In-laws: I need to vent

[NavyPlayer]

Hey all,

I am growing increasingly more anxious and unhappy since my partner and I have had my baby. Some of it is to do with his family and our lack of boundaries.

I feel so angry about it all, and to myself for not being strong enough. I have ADHD and possible autism (waiting for my assessment) and I don’t always process things in the moment, or struggle communicating well.

I think I just need to vent. This is a list of the things since having the baby:

• MIL came to hospital right after emergency c-section, despite us telling her she shouldn’t come
• I have had PPD quite bad since birth, and had to cancel a 5 hour+ journey to his sisters. They messaged to say how upset they were, that I wasn’t thinking about my partner and implying I was selfish. I was very low and vulnerable
• A time when we did visit, people seemed annoyed I wasn’t having “fun” (I was the only one not drinking and looking after the baby), I was overstimulated and hid upstairs a lot and people kept questioning me
• My partner and I told them what time we wanted to leave to get back at a decent time for the baby. They called us selfish and made us wait 4 hours to bring out a birthday cake for my partner. I had a meltdown in the car as I’m not used to this family dynamic, and it would be me looking after the baby after the sleeping pattern was thrown off. We ended getting back super late
• MIL stole some of my partner’s savings for a house deposit
• People calling me “aggressive” and complaining I wasn’t having fun when, again, being sober and looking after the baby at a wedding. I had another autistic meltdown as I felt so much pressure to mask, look after the baby who wouldn’t stop crying or go to sleep
• Generally feeling like I’m not fitting in to their patriarchal culture
• FIL telling my partner our baby shouldn’t have both of our surnames, just his

I know this is very long. My partner adores his family and has grown up with this dynamic. I find it incredibly difficult, especially being neurodivergent and finding it hard to articulate myself. It’s become unbearable since having our baby and I’m dreading having to stay there around Christmas. I’m feeling trapped.

You poor thing! This sounds awful and they are being awful!

You must be brave and prioritize yourself and your relationship with the baby. There is no explaining or compromising with these people. They are extremely selfish and they don’t care about you.

Back way up. Reduce contact as much as possible. Be too busy or too tired or too skint to go to their family events. If your DH doesn’t like it: tough! You have to protect yourself and that means organizing to protect your whole body and spirit from autistic overwhem. The addition of pregnancy, labour, and a new child to your life us already challenging and very important. Just tell your dh you are protecting your new little family. If other people don’t like it:fuck ‘em.

Hello, I didn't want to read & run, but I completely understand where you're coming from - I'm feeling this way too towards my own mum and dad - it's hard, it feels like I'm a broken record continually stating "let us know if you're coming round, don't just turn up" ... I honestly feel like people forget what it's like to have gone through child birth and raising newborns/babies/toddlers. And going through something like what you've gone through, having that extra stress must feel terrible for you. I can't really help alot but just wanted to say I know how u feel. It's coming across like they aren't being empathetic towards your situation, like they're not putting themselves in your shoes, and only seeing things from their perspective.... your priority is your baby right now & f* those who don't understand that !!! You'll never look back and regret taking a stand for your feelings. I would literally say it one more time (stating your boundaries) and if they can't respect them then just take a step back from them all... waiting 4 hours for a birthday cake??? Totally unreasonable especially when you're the one travelling with a young baby.

They are putting their own wants before you and your baby, making you wait four hours before bringing the cake out so you all left at a time they picked, making you feel awkward by saying your miserable when you are looking after your baby and not drinking. You find them hard to mix with and overstimulating, they seem to be highlighting anything you do to make you look bad, so I would take a step back. Your partner lets all his family get away with this behaviour? I’d tell him you don’t want to mix because your fed up of how they make you feel and not respecting boundaries