunately, not listening because you’re (1) bored and think the other person is dull, and are just waiting for them to shut up so you can speak looks pretty much identical to not listening because you’re (2) nervous and trying to plan what you’re going to say next.

In either case, regardless of your motivation, you’re focusing on yourself rather than the other person. Calm down a bit about it all, and listen before you speak.

"What are you up to over the next few weeks?" (I avoid saying Christmas specifically unless I'm sure that they celebrate)

"Oh, I love your hat/coat/whatever. Where's it from?"

"This is a lovely venue isn't it? Have you been before?" (Or for work one, "is the party usually here or do we move around?"

Anything that involves food chat about the menu, what looks nice, can't decide between X and Y etc.

For the hobby "have you come far?" Then convo about wherever they've come from. E..g "oh it's lovely there. I love X,Y or Z" or "oh I've never been, anywhere you'd recommend visiting locally?" Etc etc

If weather being wet/cold comes up "oh I wish I was in [insert favourite sunny destination]. I could really do with some sunshine! Where's your favourite place to go?"

Are you going away for Christmas?
Have you finished your Christmas shopping?

At least, that was what I first asked a pudding-like pair at a pre 🎄do where I knew nobody but the hosts, who were busy in the kitchen.

They replied,
No.
Yes.
No attempt to ‘throw the ball back’. Trying to make conversation was a nightmare!

This is the kind of thing that happens to me! I try to be inquisitive but I always end up feeling like a lemon!

Ask people non-intrusive questions, I find people love talking about themselves. Include others in conversations so the pressure isn't just on you. You don't need to do all the talking, just listen.

Do not, what ever you do, ask where people are from. I did this recently at a party, chatting to a really nice black lady; she thought I was questioning whether she was British; I was trying to work out what underground lines she had travelled on to get to the event. To be fair, we had been talking about rail travel, but I was mortified.

Try open questions - one where the answer can't be a straight Yes or No.
So, not 'Do you eat at home on Christmas Day?' Try 'What are your plans for Christmas Day?'

I would simply ask a few basic questions like have you seen the Christmas tree in the square, or are you having a busy Christmas or a quiet one? Can you recommend any good Christmas films? Do your children believe in Santa?

Politics and religion will get the conversation flowing. 😬

What are you doing for the holidays?

How long have you worked for this company?
If they've been there a long time, ask what previous Christmas parties were like, or ask what has changed over the years.

Have you always lived in (this town)?

I like to ask people about holidays and days out that they went on in the last year. I ask them if they would go back again, what were the best bits etc. It works for me because I enjoy holidays and days out so I stay interested in the replies. People usually can talk more about holidays they went on rather than the ones coming up. Plus they might show you a few photos which can help with further chat ‘oh, your kids look a couple of years older than mine, what sorts of things are they into’ etc

At work dos I ask people what they would do if they won the lottery and had time to do what they loved and not have to think about paying the bills.

I try to find something to compliment them on as an opener if it’s a mingling situation. Has to be genuine tho and it’s useful if it was something I noticed before the event ‘I love that blue jumper you were wearing last week’ or ‘you always speak so clearly at X meeting, I think you can explain complicated things really well’ etc

Things I’ve found most helpful:

Get really busy so you’re doing small talk all the time - that way you’re onto the next thing before you can cringe too much, don’t have chance to build up the anticipation and anxiety etc. Also obviously more chance to practise small talk which makes it less scary.

Ask questions - I know you said you know that. But people love to talk about themselves. Don’t do that thing where people only ask questions so that they can end up talking about themselves. So once the person has answered them you question, let them go on a bit and listen to what they’re saying rather than thinking of what to ask next. Chances are, once the person has had chance to properly answer your question, that will then lead on to either a natural flow of conversation, or they’ll ask you a question back.

If you do actually want to stick to small talk and not get too deep, make sure you circulate otherwise you’ll be stuck doing surface level chat with one person for ages and that’s a nightmare.

This, great questions that arent nosy but make someone feel that you are interested in them

Run and find a group of people rather than individuals to talk to as there will likely be someone who can run the conversation which means it's much easier

answer a question and ask it in return

I was at an event once where I had completely depleted every possible reserve of small talk with someone who was desperately shy and I was trying to help them feel more comfortable.

My scraping the bottom moment came when I asked if they wore disposable or cloth masks to work and then did a deep dive into the topic

I can't do small talk either, I find it absolutely cringe-worthy and never know what to talk about.

When I’m feeling awkward I find it helps to
imagine the person I’m talking to is even more awkward and it’s my job to put them at their ease.

This is hilarious. That really is scraping the bottom.

It’s a good thing to remember (and following what @NigellaAwesome said) that often people are in just the same boat. We assume everyone else can do small talk better and it’s often not the case. I have said to people at events ‘bloody hell this small talk thing is HARD isn’t it’ and been met with relief. It’s not a bad ice breaker.

@MurdoMunro Thank you. For me, I feel that part of the issue is that I'm coming to the conclusion after all these decades that I could be somewhere on the autistic spectrum. It would certainly explain a lot.

In that case I think you should say well I will leave you to carry on your conversation…

You have to ask open questions, ie not questions where the answer is yes or no or a single word.

If you want it to be interesting talk about emotions, "I'm excited to meet you in person, liked your online photo of artwork..." and "how do you feel about us all getting together?".
If you want to get away in an awkward situation talk about the weather yesterday, today and tomorrow, appear preoccupied, let louder people jump in and step back out.