Feeling jealous of other families at Christmas

[Dappy777]

The people I work with seem to have such happy family lives. I'm not jealous exactly. I mean, I don't begrudge them their happiness (they're all good people). It just makes me kind of sad. Today, a couple of colleagues were discussing their Christmas rituals. You know, "we always open a box of expensive chocolate biscuits on Christmas morning," or "we all wear the ugliest Christmas jumpers we can find...it's a running joke in the family ever since grandad turned up in a naff jumper one year" – that sort of thing.

My own family is pretty dysfunctional, and Christmas won't be very happy. What with addiction, mental illness, and personality clashes, most Christmases are pretty tense and miserable, and I'm always glad when they're over. How flippin sad – to want Christmas to be over as quickly as possible every year. More than anything, I always feel lonely. Maybe I've got a skewed view because I happen to have unusually happy work colleagues. Have I?

You need to make your own happiness. Buy a box of fancy biscuits and stay away from your family for Christmas

I hear you, OP. I have a nightmare family, so Christmas tends to just be me, DS, exDP and sometimes DM if she’s not at my sisters. But I make Christmas really special for us. Some of our traditions are:

Christmas Day we always have Nutella pancakes for breakfast for DS, and smoked salmon blinis and champagne for adults.

We always go for a walk before lunch, and it’s always SO jolly, with other people out saying happy Christmas.

FC always brings a new family board game for us to play that day.

We have a lunch menu set by DS! Every year he’s allowed to set the menu. Last year it was garlic king prawns for starters, steak and roast potatoes with pigs in blankets and broccoli, followed by jam sandwiches cut in shapes, with ice cream! this year it’s roughly the same, but he’s like mussels to start, and Yule log to end 😂 he’s 8 going on 48.

Nobody ever gets told off and nobody ever acts like a moody twat on Christmas Day. It’s simply not allowed. (Childhood was stuffed with sad and traumatizing christmases. I’m making up for it for my inner child, as well as my kid.

sorry meant to add- even if you’re celebrating by yourself, or with a friend, or just a nuclear family, Christmas is what you make it. Find your own tradition that brings you joy. And if you’re lonely- perhaps extend an invitation to a pal who might be feeling the same way? I’ve done that in years past before I was a mum, and it’s been lovely.

Can you distance yourself from your family at Christmas? You don't have to be with people who make you feel sad and lonely, you can build your own Christmas. It might not look like your colleagues but far better to start to build your own traditions than spend time amongst dysfunction. Please consider putting your needs first and letting the dysfunctional lot of them carry on with all their drama and do what's right for YOU

People aren't going to be having small talk about their dysfunctional family though. You are likely hearing the best bits, the highlights...not the depressing/ weird/ violent parts.

I think we are all fed the perfect family Christmas in the media but in reality a lot of people have challenging families .
In your situation I would rethink my own Christmas and create new traditions that suit you .

I sometimes wish we didn't live so far away from family so Christmas didn't turn into such a mammoth journey to visit. We did stay at home some years but my mum is on her own now and that brings its own issues as she doesn't really like Christmas, my sibling is an addict, and generally its just not very relaxed or jolly.

When colleagues talk about 'walking over' to people after dinner etc I do feel like maybe we miss out, but we do a good Christmas when its just us and its so nice to have no pressure.

Change what you do.

If it's not making you happy change it. You can start your own little Christmas traditions any time you want to and you can change where and who you spend it with.

What's your current Christmas like? What would make it better? Buy yourself the fancy Christmas chocolate biscuits or something similar, that's special for you.

Came here to say this. Try to remember you may not be hearing the full story. I know I make my family sound very close and loving to my colleagues and while nothing I say is untrue, they’re missing a lot of other stuff, back story, dysfunction etc.

You have to make things special for yourself. I am completely no contact with my family (though may get my usual harassing email on Christmas!). We aren’t welcome with dh’s family because his stepdad is a paedophile and we aren’t allowed to visit (not that we’d want to, but we’d like to see MIL if he wasn’t around). And I have stage 3 cancer and I’m not even sure I’ll make it through Christmas lunch without a nap. But I’m grateful to be alive and at least we get to spend time together. No naff traditions here, but I’d like to watch some Christmas films and maybe play a board game.

That is what it is like within my extended family too - I usually end up hosting and having to manage everyone’s quirks. We are not seeing anyone this year, for the first time ever, and the relief is immense. I told them we are ‘away around Christmas time’, deliberately keeping it vague - we are going away but not for Christmas Day itself. We barely speak to each other the rest of the year - not sure why we all force ourselves onto one another for Christmas!

I have a massive family am one of six. Between us we have 16 kids and they have 21 kids and they have 10 kids.plus various partners so we have to each have separate Christmas at home then usually meet up Boxing day. I think limiting the time helps so say 4 till 9pm and also everyone doing what they are comfortable with so load party games for some wine and cheese for others with conversations and moving between each other to catch up is nice. Mostly we all live close apart from US and Canada so extra special when they come. If someone wants to stay an hour fine, if they don't want to bother also fine. I can never recall an argument it would not happen we can all behave for a few hours.

My parents make Christmas utterly miserable and always have.
I do the lovely things with my daughter before we have to go and see them.

If you don’t actually live with your family members then just don’t go , have Christmas at home .

Yeah all those having miserable Christmas’s don’t put yourselves through it. I know it’s easier said that done but can you do the necessary family visits so no one gets upset on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day and spend Christmas Day with friends/out/alone somewhere nice!

I very much agree with this. We are having our first ‘quiet’ Christmas as a nuclear family and the relief and feeling of freedom is amazing. I don’t think I will host again. It’s all well and good saying it is selfish and Christmas is about family, but when family means things will be toxic what exactly is the point? It’s a delusion many of us seem to have - this year will be different, etc.

I hear you OP. The loneliness and feeling like an outsider can be so tough at this time of year. It's absolutely true that your colleagues are only sharing the lovely bits of their Christmas, and I'm sure they have their challenges with it too

I no longer see my family at Christmas, it's just too stressful and upsetting. It's just me and my partner instead, and I'm so grateful for him, but I'm definitely not immune to the odd flash of envy and sadness. It's a tough time of year

Op I felt this pain for many years.
I've had difficult issues to deal with at Xmas also it's always been stressful and fraught in some way.
And seeing the ads and hearing these very calm mild people chatting about exactly what you said makes the pain feel even more keenly.

I would love to be a part of a wider kinder family rich in generations and cousins and stuff and bumbling from one house to the other over the holidays.

My dh isn't much of a talker or proactive activity organiser either

I just think as pp said you have to Remeber people aren't talking about the bad bits

I know of three family with the most beautiful houses all 3 and a seemingly very enviable life. All these have severe issues and present a font but it all looks so glam and wonderful.

OP I hear you totally. A lot of posters are assuming it's family outside of the home that is the problem and that you can close the doors on it all.

We've had a nightmare few years with my DS19 whose risk-taking and poor decisions have shaken the family to the core. Then there is DD21, who has ASD and many issues of her own. Along with their individual issues, they do not get on at all and will barely acknowledge each other, honestly, I feel quite heartbroken and helpless and also very responsible for any part I have played in all this disfunction.

I am focusing on all the lovely practical details of Christmas - keeping the house cosy and pretty, lots of good food. I'm determined to muddle through it and enjoy the festive period, which is one I love.

Thanks for the replies everyone. You’re right that people only tell you the good stuff, just as their social media is usually a highlight reel. It’s funny, even though rationally I know the majority of families have tensions, dysfunctional members, people who don’t get on, etc, I still can’t help idealising other people’s lives. People are very good (and very convincing) at putting on an act. Maybe I’m too honest about my own crappy life. Guess I should start lying more lol.

I think Christmas magnifies everything, so dysfunction gets intensified, happiness can be intensified, our insecurities or difficult emotions are intensified. Do you envy people's lives much through the rest of the year? It's natural to grieve for the family we didn't get but would have loved to have. Maybe some counselling might give you a space to feel that sadness with support, to help you work through it. It sounds like you've had a lot of very difficult stuff to deal with with your family.