11yo doesn't respect me cos "there is no dad"

[HoneyHooplah]

Name-changed for this as am so mortified by the whole thing

DS is 11. He is definitely at the start of puberty and has mood swings. He gets very upset and angry about stuff. I have always thought DS and I were very close. ExH is much more of a disciplinarian. DCs see ExH at weekends.

DS got really upset about something the other day. After he'd calmed down I said to him 'it would be nice if you were a bit more respectful towards me' as he'd been quite rude to me. He mumbled something about there not being a dad around and this was why he didn't respect me!! As stated he does see his dad, every week.

I have deliberately not found myself a new partner who could be a step-dad for DCs. ExH has got a new partner the DC have met. And they met his previous partners too.

I would just really appreciate any suggestions going forward. I don't want DS to only respect me because I've bagged myself a new man.

I think you might need to revisit the conversation with him and ask why he said that, as I'd be concerned he was hearing absolute misogynistic bollocks from his dad, school or online, and this needs to be talked out properly, not just dismissed.

Can his dad have a word?

I'm married to my dds dad but he's military and comes home every other weekend and they totally change when he's home.

Sunday nights are the worst as they let loose 😫😫

Son, you mentioned not respecting me because there isn’t a dad around. As you see your dad so regularly, I’m wondering if that’s why you don’t respect me.

Can you please have a serious think about what you respect and why, then get back to me for another chat.

How is he with female teachers? I've taught boys who didn't respect their mum and in turn didn't respect female teachers. Toxic masculinity is a huge issue in and outside of schools. You need to review his online access and make sure he isn't watching any Andrew Tate stuff.

Get him involved with cadets which are big on respect and ranking etc, it will help whilst exposing him to positive male and female role models and teaching him new skills even if he never intends to join the military.

If he was rude to you, that's not acceptable for any reason, it's not about respect or not. He shouldn't be being rude to anyone regardless of whether they're male or female, single or in a relationship. That's how I would tackle the rudeness, rather than get into a discussion about whether or not he respects you.

Aside from that, I agree with @Foxblue in that the kind of comment he made seems like he might be getting misogynistic input from somewhere, whether that's his Dad, friends, or the Internet. I would separately want to find out where that comment came from with him.

Thank you for your replies, I have just seen them as was working till now.

I unfortunately absolutely cannot get his dad to have a word... His dad was emotionally abusive towards me but in a very passive-aggressive way. Would make me cry then say that I was being "loud". Would make us late then say I was being unreasonable as we were behind schedule. After we split up a few of my relatives remarked that DS had stopped 'scolding' me; as I guess he stopped hearing it from his dad.

I don't know for certain but I wouldn't be surprised if his dad was somehow behind this. He wouldn't say "your mother is unstable" (and I'm not!) but I can see him sowing the seeds of doubt.

I don't think DS is looking at any MRA stuff; certainly he isn't at home. Although maybe he has heard stuff from his friends..?

He's had only female teachers since preschool, and he is a very well-behaved pupil. All his school reports say what a nice polite boy he is.

I will look into cadets; thank you for the suggestion. He does go to scouts (just moved up from cubs) and they have male and female leaders and again he's never been in any trouble. All of my close friends (his "aunties") are women and he's always very polite with them.
That is why I'm so shocked that he's said he doesn't respect me cos there is no dad. It really came as a shock. We have other single mums in our family, and in our circle of friends. Even before his dad and I divorced he knew that not all families are made up of a mum and a dad. I was a lone parent with his older sister before his dad and I got together and he is well aware of this, just as part of our family history. Also I deliberately sought out books about single mums, 2 mums, 2 dads, etc.

It has just taken me aback so much!! 😔

Cadets are definitely a good idea, but you will also need a plan for at home - and it's time for zero tolerance. Be calm and polite about it, but get those boundaries in place. Every time he's disrespectful, he loses something. Device/gaming time? Gone. Internet access? Gone. Set a tariff and pin it up somewhere he can see it. There need to be consequences to his behaviour. Tell him in advance what the new rules are going to be and then stick to them. Tell him you know he can be respectful to teachers and scout leaders, so you know he is able to be respectful to you. You aren't his friend, you're his mum.

And yes, he is probably getting this from his dad.

Yes I agree with you there. It'll have to be curbed ASAP.
Agree 100% about not being his friend. I think I have let his behaviour slide a bit because he was getting so upset about going to ExH's, or was so upset after coming back, and I want to be a safe space for him.

I have not up to this point used sanctions or anything and honestly not sure how I would implement it (of course logistically I get it, I just think he will take it really badly). But I can't have him talk to me this way.

So sad upset and stressed by it all x

Oh and today he criticised me for my "poor attitude" and that is the EXACT phrase my exH would use.